There are two kinds of kids: bespectacled asthmatic nerds, and thick-necked bullies who smell like sour milk. Different though these kids may be, they have one thing in common: They all love toys! And here are some new toys that will perfectly reflect their distinct personalities!

For the Nerd


It's hard being a nerd! Especially when none of the other kids want to play with you. Well, nerds are friendless no more, thanks to My Pal 2000 Robot. This bubble-headed plastic pal plays games, whistles, and is even "down" with the hip lingo such as, "Yo, dude! What's up!" Your child will never be lonely again... unless, of course, a cruel gang of thugs spots this sappy toy and smashes it into a million pieces after sodomizing it.

Available for $39.99 at Toys 'R' Us.


That's right! TV's most annoying daytime talk-show host is now a Barbie doll! Plump li'l Rosie comes complete with her own talk-show set and microphone. Oh, the fun your child will have imagining Rosie braying obnoxious show tunes, grilling Tom Selleck over gun control laws, and vehemently denying she's a lesbian.

Available for $19.99 at Toys 'R' Us.


O, pretty flowers! Pretty smelly flowers! They are so very lovely! What better way to spend a rainy Sunday afternoon than gluing stained-glass petals to stems, and arranging a beautiful pretend bouquet? And the next day, perhaps presenting one of your fabulous floral arrangements to the school bully, while singing, "I'm a little posie/with a nice treat/here is a flower/for you... my... sweet!" [Legal note: The Stranger and Loaded-For-Bear Publishing takes absolutely no responsibility for any actions resulting from taking the above advice.]

Available for $12.99 at K-B Toys.


Hey kids! Tired of spending every play period getting the crap kicked out of you behind the see-saws? Well, stop your impotent fuming, and try "Virtual Reality World Boxing"! Simply slip on the padded gloves and virtual reality headset, and then step into a world where you aren't such a weak and delicate crybaby. You may be a useless milksop in real life, but in virtual reality? You're a milksop who can win!

Available for $29.99 at Wal-Mart.


You love Star Wars, right? That makes you a nerd. So put on these Star Wars panties, nerd.

Available for $4.99 at Toys 'R' Us.

For the Bully


Looking for a robot with some bite? Look no further! R.A.D. Robot is one bad-ass metal motherfucker! R.A.D. has claws that can pinch hard enough to draw blood! R.A.D. can reach speeds up to 15 mph! R.A.D. can transmit your own voice! But most importantly, R.A.D. shoots MISSILES -- missiles big enough to blow the nuts off Saddam Hussein! HA! HA! Go get 'em, R.A.D.! GO GET 'EM!

Available for $99.99 at Toys 'R' Us.


Finally! A Barbie for the gals who sneak out at night to smoke cigs at the 7-11! That's right -- it's Harley Mama Barbie. Decked out in black leather from head to toe, this dark-haired sister with black lipstick can kick the shit out of regular Barbie, Skipper, and that pansy Ken! Pack of smokes, Miller High Life bottle, and birth control pills sold separately.

Available for $39.99 at Toys 'R' Us.


You know, there's a reason why most politicians don't deserve an action figure. It's because they're too busy snorting coke and chasing skirts to serve the people! However, if anyone deserves an action figure, it's the governor of Minnesota, Jesse Ventura! This former wrestler comes with three manly looks for any occasion: camouflaged ex-Navy Seal, volunteer football coach, and the guv in his smart black suit, cutting the state budget and snapping the necks of ineffectual bureaucrats!

Available for $14.99 at Toys 'R' Us.


It's a fact: "Wrestlemania" is sweeping the nation! And while your child can have any number of toys embossed with the handsome visage of "Stone Cold" Steve Austin or "The Rock," one key ingredient is always missing: SWEAT. Now you can have your favorite wrestler AND his sweat with the WWF Maximum Sweat Series. Not only do these figures talk and simulate wrestling moves -- when you fill them with water, they sweat like Dom DeLuise in a sauna! And man! Nothing says "fun" like STINK.

Available for $9.99 at KB Toys.


It's heartbreaking. What do you say to your saucer-eyed tyke when he cries, "Mommy... why can't I kill deer like Daddy does?" To a young hunter, there's no good answer. However! Junior's tears will quickly turn to squeals of joy when he receives the Electronic Deer Hunter from Toymax. A small but powerful projector flashes images on your child's walls of leaping bucks and does, all oblivious to the fact that Junior is about to blow their brains out with his high-powered laser-sighted rifle with realistic sound and kick-back action. The only things missing are tying the kill to the hood of the pickup, and Mom cleaning up the blood-splattered kitchen. But you can't have everything.

Available for $69.99 at Toys 'R' Us.