We Regret These Errors

We Regret These Errors

Sorrowful Remorse

From the Desk of the Enumclaw Horse

From the Desk of Katie Holmes's Fetus

From the Desk of Former Monorail Director Joel Horn

Dept. of Corrections

I Regret Not Killing Benjamin Colton Barnes Before He Got to That Park Ranger

I Regret Those Girls in Roslyn

I Regret Republicans Giving Me a Bad Name

I Regret That Señor Romney Lost the Election

We Regret These Erors

From the Desk of Michael Jackson

I Regret Being Consigned to Eternal Damnation with the Guy Who Drew The Family Circus

I Regret Not Taking Out Lance Armstrong

We Regret Mentioning Suicide, Publishing Essays about Suicide, and Placing Visual Depictions of Suicide on Our Cover

I Regret Nothing

From the Desk of J. Edgar Hoover

We Wish to Announce Several Regrets (We Wish to Announce Several Regrets)

What You Think About When You Think About Chile

I Regret What's Happening to This City

That Sculpture Is a Stain on Our Reputation

I Regret Not Being Considered Food and Offer, for Your Enjoyment, This Recipe

A Guide to the Jokes in This Issue for the Staff of Gawker

Please Allow Me to Set the Record Straight

I Regret Rehab

I Regret that Pit Bulls Find My Face So Delicious

I Regret Macklemore's Tweets

I Regret Killing All-Ages Music

We Regret We’re So Dumb

Due to a printer mishap in the August 16, 2007, issue of The Stranger, the first issue after our redesign, the headline for a news article by Erica C. Barnett read, approximately, "CCCCC COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCC CCCCCCCCC." We regret the error.

In that same issue of The Stranger, owing to the same printer problem, news editor Josh Feit's CounterIntel column ran under the headline "THE P008 B OLUTION." We regret the error.

Music columnist Eric Grandy regrets any and all hyperbole, trend casting, and bandwagon jumping he may have done in 2007. To clarify: No one is the next Modest Mouse or the new grunge; there is no such thing as "new rave" (there may, in fact, be no such thing as "dubstep"); and all those rave Daft Punk reviews were probably just the E talking.

In the October 11 issue of The Stranger, music writer Megan Seling wrote that emo pop band Jimmy Eat World is from Tucson, Arizona. The band is actually from Mesa, Arizona. We regret the error.

Stranger associate editor Charles Mudede regrets writing an ambiguous review of Seattle School's A Clockwork Orange REMIXED in the February 8 issue. The review should have made it clear to the reader that the performance was a complete waste of time and a disaster.

In the March 1 issue of The Stranger, news reporter Jonah Spangenthal-Lee misspelled his own last name in his first Stranger byline. We regret the error.

Copy editor Gillian Anderson regrets that every time she posts on Slog, some dumbass makes a comment about The X-Files.

In a June 28 Stranger Suggests item, Christopher Frizzelle, the editor of The Stranger, wrote: "Heather McHugh is a goat-cheese crouton." In fact, she is a human being, and a great writer. We regret the error.

Dan Savage, editorial director of The Stranger, regrets that so many people assumed that when he adopted a new title in 2007, that of editorial director, at which time the title of editor passed to Christopher Frizzelle, a notorious abuser of trust, that Mr. Savage basically stopped doing any real work at The Stranger. "All you do now is blog," one editorial staffer said to Mr. Savage's face at a subsequent editorial meeting, which prompted Mr. Savage to send a furious e-mail detailing his duties as editorial director to the entire editorial staff. Mr. Savage regrets his new title, regrets blogging, and regrets sending that e-mail.

David Schmader, an associate editor of The Stranger, regrets how much joy he got this year from looking at photos of Paris Hilton weeping in the back of a police car.

In the voter's cheat sheet in our August 21 primary election guide, we checked the box for Al Runte instead of the candidate we had endorsed, Venus Velázquez. We regret the error.

Stranger music writer Ari Spool regrets not seeing Monotonix the first time they played Seattle this year, when they reportedly lit their cymbals on fire at the Comet. Her error was rectified at their most recent Seattle appearance, where the first thing they did was set their cymbals on fire.

The Stranger regrets that in May 10 food review, Paul Constant raved about the Steelhead Diner's poutine. A few months later, Smith opened, and their poutine is so much better than the Steelhead Diner's poutine that the Steelhead Diner's poutine would have to be described as terrible by comparison. However, Constant does not regret titling the piece "Wang Dang Sweet Poutine."

After the August 2007 redesign of The Stranger, hiphop columnist Larry Mizell Jr.'s name was misspelled at the top of his column every week for over a month. We regret the error.

