Malcolm Smith

To Greek or not to Greek?

It's the most important date rape–related decision you can make. Rushing into the Greek system is a heavy commitment, akin to leasing rent-to-own furniture, but one that affords worthy pledges a chance to fully and instantly chuck any shreds of individuality, meet snotty white bitches, drink oneself into a coma, and experience the joys of the circle jerk in ways that he or she might not have possibly done otherwise—barring military service, the scouts, the church, and the GOP.

Tragically, I failed to pledge during my own college adventure. I shall regret parts of that decision forever. (The bare-assed group spankings and "Sorry, man! I didn't know anybody was using this underwear!" parts, respectively.) Please, child! Do not make my mistake!

But before pledging to any "frat" or "soror" or whatever, you must arm yourself with knowledge! You must do your research! You must learn a little something about the pledges that, gaylike, want to recruit you.

But you are busy! You are learning! Learning so much! You do not have time to research this and that! Rest easy, young person. I have done your research for you. All you need to know about Seattle's finest Greeks is below.

The Brotherhoods

The long and noble history of "fraternity" (used here in its most collegiate and nounish sense) goes all the way back to my freshman year, when I accidentally stumbled upon a big white house emblazoned with big Greek letters whose lawn was crawling with big flawless white studs, all shirtless, swaggering, and sweating, sweating, sweating in the golden September sun. (To commemorate the event, my penis blew up.) Today, there are over 14 billion so-called "active" frats on the UW campus alone. Most of these are secretly Jewish or gay. The ones that matter follow.

Sigma Phi Epsilon (SigEp)

4637 21st Ave NE, 388-7915

"SigEp" is the largest fraternity in the nation, and their motto is "We've set the bar low." SigEp's history is a proud and long one: It was founded at Richmond College on November 1, 1901, and you know what that means—IT'S YOUR LUCKY MONTH, Scorpio! Money, love, and travel are in the air. But don't let it go to your head! The pessimist borrows trouble; the optimist lends encouragement. Lucky numbers are 7 and 13.

Phi Kappa Sigma

4711 17th Ave NE, 527-6260

If Google Images can be trusted, Phi Kappa Sigmas enjoy being shirtless and flipping off the camera. There is a fundamental notion in their mission statement about "balance," but I don't know what they're talking about. Ballet, maybe. Fags. Their house has a heated pool and sauna. You'll never. Wear clothes. Again. The same case of ringworm has been going around and around this frat since 1971.

Phi Gamma Delta (Fijis)

4503 17th Ave NE, 527-8620

The Fijis exist to "promote lifelong friendships, reaffirm high ethical standards, and foster personal development," and this is as good a time to tell you about Jake, I guess. Now, I'm not saying Jake was a Fiji, but he'd spice up his boring frat days with a popular house game called "gookie cookie." A confection item was produced, a cookie or Twinkie or something, and Jake and all his jolly frat-boy bros would circle their wagons yank their yangs, and splooge upon the poor defenseless confection. Whoever splooged last ate it. Jake never did clarify if the gookie cookie eater was considered the winner or the loser, but he wasn't a Fiji anyway, so what difference does it make?

Tau Kappa Epsilon (Tekes)

4520 21st Ave NE, tkeuw.com

Tau Kappa Epsilon provides its members "with a chance to grow and take full advantage of their college experience," by which they mean they will kill you. The frat has been long suspended on the national level for allegedly hazing people to death and other drunken criminal shenanigans, but they thrive unchecked despite the lack of recognition from the dreaded Interfraternity Council. This frat has the hottest guys, hands down, definitely, period, please fuck me. But me, I like the danger. Are you a survivor? Party...Party...PARTY!!!

Alpha Epsilon Pi (aka the Jewish frat)

4626 21st Ave NE, 525-0730

You call this a frat? On weekends, they rent Yentl, hold each other, and cry. And cheap! Oy! Just like my uncle Irving. You remember Irving.

The Gay Frat (Delta Lambda Phi)

Top-secret address, 375-0934

What's Greek got to do with it? If you have to ask, they aren't hazing you hard enough. Jesus hates this frat. SO. MUCH. Guuuuuuurl.

Alpha Kappa Psi

(Mercenaries for Mary)

900 Broadway, students.seattleu.edu/clubs/akpsi

Secret knock: Tap, tap, pause... tap, tap, tap.

Password: Loaves.

This is a professional business fraternity, and the only frat featured here from Seattle University. This is because Seattle U only has sad, boring frats like this one. And this is because Seattle U is all neurotic Catholics, and believe me, those brainwashed bitches just can't party. Which is terrific, because they breed like fruit flies. Bingo!

The Sisterhoods

The word "sisterhood" evokes images of strong, empowered women of color. This is just fucking wrong. Sisterhoods are just like brotherhoods, but with cunts. Also, females. Here are some nice ones, I guess.

Alpha Gamma Delta (AGDs)

I'm not telling you the address, 527-2351

Founded in 1904, Alpha Gamma Delta is an international sorority "dedicated to academic excellence, leadership, and high ideals." The requirements for pledges are strict. You must weigh less than a bowl of tic tacs and be no darker than a grocery bag. That's it. It's all in the charter. Look it up.

Alpha Kappa Delta Phi (KDs)

uwakdphi.com

This is an all-Asian sorority, which is to say, Secret. Money. Oh, hell, they'll tell you they're broke. Don't buy it.

Pi Beta Phi (Pi Phis)

4548 17th Ave NE, 523-5415

Nice girls. Good hearts.

Sigma Kappa (Don't ask)

4510 22nd Ave NE, 527-3125

These ugly bitches have the worst eating disorders. My friend Lisa told me. They call the UW chapter the "MU" chapter. The "MU" CHAPTER! Well, THAT just goes to show you.

The ZTAs and AZDs

For contact, follow your nose.

Not a gag reflex among them. Oddly, they're all lesbians.

Gamma Phi Beta

4529 17th Ave NE, 526-7330

These lovely darlings are all pretty, pretty virgins who will someday go to heaven on flying white horses. The end. recommended