ON SATURDAY, MAY 1, CONSERVATIVE CHRISTIANS FROM around the country will descend on Cavalry Fellowship in Mountlake Terrace for "Love Won Out," a dynamic one-day conference aimed at addressing, understanding, and preventing homosexuality. The highlight of the conference is a series of lectures by a half dozen real-life ex-gays, including Newsweek cover-boy John "Candi" Paulk.

In an effort to make our ex-gay guests feel welcome, The Stranger has assembled this guide, which covers all our fair city has to offer the men and women of the ex-gay community.


DINING

Seattle's world-renowned cuisine is sure to please the most discriminating Christian palate. Whether you're a Seventh Day Adventist, a Mormon fundamentalist, or just a plain ol' Baptist, you'll want to sample all our Northwest chefs have to offer. Many area restaurants are offering special discounts to ex-gays and ex-lesbians this weekend--just ask!

KENTUCKY FRIED CHICKEN--1001 E Pine St, 325-3450. Go for the deep-fat-fried chicken America loves... stay for the Colonel's new Popcorn Shrimp. You can find KFCs all over town, but the Pine Street location is in the heart of Seattle's ex-gay community.

POPEYE'S FRIED CHICKEN--34960 Enchanted Parkway S, Federal Way, 253-874-9740. Don't let Popeye's pro-gay propaganda ("I yam what I yam!") stop you from enjoying some of the best fried chicken in Federal Way.

EZELL'S FRIED CHICKEN-- 501 23rd Ave E, 324-4141. Oprah loves Ezell's--and if you've seen Oprah lately, it looks like Ezell's loves Oprah right back! Ezell's fried chicken is high in saturated fat, but so what? The bigger you are, the more of you there is to praise the Lord!


LODGING

BEST WESTERN EXECUTIVE INN--200 Taylor Ave N, 448-9444. Located in the heart of Seattle's thriving downtown, the Best Western is close to shops, straight nightlife, Seattle's beloved Pike Place Market, and numerous fried-chicken franchises.

GASLIGHT INN--Capitol Hill B&B, 1727 15th Ave E, 325-3654. Featuring private baths, free continental breakfast, and a sun deck, the Gaslight also provides ex-gays with an opportunity to witness! Many gays and lesbians stay at the Gaslight; over breakfast you can share your tale of redemption, and maybe even lead a sexual struggler to Christ.

CLUB SEATTLE-- 1520 Summit, 329-2334. On a tight budget? Secure in your new heterosexual identity? Club Seattle's private rooms are nothing fancy--most come without ceilings, and none have private bathrooms (though towels are provided). But at $20 per night, Club Seattle is a real value for the budget-conscious traveler. Affirm your victory over the gay lifestyle by spending a chaste night surrounded by men with neither clothing nor shame.


SIGHTSEEING

VOLUNTEER PARK-- 15th Ave E at Galer.You're in luck! Seattle is home to many flowering shrubs, and the rhododendrons are in bloom in Volunteer Park! Several outstanding examples of these beautiful plants can be found along the western edge of the park, and the view from inside the bushes is especially gorgeous this time of year.

WASHINGTON ARBORETUM--Lake Washington Blvd, between E Madison St & SR 520
.Still more flowering shrubs. Mute guides will beckon you toward those special parts of the arboretum, off the beaten path.

BATHROOMS IN THE UNIVERSITY OF WASHINGTON LIBRARY-- UW campus, NE 45th St & 15th Ave NE.Experience the finest in waste management technology with other young men who appreciate the same.

REST STOP--I-5, at mile marker N 166.More beautiful foliage, clean bathrooms, and lots of privacy.


WITNESSING

All over Seattle, men and women are struggling with their homosexuality--men and women YOU could save. Avowed homosexuals congregate on Seattle's Capitol Hill, and in the places listed below you'll find men and women hungry for the message of Christ's love.