The artist Cris Bruch's name was misspelled on the cover of the July 5 issue of The Stranger, and the artist Ariana Page Russell's name was misspelled in the November 8 issue of The Stranger. We regret these errors.

Seattle Weekly Longenbaugh on Theatre columnist John Longenbaugh regrets misspelling the name of Northwest Actors Studio founder and former director Ann Graham on January 10, and that of Seattle Repertory Theatre artistic director David Esbjornson on January 24. He also regrets leaving a voice-mail message for Washington Ensemble Theatre in which he admitted "I haven't seen any of your work—because I haven't been seeing much theater at all in the last couple of years" immediately prior to writing a feature generalizing about Seattle theater.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, the president of the Islamic Republic of Iran, regrets that there are homosexuals in Iran. He also regrets that Iranian homosexuals are so damned attractive. He regrets their dark hair and eyes, their full lips, and their round, biteable buttocks frolicking beneath their loose-fitting linen pants like playful puppies.

Of Montreal regrets doing that Outback Steakhouse commercial, but not the T-Mobile ad, which is actually clever and pretty cute.

In the December 6 issue of The Stranger, music editor Jonathan Zwickel stated that soul singer Sharon Jones was 51 and that 10 years ago, when she was in her early 30s, she auditioned for David Byrne's backing band. We regret the very obvious error.

President George W. Bush regrets that Gerald Ford died this year. He was looking forward to a long, fulfilling retirement by Gerry's side, cashing checks and laughing, just laughing, ceaselessly laughing.

In the October 25 issue of The Stranger, music columnist Eric Grandy referred to Panther's Charlie Salas-Humara as an "absurdist white-boy Prince." Panther is, in fact, "white-boy Eddie Money fronting the Doors." We regret the error.

Jonah Spangenthal-Lee regrets ever defending David Della to the rest of the news department. It was an embarrassing 15 seconds.

The copy department regrets that the article introducing the Public Intern accidentally offered his services for a "fling" instead of "filing."

Eli Sanders, The Stranger's national political reporter, regrets that he was not in a position to say no to an October HUMP! assignment that, predictably, ended up involving the word "teledildonics" and the phrase "it sure can fuck good."

In the December 13 issue of The Stranger, the Control Tower column contained the sentence "I have a confession abou Man Trouble." We regret the error.

In a November 8 story about the Representative Richard Curtis sex scandal, the Northern Quest Casino was sometimes referred to as the Northwest Quest Casino. We regret the error.

Jen Graves, The Stranger's visual art editor, regrets that in last year's Regrets Issue, she regretted the terrible sentence "As the Ragu people would say, it's in there" in an art review, because after she made that regret public, she was notified that in fact the "it's in there" tagline is from Prego, not Ragu, which led to a correction.

City Council Member Richard McIver regrets that his dinner was not made and his house was not clean when he got home that fateful October night.

Copy editor Gillian Anderson regrets that ex-Mars Hill pastor Bent Meyer's name appeared in the paper as Brent Meyer because, well, Bent Meyer just sounds like a porn name. But it's not.

Paul Constant regrets titling the March 1 edition of Party Crasher "Chinese Fun-ocracy."

The Ron Paul blimp regrets underinformed, vaguely libertarian young men and their fascination with a loopy right-wing schmuck. All the Ron Paul blimp really wants to do is fly free and touch the sky, unencumbered by politics.

In the September 20 issue of The Stranger, the Flaming Lips song "Fight Test" was referred to as "Flight Test." We regret the error.

Al Jolson regrets Black Black's February 1 show at Neumo's.

West Seattle regrets Amanda Knox.

The Ivory Coast regrets Rudy Hermann Guede.

David Schmader, an associate editor of The Stranger, regrets knowing what Lindsay Lohan's labia looks like. He also regrets the grammar-based debate over whether labia is plural ("Labia look like? Labia looks like?") that accompanied the writing of this regret.

In the August 23 issue of The Stranger, Jonah Spangenthal-Lee used the term "firerrhea" in a story about a string of arsons in Magnolia. Mr. Spangenthal-Lee regrets he only had the opportunity to use the phrase once this year.

In the November 1 issue of The Stranger, freelance food critic Sage Van Wing wrote that Le Fournil serves pan au chocolat, which is not a food. In fact, Le Fournil serves pain au chocolat, and it is delicious.

