Gone in Sixty Seconds has perhaps wisely refused to screen a preview, so this reviewer has come to watch the trailer. Two rows behind her sits Byrony with her friends, Dave and Sarah, eating popcorn. Byrony claims they all have jobs too tedious to relate. "We sit in cubicles," she explains.
Must have pretty girl to steal cars! Liv Tyler? Kim Basinger? Computer-generated? Who cares?! Big-lips girl is bad, bad girl. Has sex with gay brother at the Oscars. Maybe has sex with famous father? No panties under leather pants, and cuts herself with knives! Boom! Crash!
"Right away I noticed the voiceover," says Byrony. "You know how there's only two guys who ever do them? Well, this one is narrated by a woman's voice. And listen closely... she sounds exactly like one of those really expensive cars that talk to you. Like, 'Your door is ajar' or 'I'm Onastar.'" All nod in agreement.
Famous actor inserts long thing into hole. Gas nozzle? Dynamite stick? Caresses knob. Again! Again! Sneers and says, "Put the bunny down." Was that the other movie? Not matter! Big explosion. He runs away from flames. Don't worry! It's not really dangerous. This is how you steal cars!
David says, "The editing is pretty exciting, but my eyes don't move that fast." Sarah laughs, "Well, the first time I saw it I thought it was incredibly stupid. But, I've been forced to watch the trailer 10 or 15 times, and now I really want to see it." Her friends groan.
Bad, bad girl asks famous actor, "What do you think is more exciting--having sex... or stealing cars?" Vroom! Smash! Reviewer's IQ drops many, many points. Can only finish with help from nice people not hurt so bad by trailer. Thank you, nice people. Shame on you, bad trailer!