PINK ZONE--211 Broadway E, 325-0050. A store catering to gays and lesbians, the Pink Zone sells everything from Tinky Winky dolls to rainbow toilet seats. Attracts many young people just forming homosexual identities--young people you could save.

BROADWAY MARKET--Broadway, between Republican & Thomas
. A whole mall catering to the gay lifestyle, with a Gap, a hair salon, and a liquor store.

WILD ROSE--1021 E Pike St, 324-9210. A lesbian bar where many of the women are anxious to hear your story, especially the large women with crew cuts playing pool. They really, really love to hear stories about Jesus, and won't mind being interrupted.

JERSEYS ALL AMERICAN SPORTS BAR--700 Virginia St, 343-9377. At first glance, Jerseys may look like your average urban sports bar. Do not be fooled! Most of the men in Jerseys are gay, even the ones who appear to be "with" women, and you should be especially aggressive about witnessing at Jerseys. Approach any clump of men, and say, "You're not fooling anyone. I can tell you're all homosexuals." Then, when the ice is broken, you can tell these sexual strugglers all about Jesus.


GENDER ROLE-MODELING
The price of entrance into the Kingdom of Heaven is eternal vigilance. If witnessing at the Pink Zone, admiring the shrubbery in Volunteer Park, and getting a good night's sleep at Club Seattle aroused any troubling homoerotic desires, there are plenty of places you can go for a dose of good, straight, gender role-modeling.

Ex-Gay Men Can Affirm their Masculinity at:

BELLEVUE INDOOR SHOOTING RANGE--13570 Bel-Red Rd, Bellevue, 425-649-5995
. Why not blow someone while you're in town? No, not that kind of blow! We mean blow someone away! At the Bellevue Indoor Shooting Range, you can spend the afternoon blowing away every same-sex desire you've ever had. Just picture your first 500 boyfriends on that target, squeeze your finger, and... release!

HOOTERS--901 Fairview Ave N, 625-0555. Women in tight T-shirts serve food to men in tight trousers! Fornication is a sin, but Jesus wants you to lust after women. Until you meet that special someone, Hooters is a good place to practice getting an erection with a woman in the room.

BASIC PLUMBING--1505 10th Ave E. Basic Plumbing is one of Seattle's oldest and most interesting hardware stores. An hour spent wandering the aisles at Basic Plumbing is an hour spent walking with the Lord. There's nothing more masculine than the feel of a tool in your hand, and some of Seattle's biggest and best are on display at Basic Plumbing.

Ex-Gay Women Can Indulge their Femininity at:

GENE JUAREZ SALON/SPA-- 607 Pine St, 326-6000. Nothing makes a girl feel more feminine than a brand new hairdo! At Gene Juarez Salon, trained professionals will trim, frost, and perm your man-hating hair into something softer and more appealing. Most hair stylists are gay--which offers you an opportunity to witness during your appointment. Not only will you get a new look... you could lead someone to the Lord!

LUSTY LADY--1315 First Ave, 622-2120. While your ex-gay boyfriends are at Club Seattle proving they're no longer attracted to the gay lifestyle, you can prove you're no longer attracted to women's reproductive organs at the Lusty Lady, Seattle's world-famous strip club.

VICTORIA'S SECRET--Pacific Place Mall, 600 Pine St, 749-9518. Nothing makes an ex-lesbian feel more like a desirable straight lady than a lacy thong pulled tight between her ass cheeks.

AESTHETIC PLASTIC SURGERY CENTER--1414 116th Ave NE, Bellevue, 425-451-3333. Just between us girls... when you're ready to marry a man and make some babies, what kind of man do you want? An ex-gay you're always afraid will backslide into the homosexual lifestyle? Or a real man? Time to bring out the big guns! Get boobs no real man can resist, at the Aesthetic Plastic Surgery Center. Real straight guys like 'em big, and they don't ask any questions about how they got that way. Plus, breasts make a terrific souvenir.

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