While writing an August 22 review of The Nanny Diaries, Annie Wagner worried that there was no word to describe directly the indignity being perpetrated on Laura Linney’s character. Men alone can be cuckolded—the word conjures visions of goat horns and beet-red humiliation—but women suffer the infidelities of their husbands without even a name to honor the experience. Or so it seemed. Then, a survey of the surrounding words in the online Oxford English Dictionary revealed an “obs.” and wonderful female equivalent: the 16th century jewel “cuckquean,” last revived in James Joyce’s Ulysses. Even better, it could be used as a transitive verb, just like cuckold! And just in time for Hillary Clinton’s run for president of the United States! Unfortunately, when Ms. Wagner attempted to transcribe this delicious word, she somehow rendered it “cuckqwean.” What?! The mortified Ms. Wagner really, really regrets the error.

When the first redesigned issue of The Stranger was published on August 16, theater editor Brendan Kiley complained loudly around the office about the navigational tabs at the top of most right-hand pages. He said they were "obvious," "redundant," and "ugly." But Mr. Kiley has since found them helpful, and is begrudgingly grateful to whoever came up with the idea.

Stranger visual art editor Jen Graves regrets that the artist Pawel Althamer didn't care about the people who went to walk his Path through a wheat field at the Münster Sculpture Projects in Germany after the wheat was harvested, because this meant that Graves could not find the path and walked a very long way across a dirt field, looking and feeling dumb.

In the June 14 issue of The Stranger, in the feature package "A Month of Sundays," managing editor Bradley Steinbacher wrote that Seattle's O'Dea High School is a Jesuit institution. It is not. Compounding the error, Mr. Steinbacher is himself a graduate of O'Dea High School, leaving many—including his parents—to wonder whether he actually learned anything during grades 10 to 12. Mr. Steinbacher regrets the error. His father regrets "spending all that goddamn money" so his son could "spend every day getting high and playing grab-ass instead of learning."

Stranger associate editor Charles Mudede regrets his review of recording artist Burial in the November 15 issue. He feels the praise he heaped on the genius's second CD, Untrue, was not enough.

King County Executive Ron Sims regrets having endorsed Hillary Clinton now that Barack Obama seems poised to win Iowa, and perhaps the Democratic nomination. (Unless, of course, Obama doesn't win Iowa, and Clinton does go on to become president, in which case Sims expects—are you listening Hillary?—to get the fuck away from all this rain and Sound Transit bullshit and become the next U.S. ambassador to Bermuda.)

The Stranger's web team regrets the dozens of times we messed up the link to Savage Love's online-exclusive content this year.

The Stranger regrets omitting the following photographers' credits this year: Gel Featherweight, Adam L. Weintraub, and Drew McKenzie. Further, The Stranger left illustrator Rusty Zimmerman's name off his beautiful drawing of Hillary Clinton in our November 1 issue. You guys are wonderful and we suck.

Amy Kate Horn, The Stranger's web editor, regrets both drinking too much and appearing on camera during the taxicab races in May. She also regrets that her bangs were so short then.

Seattle Weekly regrets publishing heartless, kick-'em-while-they're-down caricatures of Seattle's homeless population the same week that The Stranger kicked off its homeless-helping Strangercrombie charity auction.

Stranger art director Aaron Huffman regrets Sound Transit's misguided attempt to capture The Stranger's art style (translation: gay) with its cover for last year's auctioned-off Strangercrombie issue. He hopes this year's top bidder will do better. A lot better.

In the April 19 issue, reporter Jonah Spangenthal-Lee interviewed a Bremerton couple who believed they were the living incarnations of Neo and Trinity from The Matrix. Mr. Spangenthal-Lee regrets that he doesn't get to write stories like that more often.

Former Party Crasher Paul Constant regrets the two scars on his arm that he acquired at an Easter party in April. He had too many shots of something that may or may not have been a beverage called Pucker and fell off a porch into a bramble bush.

In the October 18 issue of The Stranger, The Stranger Election Control Board called school board incumbent Darlene Flynn a bitch. The statement was meant as a compliment. We regret the error.

The Stranger regrets that reporter Angela Valdez's tenure at The Stranger was so brief.

Stranger editorial designer Dan Paulus regrets that the most action he got as Santa at the company Christmas party was a kiss from Bradley Steinbacher. Mr. Paulus had to shave his beard just to escape the smell.

The Stranger's web development department regrets the following code revisions: r1914, r1946 (it's been two months and still no one's noticed that one), r1776, r1685, and particularly r1877—man, was that one a disaster.

Jen Graves, The Stranger's art critic, regrets that everyone in this city did not witness Meiro Koizumi's video Art of Awakening when it was on display at Punch Gallery in April. It was a total sleeper, Ms. Graves only wrote about it briefly, and it involved three men poking a plastic-bag creature with a long red stick.

Barack Obama regrets never having used the campaign slogans "Once you go Barack, you never go back" or "Barack to the future."

