When you're an underage queer living at home--especially if that home is in Small Town, USA--escape can be next to impossible. Forget school: If classmates find out whom you have a crush on, you'll be taunted at best, or bullied at worst. Parents are no better. They have a reputation for kicking out and disowning their gay progeny. Even your best friends, try as they might, can't possibly understand what you're going through-- much less relate.

What's a queer kid to do? Log onto the Internet, of course. If you're savvy enough to bypass the meat-market chat rooms, there are plenty of places to connect with also-stuck gay youth. I stumbled upon Youth Guard--an organization that runs three free list servers, in different age groups, for people 13 to 25--after I'd escaped home and settled into a college dorm room 2,000 miles away. Chatting with other gay 18-year-olds from around the world gave me the guts to come out, ideas on how to break the news to mom, and tips on meeting potential girlfriends now that I'd arrived in Seattle.

Kadi, a 14-year-old living in a small Midwestern town, and Sam, a 16-year-old in the Middle East, were smart to find Youth Guard's online refugee camp--not to mention websites and online shops that have made urban, inaccessible-to-those-who-really-need- them GLBT "resource centers" obsolete--while still young enough to really need it. They may be a few years away from moving to an urban oasis, but until then the Internet's a place where they're wanted. AMY JENNIGES

A Little Closer
There's a girl in my grade. Her name is Laurie. She's a bit shorter than me, and has blond hair and blue eyes. She's beautiful and smart and she makes me laugh. This girl has taken me over completely, invading every atom of my body. And I can't tell her. The "gay revolution" hasn't hit the part of the country I live in.

Sometimes when I look in the mirror, I don't recognize myself. I have to edit myself every morning when I wake up so that no one can see what I really am. Nothing with a rainbow on it. Check my pride at the door. The only thing that shows me that my reflection is really me is the hurt. The words hurt, the words everyone at school spouts off without a second thought. Only two people at school know. They say they're my best friends, they say they accept me, they say they'll love me no matter what. I hear the words, but I see their smiles never reach their eyes anymore.

Maybe they're really the reason I joined Youth Guard. The list is... well, I don't really know how to serve it justice. The list is my friends, family, home, and community all at once. All in one America Online accessible package that gets sent to my e-mail account whenever someone wants to speak with me. I get e-mails everyday from other GLBT youth all over the country. The people there know me, even though they've never met me. Not that long ago, we filled out surveys about ourselves, and not that long ago, one of the girls I know from the list had to move in with her neighbor because her parents found out about her.

Some of the people in my group are 17. I joined when I was 13, making me the youngest person in the group. I'm only 14 now, and those 17-year-olds are the luckiest people alive to me. They're set to go to college now, they're going to get away from their small towns, from their homophobic lives. I know that the liberal cities don't solve all the problems in homosexual life, but they've got to solve some.

Youth Guard is my home right now. I haven't met these people, but they make me feel, for once, as though I really belong somewhere, with people who will love me for me, not a preconceived notion of who I thought I was when I was in kindergarten. Some of the teens on there have gone through so much. They're out and proud, and they have to deal with their entire towns. They have to deal with the homophobia of hundreds of people at their schools, and on their jobs, and in their lives. I have to handle two people, two people I'll probably never see again when I actually get to move away. But right now, as a 14-year-old, the day I can get out of this place seems so far away, too far to accept.

On Youth Guard, though, it seems a little closer. KADI

New York Dreams
I live in the Middle East, in a city known to be liberal and adventurous. Yes, despite what you may see in the news, there are places in the Middle East that are liberal. But by liberal, I mean, "Not as many restrictions as there are in most of the Middle East." People living here have a right to practice any religion they wish. We have the freest press in the Persian Gulf. We've got one of the fastest growing economies in the world.

But it is safer to not mention my specific location. I'm 16 and live with my parents. I have no other choice. They don't know about this article, they don't know a lot of things about me. Thank God, I may add, because if they did know, I would be in a living hell.

If they found out, I could lose being able to go online. To me, that would be torture, as most of my close friends are online pen pals, and the Internet is my source of information and fun. I could be forced into reparative therapy, as my mother once offered, and subject to strict brainwashing in orthodox Islam, which I disagree with, as I have my own interpretation of Islam. Finally, I could face being disowned by my family when I reach 18. Although that sounds like an acceptable choice, I have hopes of entering university. If I get disowned, I'll lose university education and would be left in the world with no money.

So, now that you know what I'm risking, you'd probably think it's better for me to stay in the closet at least for the next few years until I graduate from university. And that's what I'm doing.

Like most teenagers, I have ambitions. I dream of becoming a writer, a journalist, an entrepreneur, and a human rights activist. Obviously, I wouldn't achieve all of that, but there's no harm in being over-ambitious. I also have dreamed of living in New York City. Its energy and style is what I like. Most importantly, I can be myself there without much trouble, have healthy relationships and a career. Because of September 11, and a number of hate crimes I've heard about (I met a hate-crime victim; he was in Phoenix, Arizona, at the time of the tragedy, in university, where he was attacked by a gang armed with baseball bats), my ambition of moving to New York was crushed for a time. But now I dream of moving to New York again.

I watch Will & Grace, Becker, MTV, CNN, ER, and Oprah all via satellite. The Internet, too, is my way to escape. It's how I cope with being in this part of the world, since most of my online friends are in the U.S., Europe, and Israel. Yes, Israel, I know it seems strange for an average Arab teenager to befriend an Israeli. It's just that the religious and political propaganda never dominated my thinking. Taking refuge on the Internet over the years, I have found new things. Many things that seemed eccentric, strange, unusual, and interesting. I would sometimes dare to put "gay teens" into a search engine. I would find many things, some time-wasting; others were very interesting and helpful, like support groups for gay teenagers still trying to come to terms with their homosexuality. There are teenagers that I've met in situations that are worse than mine. I try to give them help, although I know that whatever I say or give isn't sufficient at all. SAM