GOSH! I've been so busy with that damn Q13 news team lately, I've left the REAL celebrities flapping in the breeze! This gossip ain’t gettin’ any fresher, so let’s get busy!

, I’m told queen bitch Martha Stewart has been house-hunting out here, but as expected, nothing’s perfect enough for her majesty! Of course, this could be a lie… but in real-estate rumors, I’m one for one, baby!! Remember my now-famous Kenny G scoop? You don’t. Oh. Well, screw you.

Okay, so this scenester—of impeccable scenester credentials, mind you—goes into a tattoo shop, spots an oddly mystical design, and requests a tattoo. Painful hours and many dollars later, he leaves satisfied. It isn’t until days later that he learns his latest tat is none other than… THE LOGO OF THE MARINERS BASEBALL TEAM! Hardy-har-har!! (True story!)

WHO’S HANGING OUT? Mopey Elliott Smith and gf, walking in Fremont, in (awwww!) matching stocking caps! Later, Elliott Smith’s drinking a beer at the Breakroom, SAME STOCKING CAP, and (here’s a shock) moping. • • • At the Green Lake Starbucks, who’s sippin’ on a Frappuccino but our old pal Irene McGee, the un-starstruck gal who ditched Real World—Seattle. My informant, Jon, said she looked like she’d been eating “one too many donuts”! • • • At the Seattle magazine “Hot Singles” party at Tini Bigs: Bill Nye the Science Guy, dressed nattily in a black-tie tux, diggin’ for gold in his left ear. He scratched it for at least a good minute—what, has he got some kind of science experiment growing in there? And okay, I have to say it: You can dress him up, but you can’t take him out. • • • Boy, do people ever not like Symphony maestro Gerard “Shovey Mc” Schwarz! Apparently at work he’s an absolute “tyrant”! One anonymous insider said, “He will threaten, scream belittle, accuse, and just plain bully his musicians. …He seems to enjoy working in an atmosphere of fear. …What you saw in Thriftway was just a glimmer of this sadistic human being’s nature.” Brrrrrrr!!

LOVELINE’S Dr. Drew and Adam Carolla spoke at UW, in a dismal room packed with hormone-oozing 20-year-olds, Fri Feb 12. I admit Adam tickled my funnybone —okay, he was hilarious—but their road show screeched to a halt when an audience member asked about cock ringsAND THESE SO-CALLED SEX EXPERTS DIDN’T KNOW A DAMN THING ABOUT THEM!! I mean, even I could have answered his simple question, and I don’t even have a cock! Attached to my body, I mean. Don’t any of those frat boys read Savage Love? Anyway, things slid downhill with their insipid “Gay Aptitude Test” from their new book. The show ended with a thud when Adam (at Drew’s request) imitated a fat little Russian kid trying to gangsta rap, urging “Slap that bitch!” Dr. Drew’s too much of a pussy to tell Adam where to get off. That’s what Diane Farr’s for.

TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE: A couple weeks back a Cap Hill gal heard a knock on her door—and who was on her doorstep, but the band Sycophant! No, she’d never ever met them before—turns out they found her wallet (credit cards, ID, $$) in the parking lot of the Queen Anne Larry’s Market. When she offered them reward $$, the boys said, “We simply couldn’t!”—but humbly asked her to spread the word about their show—this Fri, Feb 19 at the Tractor Tavern. (BTW… they’re not just heroes, they’re a tip-top band!)
God bless Sycophant. shirley@thestranger.com