We Regret These Errors

Sorrowful Remorse

From the Desk of the Enumclaw Horse

From the Desk of Katie Holmes's Fetus

From the Desk of Former Monorail Director Joel Horn

Dept. of Corrections

I Regret Not Killing Benjamin Colton Barnes Before He Got to That Park Ranger

I Regret Those Girls in Roslyn

I Regret Republicans Giving Me a Bad Name

I Regret That Señor Romney Lost the Election

We Regret These Errors.

We Regret These Erors

From the Desk of Michael Jackson

I Regret Being Consigned to Eternal Damnation with the Guy Who Drew The Family Circus

I Regret Not Taking Out Lance Armstrong

We Regret Mentioning Suicide, Publishing Essays about Suicide, and Placing Visual Depictions of Suicide on Our Cover

I Regret Nothing

From the Desk of J. Edgar Hoover

We Wish to Announce Several Regrets (We Wish to Announce Several Regrets)

What You Think About When You Think About Chile

I Regret What's Happening to This City

That Sculpture Is a Stain on Our Reputation

I Regret Not Being Considered Food and Offer, for Your Enjoyment, This Recipe

A Guide to the Jokes in This Issue for the Staff of Gawker

Please Allow Me to Set the Record Straight

I Regret Rehab

I Regret that Pit Bulls Find My Face So Delicious

I Regret Macklemore's Tweets

I Regret Killing All-Ages Music

We Regret We’re So Dumb

In the July 4 issue of The Stranger, above a photo essay on Fly Moon Royalty by the photographer Jack Newton, the word "royalty" was misspelled as "roaylty" in 143-point type. We regret the error.

In a related item, Stranger copy editor Anna Minard, who "proofread" that page on a very hectic afternoon, regrets that every time she hears anything about Fly Moon Royalty now, she breaks out in hives.

In a Slog post on December 4, Stranger theater editor Brendan Kiley wrote that an eight-acre sinkhole in Louisiana was blamed on local oil-drilling activity. In fact, it was blamed on local salt mining. We regret the error.

Emily Nokes, music editor at The Stranger, regrets no one telling her where the bathroom was during her first week in her new position in the editorial department, and because she was too shy to ask (and every passing day made it more weird), she just used the bathroom upstairs in the advertising department where you don't need a key because the doors actually lock from the inside (like normal!) and you never get walked in on. Ms. Nokes knows where the editorial bathroom is now, and regrets it. The key goes missing and today there was no toilet paper.

Cienna Madrid, staff writer for The Stranger, regrets accidentally sending an e-mail to a candidate running for office that mocked said candidate's run for office.

In the March 21 issue of The Stranger, we spelled musician and producer Erik Blood's name as Eric. We regret the error.

Dominic Holden, news editor of The Stranger, regrets that Seattle City Council member Tim Burgess promised The Stranger an exclusive story on his announcement to run for mayor and then promptly broke that promise by spilling the beans to every reporter in town.

In a related item, Tim Burgess regrets that the Seattle Times promptly wrote a story about the bean-spilling incident, making so many people doubt his integrity.

On the cover of the January 4 issue of The Stranger, we promised coverage of the Iowa Primary. We meant the Iowa Caucuses. We regret the error.

In an August 15 Slog post concerning the bar Essex in Ballard, unpaid Stranger intern Hannah Wilson wrote, "Essex is the name of the ship in Moby-Dick." As more than one commenter pointed out, the name of the ship in Moby-Dick is the Pequod; Essex was the name of the real-life ship that inspired Moby-Dick. The editor of the post, Bethany Jean Clement, regrets the error, and also regrets that she still hasn't read Moby-Dick, and further regrets that she didn't recognize the error immediately anyway since Stranger editor in chief Christopher Frizzelle is somewhat obsessed with Moby-Dick and every e-mail he sends from his phone says "Sent from the Pequod" at the end. Hannah Wilson probably regrets the error, too, but she's since moved on to the rest of her life. Ms. Wilson was a good intern, despite the whole Essex/Pequod thing.

The greatest regret of Paul Constant's 2012 is that Herman Cain was not the Republican presidential nominee, because that would have made the entire year pretty much one huge orgasm.

Megan Seling regrets that gum seems to think it has to try so hard these days.

In the November 28 issue of The Stranger, associate editor Charles Mudede wrote that in the R&B tune "Be Careful," R. Kelly is upset about the amount of time his lover, Sparkle, spends with "her snobby girlfriends from college." But a closer examination of the tune's lyrics reveals that R. Kelly is actually upset about how his lover failed to inform him that, while attending college, she made lots of male friends and, worst of all, she's "still reaching out to some of them." We regret the error.

In the February 15 issue of The Stranger, in an article on the Catholic Church, we spelled marriage "marraige," said the church "polled money from other states," and wrote a person declared herself to be "an another" employee. We regret these errors because holy shit, how many people looked at that page before it went out? Five?

