GOL DERN IT! Thurs 9/2 morning, Laura Dern -- star of Jurassic Park, October Sky, and the coming-out episode of Ellen (where she met fiancÉ Billy Bob Thornton) -- was spotted bending over a bike at Blazing Saddles bike rentals, near the waterfront. Starstruck TTS agent Mike gushes, "The only saddle that was blazing was Ms. Dern's pipin'-hot arse!" So what the heck is Laura doing here? The 32-year-old actress isn't working on any local films -- so far as I know -- nor is anorexic honey Billy Bob.

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SPACE FOSSIL IN THE HOUSE! Thurs 9/2, intergalactic sensors identified the presence of George Takei -- Star Trek's Mr. Sulu. George was masticating a tasty fish taco at the Bluwater Bistro on South Lake Union, along with his niece. TTS commander Jon says, "At first I wasn't sure, but once I heard Mr. Sulu speak, it was 'hailing frequencies open!'"

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BUMBERGOSSIP: TTS helper Logan says funnyman David Cross, of HBO's Mr. Show, came to town especially for Bumbershoot -- though Logan spotted the comic at the Crocodile Sat 9/4. Cross managed to remain incognito throughout Shuggie's super set. Suspiciously, on the Mr. Show website (www.mrshow.com), David threatens to relocate his ass from Lala-land... to LattÉland! ··· Strolling about in a "slick leather jacket" at Thurs 9/2's R.E.M. rock show: Q13 sports hunk Dan Devone. TTS captain Jeff was puzzled to see D's gal pal -- also in black leathers -- following a good five feet behind him. Jeff tsks, "Looked so subservient!" 'Sup wit dat, Caveman Dan?

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DUTY REWARDED! Since Cait was dutifully entertaining her bf's dad, visiting from Sydney, Australia, she missed Sonic Youth's boringly indulgent Bumbershoot set. Cait was brokenhearted as she helped check dear ol' Pops into the Convention Center hotel. She sighed as they waited for the elevator -- but when the doors slid open, there, in the flesh, were Kim Gordon and Thurston Moore... going UP! Kim shyly clutched a divine leopard-print bag, while Thurston, in professorial brown corduroy, held the elevator door open, smiling like a well-trained bellhop! Then at breakfast, Sun 9/5, Mr. Moore played bellboy again. Ol' Pops handed the gentlemanly Thurston a buck for his service -- but with a wry smile Thurston replied, "Hmm... can't do much with that!"

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GUESS WHO was shakin' his moneymaker at Neighbours, Thurs 8/20? Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman's wholesome Chad Allen -- who's been onstage in Intiman's Temporary Help. Breathless TTS correspondent Erik sputters, "Wow, what some time in the gym has done!" But well-built Chad was feeling no pain -- in fact, he was having the time of his life "frenching all the shirtless wonders in his newfound Seattle coterie"! ··· Meantime, a certain scorned woman has been threatening to "kick Chad's ass!" She claims that 10 years ago -- when she was in eighth freakin' grade -- she won "A Date with Chad Allen" in a contest, which included tickets for two to baseball's World Series. Well! Seems dreamy Chad not only stood her up, he took off with her World Series ticket AND THE STRETCH LIMO! To add insult to injury, she huffs, "In the meantime he seems to have turned gay!" Yeah, and guess whose fault THAT is?

Serving Seattle's snoops since 1997. shirley@thestranger.com