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Thursday, May 13

8:00 5 Friends: Joey and Chandler take a romantic trip to Vegas, and Rachel gets an eye infection (HAW! HAW!).
8:00 11 TV Movie: Survivor (1999). Greg Evigan (B.J. and the Bear) gets his ass whipped by a goddam Yeti in Antarctica!

Friday, May 14

8:00 13 Surviving the Moment of Impact: Hey Rubber-neckers! Here's your chance to see dozens of gory car accidents, so maybe now you'll stop jamming up traffic!
9:00 7 Surprise, Surprise, Surprise!: Kathie Lee Gifford hosts this special about families surprising each other. Included: Hubby Frank Gifford gets caught with a whore!

Saturday, May 15

8:00 11 Movie: Star Wars (1977). The original version before George Lucas gummed it up with stupid computer-generated rubber monsters. 12:05 a.m. 5 Saturday Night Live: Season Finale! Sarah Michelle Gellar (Buffy the Vampire Slayer) hosts with the Backstreet Boys! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!

Sunday, May 16

8:00 13 The Simpsons: Season Finale! The Simpsons visit Japan!
9:00 4 TV Movie: Double Platinum (1999). Famous mom (Diana Ross) adopts abandoned famous daughter (Brandy).
9:00 7 TV Movie: Joan of Arc (1999). Hormonal teenager gets burned at the stake by fuddy-duddy townsfolk.
9:00 13 X-Files: Season Finale! Featuring yet another stupid conspiracy theory!

Monday, May 17

8:00 4 TV Movie: Half a Dozen Babies (1999). A selfish Idaho couple ignore pleas from an overcrowded planet and have six runny-butt babies. 8:00 DSC On the Inside: Learn how to successfully smuggle dope with this insider's look at the U.S. Customs Service.

Tuesday, May 18

8:00 22 Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Part 1 of the Season Finale! Buffy has a tough choice to make: kill the mayor or miss graduation.
9:30 11 Thumb Wars: Star Wars parody featuring computer-animated thumbs!

Wednesday, May 19

8:00 13 Beverly Hills, 90210: Season Finale! Someone has stolen Kelly's dentures from the rest home!
9:00 13 Party of Five: Season Finale! Bailey makes the biggest mistake of his life by proposing to that dumb girl from the Neutrogena commercials.