In the February 22 issue of The Stranger, we told people that if they caucused with the Republicans they couldn't caucus with the Democrats on the same day. In fact, the caucuses were not on the same day, so that was a goddamn lie.

Sherman Alexie, who writes a fiction column in The Stranger every week, regrets that he included that stupid American Idol story in his most recent book. Mr. Alexie also regrets giving away a pair of gray wool jeans that were, in retrospect, the greatest pants he has ever owned.

In the May 30 issue of The Stranger, we ran the sentence "I'm a vegetarian, but I would eat this burger faster than you can say 'bovine browth hormone.'" We regret the error.

In the July 18 issue of The Stranger, in our primary endorsements, we asserted the state "needed more goddamn time to process fucking ballots from oversees voters in the fucking military." Obviously, we meant "overseas voters." We regret the error.

In the July 18 issue, The Stranger declared that no Seattle mayor has ever gone on to win statewide office, when it should have said no DEMOCRATIC Seattle mayor has ever gone on to win statewide office. AND we said Laura Ruderman was the only Democrat in the race with legislative experience when we meant Ruderman was also the only Democratic WOMAN in the race with legislative experience. Jesus, we really fucked a lot of things up this year.

Eli Sanders, associate editor at The Stranger, regrets that in sounding the alarm about how racists might vote against Steven Gonzalez, "the first Hispanic supreme court justice in Washington State history," Mr. Sanders failed to realize that Gonzalez is not, in fact, the first Hispanic supreme court justice in Washington State history. Justice Charles Z. Smith, who stepped down in 2002, was our state's first Hispanic justice. Gonzalez is, instead, our state's first Mexican American justice. (Also, Gonzalez won—though not without a lot of racists voting against him.) Mr. Sanders (who won a Pulitzer Prize this year, thank God, the glare of said accomplishment going some way toward obscuring the many mistakes The Stranger makes in a given year) regrets the error.

Emily Nokes, music editor at The Stranger, regrets not keeping all her platform tennis shoes from middle school, because now that is all she wants to wear.

Jen Graves, art critic at The Stranger, regrets that she correctly referred to a June exhibition at Cornish for Claude Zervas's sculpture as Black Hole (Tenderness), rather than the mistaken title that Cornish had used, which was Back Hole (Tenderness).

Brendan Kiley, theater editor of The Stranger, regrets that Pastor Kaleb has taken a hiatus from doing his Sunday-morning gospel-hangover brunches at Fred Wildlife Refuge, which Pastor Kaleb called his "parish of the defunct and disoriented." They were such a happy, thrilling marriage of heaven and hell: sort of performance but also a genuine community event (with brunch and drinks) that scratched a deep Sunday-morning itch that some of us sinners—who can't in good conscience support the churches we grew up in—still feel.

Megan Seling, Stranger music writer, spent a year in middle school where she pretended to like the Eagles in hopes that a boy named Cal would ask her out on a date. She regrets the error.

In an April 2 poll on Slog, associate editor David Schmader asked people to vote on which phrase they found more repellent: food baby (meaning impending poo) or fur baby (meaning beloved dog and/or cat). Food baby won with 62 percent of the vote, which is fine. The problem is the word "repellent" was originally misspelled "repellant." We regret the error.

Stranger news writer Goldy regrets having to write that November 1 Slog post about Sylvester Cann's arrest record. Not that it was inaccurate or inappropriate, just that he didn't want to have to write it.

Rob McKenna, the failed Republican candidate for governor, regrets that $80,000 of print ads in the Seattle Times couldn't buy him the governor's mansion.

Seattle Times publisher Frank Blethen, on a related note, regrets this, too.

In the November 7 issue, The Stranger asserted that Washington State voters were as of print deadline approving the legalization of marijuana by "a 55—54 percent margin." We regret that this makes no sense whatsoever.

In the September 5 issue of The Stranger, we ran the wrong byline on the Underage column, so Brittnie Fuller did not get her due. Sorry, Brittnie.

In September, Stranger theater editor Brendan Kiley mistakenly left This Land, a moving tribute-musical to Woody Guthrie by Strawberry Theater Workshop, at intermission. He thought the first act—which was beautifully moody, richly textured with wooden puppets and live actors, and ended on a seemingly perfect note—was the whole play. He regrets the error.

David Schmader regrets however much of his 2012 involved listening to/watching people reenact Carly Rae Jepsen's "Call Me Maybe." Mr. Schmader does not regret the seven weeks he spent repeatedly watching Todrick Hall's Disney-in-the-'hood video spoof "Beauty and the BEAT!" which remains an eternal masterpiece.

Associate editor Eli Sanders regrets that, in all the excitement about marriage equality being enacted this December, he wrote in a Slog headline that the new law had been "Signed, Sealed, and Deliverd." It had—obviously—been delivered. We regret the error.

