Barack Obama has done three. So has Rick Larsen, the ballsy Democratic congressman from Washington's 2nd District. Democratic congressman Jay Inslee has two coming up. Seattle lefty lion Jim McDermott has one. But in this summer of mayhem at health-care town-hall meetings, a number of nervous politicians in this state, from both parties, are dodging the format. Why, exactly? What is there to be afraid of? They don't want to say—they're politicians—but here are a few educated guesses.

Senator Maria Cantwell

Town halls held: Zero.

Town halls scheduled: Zero.

Probably thinking: Fuuuuck. I claw my goddamn way onto the Senate Finance Committee, thinking it's going to look great to the people back home—plus maybe shut up all the morons who claim I'm a do-nothing senator—and then it turns out my committee's being led by an actual do-nothing senator, Max Fucking Corrupt as Fuck Baucus, at the very moment when everyone in Washington State wants me and my committee to do something. Well, not my fault, people. So I'm just not gonna say shit. For the entire month of August. Stand up at a town-hall meeting and defend this bullshit committee I'm stuck on? Are you out of your fucking mind? Try to make me. I dare you.

Should be: Holding a fucking town-hall meeting, explaining how she squares her support for the public option with Baucus's plan to kill it, standing up to Baucus and publicly talking about his insurance-industry contributions, and calming down her increasingly angry constituents.

Representative Brian Baird

Town halls canceled: All of them. He declared them too crazy to touch, likening teabaggers to a "lynch mob" full of "brownshirts." Then, apparently worried he looked like a coward, Baird reversed himself.

Town halls now scheduled: Five. (Translation: Sorry, lynch mob, you seem nicer now. Please see my website for sincere expression of regret.)

Probably thinking: Okay, so I said I regret the brownshirt stuff. But I said what everyone with a brain is thinking, which is that these teabag douchebags are out of their fucking minds. Really. They seem to want to be misled, to want to be absolutely batshit confused, yelling that nonsense about how the government needs to get out of their Medicare. (The government already runs Medicare, you fucking dipshits!) Really, these people just want to give a black eye to our black president, and if you think I'm going to stand between him and that kind of knuckle-dragging mob, you're crazy. Unless the media calls me a coward. If that happens, then fuck you. It's on.

Should be: Taking notes on how McDermott and Inslee played this. While Baird huffed and puffed and flip-flopped, McDermott and Inslee waited out the worst of the protests, did telephone town halls so they could say they were communicating with the public, and then, finally, scheduled a couple live town halls. No muss. No fuss. No bad press.

Senator Patty Murray

Town halls held: Zero.

Town halls scheduled: Zero.

Probably thinking: Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit. I mean, I'm the motherfucking Mom in Tennis Shoes. Everyone loves me. No one's going to get in my face with some crazy Kenyan-birth-certificate nonsense, right? That's not the Washington I know! No one's going to call me a Nazi-enabling socialist health-care communist, right? Wrong! Because, um, I'm SITTING ON THE SENATE HELP COMMITTEE—you know, the one committee in the Senate that actually passed a plan with a goddamn public option and all the other good stuff the left wants. I saw what happened to Arlen Specter. I saw the YouTubes. My aides say it could happen to me. Can't risk it. I'm popular. See you in the "small group meetings," freaks. Teabaggers welcome. If you can get past the union bouncer.

Should be: Holding at least one open-to-the-public event. Come on, Patty. You've got nothing but triumph to talk about. Talk about it!

Representative Dave Reichert

Town halls held: Zero.

Town halls scheduled: Zero.

Probably thinking: Look, (a) I don't understand this shit, and (b) I don't give a shit, so (c) what the fuck? You want me to hold a public meeting? Please. As this nice strategist guy just explained to me, it's what you call a lose-lose. If I go out into some public hall and talk about how I don't like Obamacare, all the Obama-mamas in my swing district are going to go apeshit. Don't ask me to tell you why, but the 8th District voted for me and him in 2008. The minute I open my mouth about how I'm going to vote against his health-care reform, that shit is going to be caught on some tiny video camera hidden under the jacket of some sweaty Democratic operative. Then it's an attack commercial in 2010. Nope. I'm saying as little as possible. No one really pays attention anyway. Hopefully the Democrats will be so pissed at their own for compromising that they won't have time for me. And no matter what I do, the Republican sheep will love me—because we're Republicans. We like the way things are. And if the pharmaceutical executives I golf with tell me things are just great, they must be!

Should be: Ashamed.