In a June 3 Stranger Suggests item, Ari Spool suggested attending a performance of Moscow Cats Theater, an enterprising Russian cat circus whose YouTube videos had amused her for hours. She was later informed that it sucked "in an embarrassing way. Like where you are embarrassed for the people performing." She also promised that the cats would be wearing bow ties, which they were not. The Stranger regrets these errors and will make an effort to not recommend things based on YouTube as often.

In his June 7 review of Issaquah's Village Theater production of Tommy, Josh Feit panned the musical for being a rip off of Radiohead, when it fact it owes more to Coldplay. We regret the error.

God regrets that He spent the last year being kicked around by popular atheist books and then somebody in the mainstream lit world finally writes a book supporting Him and who is it? Norman "Thanks For The Motherfucking Credibility Boost" Mailer.

In a related item, God doesn't regret killing Norman Mailer.

Brendan Kiley, who edits the Stranger Suggests page, regrets the whole of the de-Suggests debacle. It started when we suggested a One Pot dinner called "the Clear Cut Press Potlatch." It seemed like a promising event—a self-described "maelstrom... in a cathedralesque barn of a space" near the Duwamish River, involving novelist Matthew Stadler, paintings by Michael Brophy, music by DJ Masa, a dinner presided over by Michael Hebberoy, and so on. It was unexpectedly expensive ($35), cold, tardy, and shambling. Worse, the event (and the speeches by the organizers) were weirdly arrogant, like we were all lucky to be there, eating such mediocre food and hearing such mediocre thoughts. Mr. Kiley, feeling bad for anyone who had attended the abysmal event on The Stranger's suggestion, de-Suggested the event on Slog. That de-Suggest precipitated a long and unpleasant discussion in the Slog comments between Stranger writers and the event organizers and their friends. Old feuds flared up. New enemies were made. Insults were exchanged. (From Emily White—who is married to Rich Jensen of Clear Cut Press and used to be the editor of The Stranger: "You are all a bunch of bores who should never be invited to a dinner party in the first place. You would've spent 35 bucks on bad pot and sat on your beanbag chairs, talking about the opera you are going to write. And believe me, that opera is gonna be BAD.") Mr. Kiley doesn't regret de-Suggesting the Clear Cut Press Potlatch, he just regrets how mean and small everybody was about it.

The Stranger news department regrets they aren't paid anything extra for all their stories that end up in the Seattle Post-Intelligencer.

Stranger associate editor Charles Mudede regrets that Robert Mugabe is running for president of Zimbabwe in 2008. The idiot has been in power since 1980.

Jonah Spangenthal-Lee, a news reporter at The Stranger, regrets never taking the opportunity to hit on any of Tim Burgess's hot daughters.

Megan Seling, a music writer at The Stranger, regrets ending her Underage column on December 6 with the sentence: "Sorry if you're Jewish." It seemed funny at the time.

The Stranger's IT staff regrets the ongoing need for The Stranger's non-IT staff.

Christopher Frizzelle, who edits The Stranger's book reviews, does not regret assigning a review of the Dex Yellow Pages to Dan Savage for a roundup of "overlooked summer beach reads." The outraged e-mail from Ken Clark, the phone-book publisher, was priceless.

The July 5 issue of The Stranger contained an interview with the poet Theodore Roethke conducted by Claude Souvenir. It has since come to light that Mr. Roethke has been dead since 1963 and that Claude Souvenir doesn't exist. We regret the error.

In the July 26 installment of his literary column Nightstand, Christopher Frizzelle reviewed the text on the back of the Police Beat DVD. We regret the error. In a related matter, Nightstand no longer appears in The Stranger.

Erica C. Barnett tried to regret making fun of Burning Man acolytes, but couldn't bring herself to sincerely regret it.

In the February 1 issue of The Stranger, Last Days columnist David Schmader reported the case of the two teenage brothers in Atlanta, who confessed to charges of animal cruelty after duct-taping a puppy's snout and paws then cooking the animal in the oven. Last Days columnist David Schmader regrets having a job that occasionally requires him to confront the fact that sometimes a pair of brothers will duct-tape a puppy's snout and paws and cook it in an oven.

In the June 21 issue of The Stranger, music editor Jonathan Zwickel misspelled D.Black's name as "D.Back." We regret the error.

The Whitney Biennial regrets choosing Portland's MK Guth as the only Northwest artist included in its 2008 lineup, because MK Guth's art is bad.

The Seattle Police Department regrets repeatedly getting caught beating up all those brown people.

Jonah Spangenthal-Lee regrets ever writing anything bad about Club Lagoon. That place was so awesome.