Stranger news reporter Cienna Madrid regrets that Republican Rob McKenna didn't have a press conference conceding the governor's race to Jay Inslee because it robbed her of the chance to scream "Go get a job!" at him.

In the May 9 issue of The Stranger, in the photo credit for the image on the cover, we misspelled Adrain Chesser's name. We regret the error.

Over the past year, the copy department regretted humanity while reading these phrases in Last Days: "tattooed penis," "using paper clips for root canals," "feces-packed trailer homes," "Chris Brown," "silicone-injection pumping party," "killed herself with a chain saw," "planting his face in the buttocks of joggers," "left her baby on the roof of the car," "Octomom meet and greet," "chewing his victim's face off," "legitimate rape," "putrefying human organs stored in Tupperware," "sex with his miniature donkey," "man who'd been cooked to death," "binders full of women."

Stranger art critic Jen Graves regrets that in the September 5 edition of A&P, the art and performance quarterly produced by The Stranger, she put these words into the mouth of a face depicted on a tiny handmade kite: "I am fierce and I will kill you. I am a samurai." This was not true whatsoever. He was Daruma, the founder of Zen Buddhism. Zen Buddhism would regret that Ms. Graves regrets this mistake, but Zen Buddhism does not regret.

Associate editor Eli Sanders regrets that in a June 29 post on Slog, the Stranger blog, he misspelled the name of Seattle's Marcelas Owens—an amazing young champion of President Obama's health care reform law. Mr. Sanders had written Owens's name at least a half-dozen times over the course of the endless health care reform fight. It's not a very hard name to spell right. We regret Mr. Sanders's mistake. That Pulitzer thing really went to his head.

Emily Nokes, music editor at The Stranger, Kelly O, staff photographer at The Stranger, and Bree McKenna, a freelance music writer for The Stranger, regret that they were not drunk at 10 a.m. on the day of the Men Who Rock photo shoot, because had they been at least tipsy, they definitely would have told musician Kerry Zettel to take his sweatshirt off instead of just unzipping it most of the way.

Theater editor Brendan Kiley regrets not setting aside the time and the money to attend this year's Republican National Convention in Tampa, Florida. Not because he was dying to report on it—Paul Constant thoroughly aced the presidential race for The Stranger this year—but because Mr. Kiley had such a good time at the 2008 convention in Minneapolis/St. Paul. Mr. Kiley snuck into fancy parties with high-class whiskey and cigars, ran through street melees between activists and police, saw Sammy Hagar play a concert for drunk Southern delegates while wearing pink Crocs, and so much more. Here's hoping for more good times in 2016.

Stranger food critic Bethany Jean Clement regrets restaurants that look right into other restaurants through windows. It just seems unnatural, and it is demonstrably confusing, as in the case of Stranger staff photographer Kelly O photographing the interior of The Whale Wins while thinking it was part of Joule, which is right next door, only separated by glass. The photo of the wrong restaurant was almost printed in The Stranger, which would have been regrettable.

Associate editor Charles Mudede regrets recommending the film Elles in the May 15 installment of Stranger Suggests. Mr. Mudede was so dazzled by the cinematography, he failed to see the awfulness of the film's acting, story, and sex scenes.

In the first three issues of arts quarterly A&P, we printed the wrong phone number for Town Hall. As far as we can tell, no one ever noticed, proving the near-complete obsolescence of either telephones or print journalism, we're not sure which.

In the May 30 issue of The Stranger, staff writer Goldy described anyone who defends the initiative process as "either a total fucking idiot or a morally reprehensible piece of shit who puts their own selfish self-interest ahead of the commonweal." Goldy regrets his self-restraint.

Music journalism regrets listicles.

Rain regrets Seattle. No, really. Could you be a bigger bunch of babies? It keeps your salmon swimming, your landscape lush and verdant, and your skin smooth and supple, and all you do is fucking complain: "It's raining too hard!" you whimper. "When will the rain ever stop?" you endlessly fret. Use a fucking umbrella. Or shut the fuck up.

Republicans regret Latinos.

In an April 4 fashion feature, we spelled designer Sibyl Haynes's name wrong in a multitude of ways, misspelling either her first or her last name in nearly every occurrence: the headline, the write-up, her website's URL, even a photo credit. We regret these errors so intensely that everyone associated with that page has been killed and eaten.

In the November 21 issue of The Stranger, we wrote that a motorcycle jacket was on display at EMP "because it resembles one Elvis owned." Elvis did, in fact, own this jacket, which is why it was on display in a museum. We regret the error.

In the October 24 issue of The Stranger, we wrote "powered cocaine" instead of "powder cocaine." We regret the error.

Further, we regret racist crack-versus-powder-cocaine sentencing disparities.

Dominic Holden, news editor at The Stranger, regrets writing "affect change" instead of "effect change" that one time.

Stranger copy editor Anna Minard regrets that when she asked, "Does anyone care that this is a photo of a crocodile instead of an alligator?" while proofing the December 5 issue, the collective answer was "No."

