I was in high school and falling in love with my first girlfriend. I worked on her zine. I wrote her bad poetry. And I really wanted to get in her pants. But I feared that once I got there, I wouldn't know what to do. Motivated by my anxiety, I put the same focus on sex that I did on my academic pursuits. I memorized The New Good Vibrations Guide to Sex. I studied erotic fiction. I was a new, and very serious and studious, fucker. But I was determined to be a good fucker.

Of course we messed around in Katherine's bed. My girlfriend quickly tired of tit-play and decided to go for it. I was holding the beautifully carved, antique wooden headboard, focusing on the bed's excellent craftsmanship in an effort to prevent myself from getting freaked out. She started to work on my cunt with her mouth, and I was surprised. It was pretty awesome--and we were okay. The sky did not fall. A few nights later I went down on her. She was equally excited, nervous, and receptive. My homework paid off.

Dykes are known for "carpet munching" like fags are known for butt sex and blowjobs. However, in my experience dyke sex hasn't always included muff diving. I've always thought of it as an optional, not required, queer sex activity. A lot of people learn to eat pussy watching porn, but I've found that depictions of "lesbian sex" in straight and even most lesbian porn is off the mark. Why is eating pussy in straight porn such a delicate science? Cocks never receive such hesitant and half-assed attention. Eating pussy is--or should be--a lot like kissing, and you don't kiss your partner with just the tip of your tongue. You kiss with your lips, tongue, teeth, and nose. Maybe you rest your hand on the back of her head to draw her close. You use your whole fucking face and hers too. The same goes for eating pussy. Find her clit. Suck, lick, eat, nibble, and breathe. Throw a finger or two or five in the mix. Figure out where her G-spot is. Squeeze her sweet ass. Come up for a break and kiss or work on those breasts. Ask her how she's doing. It's not rocket science, it's sex.

Honestly, I'm most excited when a partner can figure out my clit and cunt with her mouth and her hands--and I'm constantly cruising girls' hands. Out at rock shows, holding beers, fixing bikes, pulling shots, writing essays, fucking other girls. Whatever. Susie Bright was right when she suggested that dykes cruise hands like fags check out dicks. I've always worn my nails short and smooth. I'm proud of my strong and sexy hands, and I'm very aware of them.

Dykes are also known for strap-ons. Supposedly we take to them like bears to honey. But it took me a few years before I felt comfortable buying books or lube and a vibrator for myself, let alone buying a dick or a harness--or having the courage to use it. I'm excited about all kinds of sex, but not all dykes own or use strap-ons or toys, or dig fisting or getting fucked up the ass. I've dated all kinds of girls and have had many girlfriends who enjoy all, none, or some of those activities, topping or bottoming. Everyone has different feelings about what should go on with her cunt or butt. In college I felt tremendous pressure to explore these activities. I wish I could have told myself that feeling comfortable with one's body and experimenting with sex takes time, and that it's totally normal. My biggest role models in learning to feel more comfortable with different kinds of sex were gay men. My sexual aesthetics were also highly impacted by an intimate admiration for gay male culture and imagery. Tom of Finland's work has had a huge impact on my life. I'd rather watch gay male porn than any other genre of porn. I love old issues of Drummer and Honcho. Clearly, aesthetics are the biggest turn-on for me. Studying fags has made me more comfortable with my body and a better dyke.

If I could go back in time and do everything over again, I'd try to relax more. I'd be less nervous and serious. I'd spend more time being confident and talking dirty. I'd get over my initial anxiety surrounding pussy. And I'd tell Katherine exactly what we did in her bed, because that night we fucking rocked.