Erica C. Barnett regrets that people still ride fixies. She does not, however, regret refusing to refer to them as "fixed-gear bikes," because that just makes you sound like a douchebag.

In the March 15 issue, Megan Seling reviewed the boring movie Premonition by rewriting the plot as though it were an episode of the '80s sitcom Perfect Strangers. Which made no sense at all. We regret the error.

Stranger film critic Annie Wagner regrets that after four January installments of Baugh! her weekly Slog critique of Longenbaugh on Theatre, she had to devote her time to other things. It's really too bad, because she looked at the column just the other day, and it contained the sentence, "If butter were sexy, it would look like this woman."

John Richards regrets not getting more involved with the management of the Blakes.

In an online review of Ozzie's Roadhouse, The Stranger misspelled "all right." We regret the error.

In the February 22 issue of The Stranger, theater editor Brendan Kiley wrote that the 1964 movie Becket, starring Richard Burton and Peter O'Toole, was filmed in black and white. It was actually filmed in color. We regret the error.

Bradley Steinbacher, managing editor of The Stranger, regrets having watched Oliver Stone's long-winded and disastrous Alexander three separate times in order to write pieces about it for this paper, though he does take some pride in having survived the ordeal.

In the September 20 issue of The Stranger, music editor Jonathan Zwickel stated that Rick Gershon is the manager of the Flaming Lips. Gershon handles national press for the band; he is not their manager. We regret the error.

Dan Savage, editorial director of The Stranger, regrets posting an item about his boyfriend's mustache to Slog, The Stranger's blog. He also regrets inviting Slog readers to vote on whether Mr. Savage's boyfriend should be "allowed" to keep his mustache or should have to shave off his mustache to please Mr. Savage. Mr. Savage would like to take this opportunity to publicly apologize to Mr. Savage's boyfriend, who has since shaved his mustache off, and Mr. Savage promises to henceforth refrain from discussing the hair or hairs on his boyfriend's face, head, chest, legs, groin, or ass crack on Slog, The Stranger's blog, or in the print edition of The Stranger.

Eric Grandy regrets the indelibility of sidewalk graffiti.

Megan Seling sorta, maybe, just a little bit regrets the tattoo she got the day after her 27th birthday.

In the June 28 issue of The Stranger, book critic Paul Constant referred to author Ann Rule as a woman with "a grandmother's taste in ugly dresses." Though she does own some ugly clothes, Ann Rule does not wear dresses. The Stranger regrets the error.

John Edwards appreciates that Americans love his smile and his hair, but he regrets that they don't love them quite as much as he does. Also, he regrets not slapping Teresa Heinz Kerry when he had the chance.

Eli Sanders regrets that he was involved in a January feature titled "The Runs," but understands that the medical community considers this to be a normal side effect of cowriting with Dan Savage.

News editor Josh Feit regrets letting reporter Jonah Spangenthal-Lee write a story about a homeless bongo player in Fremont.

Waterboarding regrets that its name makes it sound superfun, like some sort of extreme sport.

David Schmader, an associate editor of The Stranger, regrets seeing as much as he did of Lauren Likes Candy, the award-winning HUMP!3 submission in which one woman teaches another woman a terrible lesson about having feelings, occasionally with the aid of a knife.

In the June 14 issue of The Stranger, reporter Jonah Spangenthal-Lee made light of a dead prostitute. He regrets the error. The phone call from her son the next day was really rough.

Erica C. Barnett regrets the acronym "RTID." She also regrets that people don't understand how important and fascinating the Regional Transportation Investment District debate really was.

Dan Savage, editorial director of The Stranger, is certain he WOULD regret inviting a group of Stranger staffers over to his house to bake matzo using human blood in place of water IF Mr. Savage had done any such thing. But IF Mr. Savage did invite several coworkers over to his house—including Jewish coworkers—to prepare blood matzo, Mr. Savage's intentions were pure. If blood matzo was prepared in Mr. Savage's kitchen on or near Passover in 2007, it was a misguided effort to disprove the "blood libel," e.g. the claim that Jews prepare matzo, the unleavened bread consumed by Jews during Passover, with the blood of innocent Christians. If Mr. Savage and Brendan Kiley, performance editor of The Stranger, had their innocent Christian blood drawn in Mr. Savage's kitchen by a licensed phlebotomist, and if their blood was mixed with kosher flour in a food processor, and if this mixture was then rolled out on sheets of wax paper, and then baked in Mr. Savage's oven, and it was discovered that a fine, deep-purple matzo could be prepared with human blood, that would be very regrettable indeed. Successfully baking matzo with human blood wouldn't prove, of course, that any Jews anywhere at any time in history had ever actually made matzo with human blood—save, of course, one hypothetical Jewish phlebotomist and one hypothetical Jewish cook—only that it was possible to make matzo using human blood. Which is very different. If any of this had happened, and if a videotape was made of it, and if blood matzo was still sitting on a shelf in Mr. Savage's kitchen, and if a food processor and a cookie sheet and a rolling pin all had to be discarded after this happened, that would all be very, very regrettable. Luckily, however, none of this happened.