In a November 15 Slog post, Stranger books intern Cate McGehee repeatedly referred to poet Rich Smith as Ben Mirov. Mr. Mirov was scheduled to read, but had airport troubles and could not attend, so Mr. Smith performed in his stead. We regret the error, which is no one's fault except Paul Constant's.

The Great Wheel regrets that it has to spend its entire life going around and around in circles and it will never once get to do what its heart really wants to do, which is have some nasty backdoor sex with a Tilt-A-Whirl.

Eli Sanders, associate editor of The Stranger, regrets that in a July 2 Slog post, he became confused about the 100-year period we're presently living in and had to write: "Thanks, fixed, and now in the present century."

Kelly O regrets almost every single pot cookie she ate in 2012, except that one she ate at a screening of Samsara at Cinerama.

In the November 14 issue of The Stranger, art critic Jen Graves claimed that artist Shaun Kardinal was included in Cornish's all-male exhibition Ils Disent. He wasn't. Ms. Graves did not make it to see that show or review it in the midst of all the all-female exhibitions in conjunction with Elles this fall, but she can't quite bring herself to regret that, though she's considered it.

Stranger critic Paul Constant regrets that certain people behind the making of Grassroots believed that Mr. Constant's very negative June 20 review of Grassroots was retribution for the fact that the filmmakers screwed up Mr. Constant's desk during the filming of the movie, which partly took place in The Stranger's offices. While Mr. Constant was unhappy that strangers rifled through his desk, the truth is just that Grassroots is an awfully boring movie with mostly bad actors, except for, shockingly, Cedric the Entertainer, who was pretty good.

Speaking of which, Paul Constant regrets that his major motion picture debut (and hopefully his only appearance in a movie ever) is in Grassroots; you can see his enormous head tottering around on his fat shoulders in the background of an early shot in the movie, and this split-second view of himself on SIFF Cinema Uptown's giant screen was nearly enough to make him physically ill.

In a "Now Open: New Places for Stuffing Faces" column printed on January 11, The Stranger reported that the owner of Holy Cannoli in Belltown, Adrienne Bandlow, had previously been a social worker. In fact, she comes from a background in behavioral health and public policy, with an undergraduate degree in social justice, a master's in public administration, and post-graduate in risk management/decision analysis. Which is pretty close.

David Schmader regrets Daiseygate.

Stranger theater editor Brendan Kiley and Stranger news reporter Cienna Madrid don't regret getting up at 5:30 a.m. on a cold October morning to drive to Poulsbo to audition for an anti-marriage-equality commercial paid for by Focus on the Family. Mr. Kiley and Ms. Madrid thought it would be fun to land the roles of a homophobic "couple" with a "friendly demeanor," sabotage the commercial, donate their $200-per-person compensation to the Referendum 74 campaign, and write about the whole thing. No regrets there. What Mr. Kiley and Ms. Madrid regret is the sign that greeted them on the Poulsbo studio door saying the auditions were canceled. Mr. Kiley and Ms. Madrid also regret the sour-faced receptionist who said she didn't know if and when they'd be rescheduled. They never got to audition for the commercial, but R-74 passed anyway, so screw 'em. (Still, it would've been fun.)

Charles Mudede, associate editor of The Stranger, regrets that there exists in the universe a parasite that can live only in the guts of cats.

The trees of Seattle regret that they went almost 70 straight fucking days without any rain this summer. Now that ain't right, that ain't right.

Emily Nokes, music editor at The Stranger, regrets agreeing to, no, insisting on trying the Halloween candy that Megan Seling brought into the office to review. She ate the candy-corn-flavored M&Ms, noted that they tasted like heavily scented candles, and just kept on eating them. Later, when the candies made it to the communal candy pile, she accidentally snacked on them until they were gone.

In the February 1 edition of The Stranger, art critic Jen Graves claimed that a tiny work of art by Sara Overton included in the Center on Contemporary Art's 22nd Annual exhibition included a tongue depressor. Ms. Graves did not know how on earth she thought it was a tongue depressor until Ms. Overton mentioned that the Seattle Times would also have to make a correction, and since the Times review came out first and Ms. Graves read it, Ms. Graves is sure she not only made a tongue-depressor error but plagiarized this tongue-depressor error. We regret the error as well as the plagiarism.

The Stranger regrets that the perfectly fine Any Day Now beat Megan Griffiths's thoroughly amazing Eden for best film at SIFF 2012.

Stranger managing editor and food critic Bethany Jean Clement regrets that the rumored bacon shortage failed to materialize. Bacon should cost more, and people should eat less of it (and appreciate it more fully when they do), and pigs should have nicer lives before they become it.

