TIME FOR AN UPDATE on our petty-thieving local TV newscaster, whom we shall heretofore call "Kleptron 2000." We are presently unable to reveal Kleptron's true identity because I STILL don't have any hard evidence!! But Kleptron 2000's TV station manager may rest assured that said hard evidence is on its way, even as we go to press. Hey Mr. Manager: You may want to call a little strategy meeting to get your stories straight. And when the shit starts to fall, remember this: Would you rather talk to li'l ol' me or... MIKE WALLACE? (My number is 323-7101 ext. 3137.)

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THE "UNOFFICIAL" STORIES are rolling in: Seems Kleptron 2000 has a reputation at Nordstrom (of course), the Donna Karan outlet, and Starbucks--where the well-to-do Kleptron would purchase a $300 coffee maker while snitching $15 in chocolate bars and pocket-sized doodads! (That's the klepto M.O.: They don't steal 'cause they need to, they steal 'cause they're SICK!)

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FORMER DEPT. STORE EMPLOYEE "K" mentions her store's "unwritten policy"--as in NO PAPER TRAIL, please!--regarding Kleptron 2000's antics. K was surprised to learn the "policy" was common knowledge, since her bosses told her it was a big fat secret! The "unwritten policy" goes something like this: "You may see [Kleptron 2000] in the store regularly. You may see [Kleptron] appear to be shoplifting. Do not alert security: It will be handled discreetly. Security knows what to do."

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HEY MR./MS. STATION MANAGER: Imagine the ratings when Kleptron 2000 finally 'fesses up! Think of the million ways you can milk this thing--starting with an intimate, heartrending special on "The Problem Of Kleptomania"! You can call it Stealing Desire: The Kleptron 2000 Story. Now this would definitely go national! Kleptomania will become the mental disease du jour. You got something better in the works for sweeps week?

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NOT ENOUGH TITTIES? The Stranger has been kicked out of Hooters! Skillit, king of the Stranger distrobots, reports that Hooters of Bellevue "changed their mind"--they don't want our skanky rag in their fine establishment. OH YEAH?? FINE. We'll just take our business to T.G.I. Friday's!

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SPOTTED: Thurs 7/8, shopping for a digital camera at Tall's Camera downtown, rapper and self-proclaimed pimp Ice-T (in town for the Warped Tour)! Heather says he was "relaxed and polite," and had popped up from the Kingdome via bike taxi. 路 路 路 KOMO news anchor Dan Lewis was spotted--alone--at the jewelry counter at Tiffany's! Ooh-la-la! 路 路 路 Hanna ran into both Richard Karn ("he had that killer combo of tiny little legs, flat ass, round stomach, and jolly cheeks") and funnyman Jon Lovitz during Star Days. While Karn jovially signed an autograph, she says Lovitz was "an asshole and a half"! When she begged, "Jon, I'm your biggest fan! Pleeeease sign an autograph!" Lovitz "rolled his eyes and mumbled, 'Whatever.'" Now hurt-hearted Hanna can only rage, "I HATE THAT MAN!"

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WHEN JEAN GODDEN'S ON VACATION, I get to field exciting stories like this, from Page Six of the NY Post: In some parts of the world Starbucks employees are getting a little extra action as they try to promote their delicious new juice & tea drink called Tiazzi. Turns out that in several Arabic dialects, "tiazzi" means "my ass." Badda-BOOM!!

Danger, danger, Kleptron 2000: Your days are numbered! shirley@thestranger.com