In the May 10 issue of The Stranger, music editor Jonathan Zwickel gave Wilco's Sky Blue Sky two and a half stars out of a possible four. The album deserved three stars. He regrets the error.

Venus Velázquez regrets that second gin and tonic.

In the December 13 issue of The Stranger, Andrew Wright wrote that the apartheid movie Goodbye Bafana is 140 minutes long. In fact, it's 118 minutes. In fairness to Mr. Wright, time seems to elongate when one is watching a film that's "dull as dirt and preachy as hell"; nevertheless, The Stranger regrets the error.

Theater editor Brendan Kiley regrets that Evi Quaid, wife of actor Randy Quaid, sent him dirty photographs of herself on October 8, while the musical Lone Star Love, which starred her husband, was tanking at the 5th Avenue Theatre, because it just seemed so sad.

206Proof regrets riling up and thereby encouraging Seaclipse.

Seaclipse regrets his sideburns.

Stranger Election Control Board members Dan Savage, Tim Keck, Ari Spool, Eli Sanders, and Annie Wagner (a clear supermajority) regret and frankly don't understand how Stranger Election Control Board members Josh Feit, Erica C. Barnett, and Jonah Spangenthal-Lee (a clear minority) got their way on Proposition 1.

At The Stranger's Ballot Box event, Jonah Spangenthal-Lee happily spent 45 minutes listening to Sally Soriano's cute campaign organizer blather on about how The Stranger should have endorsed Soriano. At the end of the lecture, the young woman mentioned that she was into other women. Mr. Spangenthal-Lee regrets the error.

The various writers of 2007's I, Anonymous column regret being stalked by a psycho ex, lusting after their boyfriend's best friend, not dumping their pussy-whipped boyfriend who doesn't fuck properly, befriending a shameless relationship vulture, not kicking the ass of their wife-beating next-door neighbor, not reporting a stalking incident that could have saved the life of Rebecca Griego, letting their psychotic ex-girlfriends punch them in the face, being referred to as "the diarrhea whore of Kenmore" in bathroom graffiti, getting herpes from a lying scumbag, babying their stupid boyfriend with his stupid foreskin issues, surreptitiously shaving off their roommate's dreadlocks, stalking their ex-wives, signing that lease with an asshole landlord, being friends with whiny militant vegans and even whinier straight-edgers, not killing the judge who gave the Easter Bunny a 5 during The Stranger Gong Show, being hit on by a sad and lonely former homecoming queen at their high-school reunion, being forced to watch countless untalented middle-school and high-school marching bands and urban girls' drill teams at every one of Seattle's holiday parades, and going down on ugly-ass twat.

Space regrets the emptiness of space.

Theater editor Brendan Kiley does not regret the mustache he grew from August 27 to October 11 in a fundraiser to benefit a local nonprofit. Kiley does regret that editorial director Dan Savage initiated all conversations with Kiley during those six weeks with: "That mustache is so ugly."

Jen Graves regrets the time period she is living in, because she would like to be invited to a party where Bernini and Borromini get into a fight.

Bradley Steinbacher, managing editor of The Stranger, regrets the inability of The Stranger editorial staff to consistently hit their deadlines. Mr. Steinbacher also regrets that no one in editorial outside of him has to meet with The Stranger's production department on a weekly basis, during which time Mr. Steinbacher is routinely met with a barrage of complaints about the aforementioned missed deadlines.

Josh Feit continues to regret breaking up with Andrea Kao to go with Sharon Lean in the 11th grade.

Stranger associate editor Charles Mudede regrets writing a positive review of the movie Bratz. Nothing in his head can explain why he did this.

Erica C. Barnett, the senior news writer at The Stranger, regrets leaving an already slightly moldy bag of pita bread in her desk before she left on a month-long vacation.

You'd think that Megan Seling would regret some of the very personal stuff she wrote about in "The Long Winter," an essay about wintertime depression that appeared in the November 22 issue of The Stranger, but she really doesn't. If anything, she regrets not writing it sooner.