Dominic Holden, news editor at The Stranger, regrets that Pastor Ken Hutcherson, Pastor Joe Fuiten, and Pastor Tim Gaydos all agreed to speak at a gay marriage debate in January, all three promising to make a Christian case for why same-sex couples shouldn't be allowed to marry, only to break their promises and cancel. In their defense, these individuals actually believe that a sky-dwelling giant can listen to your mistakes as you recite them from a tiny wooden room on earth, after which the floating sky-giant will absolve you of any wrongdoing or guilt, no matter what a dishonest piece of shit you are. Must be nice.

Associate editor Eli Sanders regrets taking so long to correct Stranger books editor Paul Constant's unwarranted—and continued—attacks on the sharp-looking tan suit that former president Bill Clinton wore during an election-season fundraiser for Jay Inslee. The suit, which Mr. Constant called "goddamned ugly," was found by a scientific October 12 poll of Slog readers to be "not as bad as Paul thinks it is." Mr. Constant himself put up that poll, and Mr. Sanders, who had been privately bickering with Mr. Constant about the advisability of the suit for a month, regrets that he didn't speak out in public sooner, and instead merely went into the comments of Mr. Constant's post and reminded Mr. Constant: "Wrong. Side. Of. History."

Stranger staff photographer Kelly O regrets that a Canon lens cap costs $30 to replace. She regrets this every time she loses one.

In a related item, Canon Inc. does not regret Kelly O.

Stranger copy editor Anna Minard deeply regrets sending a mass e-mail to her entire middle school in 1997, when e-mail was still pretty new, in which she demanded that everyone "please stop calling me Anna Minard the Retard" because "I don't think it's funny."

Emily Nokes, music editor at The Stranger, regrets not yet singing "Wind Beneath My Wings" to staff music writer Dave Segal for helping her get used to her new position and for putting up with her inane questions about electronic music subgenres that have yet to make sense to her. (Night bus!) Though if she does end up singing the song to him, Ms. Nokes hopes he will no longer use the word "tintinnabulation" when he just means "bell ringing."

Jen Graves regrets that Roger Ebert's February 29 review of the Academy Award—winning documentary film Undefeated—made by Seattle native TJ Martin—still claims that "every player" on the football team documented in the film "has a parent who has been behind bars." Ms. Graves even e-mailed Mr. Ebert herself to ask him to correct this, which he still has not done. Since these are real families, it's a glaring error.

In the January 18 issue of The Stranger, we spelled Jon Huntsman's name wrong in his fake byline, ruining the joke. We regret the error and blame it on marijuana.

Speaking of misspellings, Stranger staffer Kelly O regrets never being able to spell conscious, appropriate, or cognizant.

There are only so many nights in a weekend, but theater editor Brendan Kiley regrets missing the following shows over the past year: the latest bit of psychedelic comedy by the Cody Rivers Show; All Premiere at Pacific Northwest Ballet; The Most Innovative, Daring, and Original Piece of Dance/Performance You Will See This Decade by choreographer Amy O'Neal; the hardcore band Fucked Up at the Showbox; Miracle! and Romeo and Juliet during the summer Intiman festival; Marc Bamuthi Joseph performing on a set by Theaster Gates at Intiman Playhouse; Robbie Fulks playing at the Royal Room; the Benaroya Hall reading by author Hari Kunzru; the Stumblebum Brass Band's first Seattle show at the Blue Moon Tavern; Portland dance company tEEth at On the Boards; The Theater of Needless Talents by Spectrum dance company; The Government Inspector by Theater Anonymous (where nobody knows who's in the cast—not even the other cast members—until opening night); Staff Benda Bilili (a reputedly mind-blowing band from the Democratic Republic of Congo whose core members had been polio-stricken homeless men in Kinshasa before they hit the big time); and so much more.

The excellent books Paul Constant regrets not writing much more about this year include: Zadie Smith's NW; Matthew Dickman's Mayakovsky's Revolver; Wilhelm Reich's final collection of letters, Where's the Truth?; Lisa Robertson's Nilling: Prose Essays on Noise, Pornography, the Codex, Melancholy, Lucretius, Folds, Cities and Related Aporias; Maggie Nelson's The Art of Cruelty; and Gloriana by Kevin Huizenga. The books Paul Constant regrets reading this year include Anne Lamott's Help, Thanks, Wow; America, You Sexy Bitch, by Meghan McCain and Michael Ian Black; and just about anything published by DC Comics. On the whole, it was a pretty great year for books, though.

David Schmader, associate editor of The Stranger, regrets that Laurie Anderson's October performance at Meany Hall landed the same weekend as so much other stuff that made it impossible to see Laurie Anderson at Meany Hall.

On December 4, Stranger staff writer Goldy regretted eating that piece of cake.

While Megan Seling was waiting for the bus this summer, a very stoned, very wide-eyed man walked up to her, put his face very close to hers, and asked if she had ever been abducted by aliens. Ms. Seling regrets saying "No."

Anna Minard regrets that she has yet to find an opportunity to use the joke "Large Hard-on Collider" and, further, that this moment may never come because no one cares about the Large Hadron Collider anymore.

