I'VE BEEN THINKING a lot about this whole "end of the world" thing, because everybody's all, "Blah, blah, blah I hope I don't burn in Hell," "Blah, blah, blah why did I waste all that time studying for the SATs?" and "Blah, blah, blah is it PCI or digital up there?" I'm not worried about what's gonna happen once I get where I'm going, because I know I'm going to ascend. I mean, why wouldn't I? I've asked Jesus to be my Savior and stuff, and besides, when I gave that old lady the Heimlich in McDonald's that time? I didn't freak out when her gross dentures flew out of her mouth and into my shake.
What I am worried about is how I'm going to spend my last day on earth, because, see, I have this boyfriend? And I really love him a lot? But I'm not so sure I want to spend all of eternity with him, because what if Heaven's gonna be one huge, gigantic PARTAY? What if it's a humongous dating pool full of the coolest and smartest and nicest boys and well all right, I'll just say it: I don't want my boyfriend up there mooning after me and getting all jealous when I'm trying to flirt with Tupac or River Phoenix. And HELLO? ROMEO's gonna be there, and I'm not missing out on that, because, as we learned in Mrs. Blaine's Shakespeare class, Juliet is shoveling coal in H-E-double-toothpicks with Kurt Cobain and Ian Curtis and all those other mopers who killed themselves. And as far as I'm concerned, she can just stay there all sweaty and grimy while I, cool and powdery, date her lovely former soulmate.
So my problem is, how do I make sure my boyfriend doesn't get called up -- without jeopardizing my own virtuous standing? I mean, Jesus won't mind if I'm trying to make the best of a fortuitous situation, because He and I both know I deserve to be up there. He'll be all "Blah, blah, blah thank you for asking me to be your Savior," "Blah, blah I hope you find everything to your liking in your new eternal home Hey! Cool shoes!" -- but, see? He's not going to be totally psyched if I cause another soul to throw away a lifetime of Godly devotion just so I can have a swank time post-Rapture. "The end has to justify the means" y'know and all that stuff we talked about in Ethics class.
On my last day, do I tell Boyfriend that I think all the cool people are gonna be left back, therefore we should bomb Nordstrom or Old Navy or something so we can be together? And then at the last minute, while he's lighting the fuse, take it all back and weep in remorse for my sins and ask for God's forgiveness? That just seems so stinky, and I just know I'll be haunted for all eternity by the look on Boyfriend's face as I ascend and he stays firmly rooted to the crumbling ground, crying "Why, Jessica, why? Boo-hoo-hoo, blah, blah, blah." So any kind of dirty trick is out. Hey! But what if I ohhh, no that won't work either!
GREAT! I'm going to the Greatest Prom of the Universe, one that lasts FOREVER and has, like, so many cool people to dance with, and I'm stuck with the same old ordinary guy I hung out with in life! And all because I didn't want to be boyfriendless for the holidays. Winona Ryder will probably snag Romeo, and no, wait, I read in Seventeen that she's dating Matt Damon, so ha! She'll have to spend all eternity looking at his horsey face. Ooh! And maybe Ben Affleck will be there!! Oh, if only I could get rid of Boyfriend, then I could wait! If I dump him after I go through the pearly gates and while he's still in line he may get so mad he'll yell, "GODDAMMIT!" and then he'll get sent "down there" to burn for all eternity, and I'll be MRS. BEN AFFLECK! It's perfect! Thank you, Jesus. Take me NOW!
by Jessica Pennington