David Schmader, an associate editor of The Stranger, continues to regret missing the performance given by the New York Dolls at El Corazón in November 2006. Not only did his love for the Dolls' tour-engendering and stunningly nonsucky 2006 record, One Day It Will Please Us to Remember Even This, continue to deepen after the date had passed, Mr. Schmader eventually learned that the show was attended by Mary Kay Letourneau and Vili Fualaau, making it the single greatest event in the history of the Northwest, and possibly the world.

Brendan Kiley, who edits Strangercrombie, The Stranger's holiday gift auction, regrets he didn't think to offer a "pepper-spray a Stranger writer of your choice" package like his counterpart at the Portland Mercury did.

Dan Savage, editorial director of The Stranger, regrets coming up with the idea of a "group blog." When Mr. Savage presented the idea for Slog, which was modeled after National Review Online's The Corner, to the editorial staff of The Stranger, Mr. Savage assured editorial staffers that blogging would not add much weight to the their already considerable work load. "It'll be a place where you can think out loud," Mr. Savage said, "and post the 'look at this' e-mails we're already sending around to each other, and link to interesting articles in other publications. It won't eat our lives." Lies, lies, lies.

Seattle regrets that half of the Wu-Tang Clan couldn't be bothered to show up at Bumbershoot.

The Stranger Election Control Board regrets that Judy Fenton, who ran against Sally Clark on an anti-lesbians-and-nude-statues campaign, did not come in for an endorsement interview.

Jen Graves, The Stranger's visual art editor, regrets that she was so judgmental about Matthew Kangas on Slog, because it caused Slog to become a referendum on her ethics rather than Kangas's, and that meant that her comments were not only ethically questionable but stupid. But she does not regret the resulting March 8 story about Kangas.

Bradley Steinbacher, managing editor of The Stranger, regrets choosing New England Patriots running back Laurence Maroney, Denver Broncos running back Travis Henry, and San Diego Chargers quarterback Philip Rivers as his first, second, and third picks in this year's fantasy football draft. Because of this error, he came in last place in his league.

Seattle Art Museum should regret the way it installed Mark di Suvero's sculpture Bunyon's Chess in the Olympic Sculpture Park, because the museum made the brawny sculpture look like a distant miniature. Jen Graves, the visual art editor at The Stranger, regrets that the museum apparently does not regret this, because if it did, the museum probably would have moved the sculpture to a proper location already.

The formerly gay former nightclub Sugar (RIP) regrets not naming itself Fagbar, as originally proposed by Slog readers, which would have effectively repelled the kind of riffraff who tote firearms and get clubs closed.

On September 11, Stranger reporter Jonah Spangenthal-Lee publicly mocked a press release from Mayor Nickels's office that touted Nickels's recent colonoscopy and clean bill of health. Mr. Spangenthal-Lee regrets making fun of the mayor's colon, but afterward the mayor's office finally returned one of his phone calls, for the first and last time.

Copy editor Gillian Anderson regrets watching that internet-controlled-sex-machine video at HUMP! She doesn't regret working as an usher at HUMP!, however, because it was fun and she met a cool tranny.

Dan Savage, editorial director of The Stranger, regrets his massive carbon footprint, which grows every time Mr. Savage steps on an airplane, which he does frequently, but Mr. Savage points out that the carbon footprint of Megan Seling, a staff writer at The Stranger, is now larger than his own. After her thoughts on cookies and suicide were published in the November 22 issue of The Stranger, dozens and dozens of depressives wrote to tell Seling that her piece had convinced them not to commit suicide. Ms. Seling is now responsible for all the fossil fuels these people will consume, and the greenhouse gases they will generate, for the rest of their lives.

Jen Graves, The Stranger's visual art editor, does not regret one minute she spent driving and riding to Whidbey Island to interview abstract painter Mary Henry, who was lovely, even when asked morbid questions.

Seahawks quarterback Matt Hasselbeck regrets that his name isn't Matt Hasselhoff. That would be totally awesome. Matt Hasselbeck also regrets Elizabeth Hasselbeck.

Artist Claude Zervas, a good and earnest liberal, regrets that Dan Savage led Zervas into becoming Republican precinct committee officer for his Central District neighborhood, because Zervas didn't know what to do as precinct committee officer, and Savage didn't tell him, and the Republican Party was not rent from within as it should have been according to plan.

Erica C. Barnett, the senior news writer at The Stranger, regrets eating that deep-fried, cheese-stuffed, bacon-wrapped hot dog.

Slog, The Stranger's blog, regrets all of the bleeding eyes and throwing up a little bit in people's mouths caused by Slog's close attention to Chris Crocker, Official Internet Freakshow of 2007. Slog especially regrets linking to that video in which Crocker shows off his junk. Really. That was uncalled for. Sorry.

