KISSES TO ALL who wrote -- and no lie, this is my last column. Summer's here, and I'm laaaazy! So I now present these nuggets of wisdom to my loyal readership. It took me three long years to distill these basic Seattle facts... so listen and learn!
THE TRUTH
1. A TV news re-porter can be cute OR heterosexual OR sober, but NEVER all three.
2. Next time Susan Powter tells you she doesn't have a penis, think twice.
3. If a major movie star tells you he's "vacationing" in Seattle, he's working in Vancouver.
4. If your movie's filming in Seattle, you're either unknown or washed-up. (Lame, lame, LAME, WA State Film Office!!)
5. Never trust a news reporter: Not only was Ken Schram at the Vogue, which he denied -- he was the cross-dresser doing the pole dance!
6. There's absolutely nothing wrong with Dale Chihuly's other eye.
7. I remember once radio personality Pat Cashman farted. It was really loud.
8. If you ignore John "Look at Me!" Curley for more than two weeks, he'll show up at your house and do the "La Vida Loca" dance on your front lawn, naked.
9. The Times' so-called gossip columnist, Jean Godden, gets paid to keep her yap shut. Why do you think all she writes about is "aptronyms" and wacky vanity license plates?
10. KOMO weekend anchor Eric Slocum is actually a marvelous poet. You can tell by his great haircut.
11. Twenty-eight percent of Seattle's hunky pro sports stars are gay -- they're the cute ones.
12. That wasn't KQBZ radio man Scotty Crane's real wanger. (It's bigger.)
13. KOMO TV anchorhead -- I mean, head anchor! -- Dan Lewis is a third-generation alien. So is large-headed, ex-mulleted professional Indian Sherman Alexie. In fact, they're father and son!
14. If you're a TV news personality with less than 1.3% body fat, you probably shoplifted your latest outfit from the Bon.
15. If you're an Almost Live! alum, you probably need lessons in personal hygiene.
16. Yes, gorgeous City Council ladies Heidi Wills and Judy Nicastro are gettin' it on -- with veteran politico Charlie Chong!
17. The Stranger's Wm. Steven Humphrey moved to Portland only because he's in hot water for stalking Q13 Q-tie Leslie Miller.
18. Q-13 weekend anchor Ron Corning really is that cute.
19. Ubiquitous rock drummer Jason Finn really is that much of a dog.
20. FINALLY! Only now, when I'm free to burn ALL my bridges, can I reveal the identity of hyper-testosteronated TV news reporter Mr. X -- who regularly gets blasted and fucks anything with a wiener! It's Iey Euioem!!!!
In conclusion, I INSIST you send every piddly li'l gossip item to my successor, Adrian Ryan. Adrian's a riot, and knows how to piss people off. Neuter your cat (and spay that stray!), go vegan, lose that attitude... and see you on Dilly Dally Alley! Love, Shirley.
Spill your gossipy guts to Adrian! adrian@thestranger.com