In a listing about an exhibition at Kirkland Arts Center in the online edition of The Stranger's art calendar, the artist Neal Fryett was spelled "Frynett" and accused of being interested in walnuts. He made sculpture out of walnut wood was all.

A certain Stranger staffer regrets not writing for more editions of Seattle Confidential, a quarterly series at ACT Theater in which people submit anonymous stories on a given theme to be read by actors in front of an audience. Writing without a byline is so much more fun than writing with one.

Emily Nokes, music editor at The Stranger, regrets leaving her debit card at almost every show she went to in 2012, once being so embarrassed by the repeated mistake that she canceled the card and got a new one rather than face that friendly bartender again.

King County Council member Reagan Dunn regrets that he never did porn.

The world regrets the loss of the incomparable Adam Yauch of the Beastie Boys, but appreciates that news of his death prompted us to listen to, and rap along with, the entirety of Licensed to Ill at top volume in the office that day.

The Stranger news department regrets that "Power to the People," our fantastic idea for an interactive series mapping all of the city's free power outlets, somehow didn't really take off. We still think it's brilliant.

On July 24, Megan Seling wrote on Line Out that the band the Menzingers "sound like the kind of music that would be playing if Matt Skiba were tongue kissing Bruce Springsteen." She regrets it because what the fuck does that even mean?

Eli Sanders, The Stranger's associate editor, regrets that failed 7th Congressional District candidate Andrew Hughes, who seemed to have money to burn, could not put together a better snack table at his campaign kickoff at Vermillion during primary election season. Mr. Sanders and his colleagues were famished, and there was no avoiding the determination that a winning campaign cannot be launched on stale bread.

Staff photographer Kelly O regrets she couldn't host a fancier wedding for Garrett and Snowflake, the man and goat who got married for the cover of the December 5 issue of The Stranger.

Paul Constant will always regret that he didn't wake up early enough to personally attend Michele Bachmann's concession speech in Des Moines, Iowa, on January 4, 2012, when he was in Iowa covering the Republican caucuses. Instead, he ate an Egg McMuffin while sitting in his flophouse and live-blogged CNN's coverage of Bachmann's concession, which is pretty much a portrait of regret at its most pungent.

Dominic Holden, news editor at The Stranger, regrets that a faction of Occupy Seattle activists rejected a nonviolence resolution last winter and that so many people left the organization as a result. He further regrets that the potential of Occupy Seattle, which so many people poured their hearts and souls into, was ultimately squandered by a handful of megalomaniacal asswipes.

Theater editor Brendan Kiley regrets that he hasn't devoted more time to honing his skills on the badminton circuit in Seattle's various community centers. The Chinese and Pakistani players there (who rove from center to center, depending on the day of the week) are pleasant enough around the water fountain but merciless on the court. He looks forward to the day when he and his partner actually win a match.

Rick Santorum regrets pretty much everything.

Charles Mudede, associate editor of The Stranger, regrets that I Want My Name Back, a documentary about the most important piece of music in the history of hiphop, "Rapper's Delight," was only attended by one person during its entire run at Northwest Film Forum. Can you believe that? Out of the 600,000 individuals in this rappity rap city, only one cared enough to watch a movie about the founding document of hiphop.

In the September 5 edition of The Stranger, a review of the Veggie Grill, a new vegan chain restaurant in South Lake Union, included the perspectives of "one vegan, one vegetarian, and one carnivore." Staff food critic Bethany Jean Clement regrets that more than one reader felt it necessary to point out in online comments that Ms. Clement is not, strictly speaking, a carnivore—e.g., "No human is a carnivore. You would starve to death quickly." Ms. Clement is well aware that she does not only eat meat. However, she does not eat literally everything—the legs of tables, other people, etc.—so "omnivore," in its strictest sense (which is what readers appeared to be hewing to), is not correct either. The word "carnivore" was used in the way that it is commonly understood by human beings, and just because you're vegan doesn't mean you have to get in such a snit about things. Ms. Clement also regrets that the food at the Veggie Grill tasted so weird and bad.

Staff photographer Kelly O regrets not finally starting a Drunk of the Week 1-800 phone number. There needs to be a hotline!

In the September 26 issue of The Stranger, in a news graphic about a judicial race, the lines were labeled with the wrong numbers, causing the line graph to make absolutely no sense. We regret the error.

Emily Nokes, music editor at The Stranger, regrets spelling Macklemore's name wrong in a blog post. She is not sure which is worse, the error itself, or the fact that it was rudely pointed out by a commenter named "Beef."

Stranger books editor Paul Constant regrets that Seattle lost two very good bookstores—Queen Anne Books and Inner Chapters—in the last year, and he'd like to remind you to buy your fucking books from real, live human beings, and not the Great Walmart in the Sky.