Barack H. Obama regrets that anyone in dumbass, xenophobic America ever found out what that H actually stands for. But he doesn't regret doing those lines of coke and smoking those joints when he was younger. That shit was good.

Theater editor Brendan Kiley regrets the second sentence in his story about standup comedy ("Don't Fuck Up"), which ran in the January 25 issue of The Stranger: "It was the height of the standup comedy boom in America, and clubs everywhere were hopping." Clubs do not hop.

In his December 13 column, Stranger news editor Josh Feit reported that Democratic state representative Roger Goodman (D-45) is from Redmond. Goodman is from Kirkland. We regret the error, although they're the same fucking place.

The Stranger's Last Days columnist David Schmader reported on Sunday, August 12: "Nothing happened today." Actually, a number of things happened on that day, including the cancer-related death of game-show genius/closeted homosexual Merv Griffin. We regret the error.

Moe Bar regrets inventing roast beef—infused vodka.

Neighborhoods reporter Jonah Spangenthal-Lee regrets that his beat is often referred to around the office as "crazy people yelling." Further, Mr. Spangenthal-Lee regrets that the name is, unfortunately, very apt.

The Paramount Theatre regrets that its sound is awful.

In the March 22 installment of Theater News, Brendan Kiley wrote what he thought was a playful and benign column about Faye the Tattooed Psychic. Unfortunately, Kiley misheard the part of Faye's introductory speech where she talked about her past—he thought she said she was a recovering alcoholic. For the record: Faye the Tattooed Psychic is not a recovering alcoholic. His misunderstanding made it into print and, understandably, inspired a vitriolic letter from the Tattooed Psychic, which included the following curse (sic throughout): "There is a saying in gypsy blood you may understand... what goes around comes around—and you my friend just opened a door to shit you may one day look back on and say 'oh shit that fat tattooed psychic lady was right... my life is fucked!' Curses suck! Now I must punish you Brendan... in the name of all women who are large in stature and tattooed! (and talk to the dead). When I see him out and about I am going to Lick his face and curse him with the spit from 7 generations back." Mr. Kiley regrets the error and hopes the Tattooed Psychic will call off whatever demons, hoodoo, or malevolence she aimed at him back in March.

The Stranger regrets Latvia.

Jen Graves, The Stranger's visual art editor, regrets that Western Bridge ever put up Anthony McCall's amazing Doubling Back, because now Western Bridge has taken it away again, causing Ms. Graves to question whether it really is better to have loved and lost than ever to have loved at all.

Seahawks announcer Steve Raible always calls Matt Hasselbeck "Matthew" during games like he's his mother. It's weird. Mr. Raible regrets the error.

Dustin Diamond's sex tape regrets ever being seen by anyone.

Erica C. Barnett regrets the 186 minutes she wasted watching the terrible straight-to-DVD docudrama Hitler: The Rise of Evil.

Josh Feit regrets that working at The Stranger does not get him dates with the paper's cover models (see Vol. 16, No. 22; Vol. 16, No. 32; Vol. 17, No. 13).

The Olympic Sculpture Park regrets that all of its empty spaces are (1) sloping, and (2) roped off from regular people just the way the sculpture park was not supposed to be.

Seattle Art Museum still regrets the marketing campaign "I AM SAM," for obvious reasons involving Sean Penn.

Bradley Steinbacher, managing editor of The Stranger, regrets his tepid review of the film Knocked Up in the May 31 issue. Upon a second viewing, the film was far more hilarious than Mr. Steinbacher's review acknowledged.

Jen Graves deeply regrets that she did not get Patrick pregnant.

Brendan Kiley, The Stranger's theater editor, can't decide whether he regrets jumping out the window of his third-story apartment on the night of May 30.

The Stranger regrets how self-referential The Stranger can be. We also regret how self-referential it is to regret being self-referential, especially in a self-referential issue like Regrets.

Public editor A. Birch Steen regrets the 1/4, 1/11, 1/18, 1/25, 2/1, 2/8, 2/15, 2/22, 3/1, 3/8, 3/15, 3/22, 3/29, 4/5, 4/12, 4/19, 4/26, 5/3, 5/10, 5/17, 5/24, 5/31, 6/7, 6/14, 6/21, 6/28, 7/5, 7/12, 7/19, 7/26, 8/2, 8/9, 8/16, 8/23, 8/30, 9/6, 9/13, 9/20, 9/27, 10/4, 10/11, 10/18, 10/25, 11/1, 11/8, and 11/15 issues of The Stranger. He does not regret issues 11/22, 11/29, 12/6, 12/13, or 12/20 because he was in retirement during that time, and was not reading The Stranger, which he heartily recommends. recommended