SIFF week three: My eyes are tired, my head is full of fantastic images, and my ass hurts--and that's just from partying! Who has time to sit in the dark with strangers when new friends are bellying up to the open bar?

That's where I met Marc and Marla, a delightful duo from a distribution company called Magic Lantern, currently promoting A Woman Is a Helluva Thing, starring Angus MacFadyen and Penelope Ann Miller. Marla confided to me that MacFadyen has gotten so fat that the filmmakers were begging him not to attend his own premiere! Well, some of us film fans love a big man, and if I happen upon the hefty MacFadyen, I plan on giving the Braveheart veteran a big ego boost!

Thursday found me at a reception sponsored by SIFF, Men's Journal, and Perry Ellis, where I was blinded by the phosphorescent gleam of all the bleached teeth crammed into the basement of the Bon Marché. Luckily, I had dragged along Hollywood insider Jamie McMurry, production manager of the enormous Pearl Harbor premiere, who kept me entertained by whispering, "Look, it's the guys from Miramax shoplifting!"

Perhaps the most terrifying moment occurred when Paul Fraser, the local director of the short film Chick Bloodhound, tugged at my sleeve and whimpered, "Two women walked out of my movie when they heard the line, 'Women are like dogs.'" (Confidential to Paul--leave the bad press to the professionals, honey. Try talking your work up instead.)

Saturday I took a much-needed rest from social alcoholism, but my well-placed moles report that the world premiere of Raquel Welch's new film, Tortilla Soup, held at Pacific Place, was a lovely affair. Miss Raquel travels with an entourage of 10 and demands that her accommodations have southern exposure, because she "puts her makeup on in the morning." Apparently this trick works wonders, because as she mingled with mortals at the private reception at Tia Lou's in Belltown, Welch looked every inch the international sensation and stunning star of One Million Years B.C.

Oh, don't you wish you were there?