Dominic Holden, news editor of The Stranger, regrets that within 10 minutes of editing a giant feature by several Stranger writers last February about the Susan G. Komen for the Cure withdrawing money for Planned Parenthood, they reversed their decision, thereby rendering thousands of words instantly obsolete.

Mr. Holden, news editor of The Stranger, further regrets that the preceding regret makes it sound like finishing that article was more important than millions of dollars for Planned Parenthood, which it isn't.

In the August 15 issue of The Stranger, Charles Mudede incorrectly identified Parker Joe as the singer on The Flavr Blue's poppy, pretty tune "City Is Watching." The actual singer is Lace Cadence. We regret the error.

Newly elected representative Suzan DelBene regrets that she misplaced her personality sometime in the mid-1970s.

Cienna Madrid, staff writer for The Stranger, regrets the 36 spelling and grammatical errors that Slog commenters caught in the past year, forcing her to write, among other things, "fixed, thanks!" "OMG fixed," "that's not how you spell instillation," and "fine, it's fucking fixed already" over the past year.

On November 6, associate editor David Schmader was walking to the Stranger election night party at the Showbox when he saw a novelty T-shirt in a downtown shop window. On the front of this T-shirt was the much-appropriated British wartime slogan "Keep Calm and Carry On," presented in the classic vertical column with a crown on top, but with the text modified to read "Keep Calm and Gangnam Style." Mr. Schmader regrets that in 20 years, a sitcom will use this T-shirt as a visual symbol for our entire decade.

In an October 22 post, Stranger staff writer Goldy confused Iowa State University with the University of Iowa. He's still not sure which is which, because who gives a shit.

Stranger copy editor Anna Minard really regrets Brad Pitt's whole hair/beard situation right now.

Emily Nokes, music editor at The Stranger, regrets not realizing that local government still elected a sheriff, since she thought "sheriff" just sounded so old-timey and they must have titles like "Cop King" by now. Ms. Nokes also regrets being at McCoy's Firehouse Bar & Grill in Pioneer Square with a bunch of pirates at Sheriff Urquhart's election party when it was announced that President Obama would still be President Obama. Ms. Nokes does like the new sheriff, though, and is happy he won and hopes she will never get a speeding ticket again now that she has a picture with him.

On Tuesday, September 11, Paul Constant attempted to cover a protest outside a Paul Ryan fundraiser in Hunts Point. Instead, he got lost and wandered around the wilderness for a couple hours before finally catching a bus back home. The Stranger regrets Paul Constant.

In a story in the January 18 issue of The Stranger introducing the new M.I.A. Gallery downtown and its exhibition of the fantastic photographs of Malick Sidibé, art critic Jen Graves reported that the gallery's owner, Mariane Lenhardt, knew Sidibé personally. That is not the case. Ms. Lenhardt regrets that and hopes to travel to Mali to change it, and she also regrets that the political conditions have grown more complicated there this past year.

On the afternoon of September 6, theater editor Brendan Kiley recorded an hour-long interview with Seattle Police Department sergeant Sean Whitcomb and Stranger Genius Award winner Gabriel Baron, who had recently directed a production of Dario Fo's Accidental Death of an Anarchist, which Sergeant Whitcomb attended. The three of them talked about the play, anarchism, parodies of cops in theater and film, the differences between Italian police in the 1970s and Seattle police in the 2010s, and other topics. It was a good conversation. Unfortunately, Mr. Kiley did not check the microphones beforehand, and one of them was super-duper hot, making the conversation unlistenable. Mr. Kiley deeply regrets the oversight.

In the January 25 issue of The Stranger, we ran Paul Kuniholm Pauper's name as Paul Susie Pauper, for reasons we can no longer fathom. We regret the error.

Every music-making person in the world regrets the crock of shit that is "YouTube sensation" Karmin for having such a lucrative career based on doing nothing but delivering milquetoast versions of other people's material while making goofy faces and looking "cute."

In an April 17 Slog post, art critic Jen Graves wrote that Foster/White Gallery did not work with Seattle painter Alden Mason until after Don Foster sold the gallery to the Huang family, but that was not true. We regret the error.

Cienna Madrid regrets not making the distinction between Literacy*Americorps and its umbrella organization, Americorps, in a July article about the King County Jail cutting funding for women's GED classes. Ms. Madrid can read, but sometimes she can't write for shit.

Stranger managing editor and food critic Bethany Jean Clement regrets that, for reasons that are too tedious to explain here, she was finally forced to join Facebook.

Gillian Anderson, copy chief of The Stranger, regrets that the Honey Boo Boo show is so mesmerizing.

In the November 28 issue of The Stranger, we wrote that Heidi Bove played the role of Christmas Present in the community theater presentation of Scrooge: The Musical when the part was actually played by Rebecca Maiten. We regret the error.

Sally Clark, a Seattle City Council member, regrets that argumentum ad temperantiam—the idea that compromise is always the solution—is actually a logical fallacy. Her job requires picking one side or the other.

In a related item, Ms. Clark further regrets that if her council colleague Tim Burgess is elected mayor, she'll have to walk up five flights of stairs to ask him how to vote.

Kelly O would regret some things that happened at Pony during gay pride if only she could remember what they were.

Theater editor Brendan Kiley regrets dancing so hard and recklessly with his brother one night that he pushed his wrist through a thin piece of glass on a mantel, cut an artery, and nearly bled to death on his kitchen floor. Mr. Kiley is glad to be alive, but very sorry to see those emergency-room bills rolling in.

Cienna Madrid, staff writer for The Stranger, regrets getting cancer survivor Jodi Jaecks's age wrong in an article that had absolutely nothing to do with age and everything to do with Jaecks's desire to swim topless (and breastless) in Seattle city pools.

The August 29 issue of The Stranger included this sentence: "The bees in the park found my sandwich to be just as irresistible as I did, with three of the feisty little fuckers clinging to the corned beef at one time." Obviously, "bees" should have appeared as "yellow jackets," since bees don't eat meat. Bees are vegetarians. We regret the error.

Rob McKenna campaign staffer Kathlyn Ehl regrets tweeting "shut up and speak english #asians." Nobody regrets Asian Counseling and Referral Service's statement about Ehl's tweet, which noted, "Honestly, if it were that easy to 'shut up and speak English,' we wouldn't be helping tens of thousands of people a year with multilingual counseling services, ESL job training, and legal translation."

Governor Chris Gregoire, who is retiring this month, regrets the she has no notable progressive accomplishment in her eight years' tenure, although she doesn't regret it nearly as much as the progressives who elected her.

In September's Back to School Guide, Stranger associate editor David Schmader wrote an exceedingly brief primer on how college students might best "enjoy the rapturous pleasures of adult intoxicants" without ruining their lives. His advice for those college students who might be considering becoming heroin users: "Just kill yourself now." This terse response inspired a small backlash from those who found Mr. Schmader's language discriminatory against drug users, culminating in a petition demanding that The Stranger cease "marginalizing the drug-using community." The petition never really took off (47 signatures in three months). Nevertheless, Mr. Schmader regrets that his words for drug-curious college students might be read by actual heroin users as a judgment of their lifestyle, he guesses.

In the December 19 issue of The Stranger, in a column about our annual fundraiser for Northwest Harvest, we said that the (really great) organization "provides 1.7 meals a month to hungry families across Washington State." The correct figure is 1.7 million meals. We were just trying to do something good for once in our lives, but we screwed that up, too.

The Stranger regrets Pizza Hut perfume.

On October 25, Megan Seling, The Stranger's web editor, and her husband were walking along the East River on Roosevelt Island in New York when a woman decided to end her life. The woman was only a few yards away when she climbed over a guardrail, swam out to the middle of the river, and drifted away to sea. The police were called—search boats, a helicopter, and dozens of patrol cars searched the water and the shoreline for her or her body while the recovery divers stood by, and after two hours of looking, nothing was ever found. The woman would be gone forever. Megan deeply regrets not doing more to try to stop her, or, perhaps more realistically, she regrets not being able to do anything at all.

On the evening of December 4, theater editor Brendan Kiley was walking in Belltown with his wife when they saw a young woman who was clearly drunk and/or high out of her mind stumbling down the sidewalk and occasionally into traffic. Her pants kept falling down, revealing her bare ass cheeks and attracting stares—some pitying, some leering—from other people. Mr. Kiley and his wife tried to talk to the woman, to see if she needed assistance and whether they could help her get to wherever she was going safely. Also, it was raining. The woman was semi-responsive and mostly ignored the attempts to talk to her, though she once took Mr. Kiley's wife's hand, looked deeply into her eyes, and said, "Where do you want to go?" before wandering off again. A social worker named Mike who helps homeless men at the Millionair Club got in on the action, saying, "It's not safe for her out here—she might fall into the wrong hands." He thought he recognized her from around the area. They tried to talk to her, and called a few numbers to see if they could find someone to help her, but it was useless. The woman eventually wandered away. "We've got to have a better system in place," Mike said, shaking his head as she disappeared around a corner. "We've got to have a way to help people like that. This is not right."

The Stranger regrets that so many people in Seattle's performance community lost friends and fellow artists this year, including (but not limited to) musicians and vaudevillians Drew Keriakedes and Joe Albanese, actor Heather Hughes, and director/actor/writer/all-around stalwart Andrea Allen.

On the morning of Wednesday, May 30, a man who suffered for years from untreated mental illness walked into Cafe Racer—a place he'd been many times—and opened fire, killing four people and critically wounding one. He went on to kill two more people that day: a person in a parking lot on First Hill and then himself. The Stranger regrets a deadly combination of accessible guns and inadequate health care, especially mental health care, that contribute to terrible days like that one.

Mars regrets it has nothing really interesting to show us. recommended