I get a little embarrassed when I expose my soul in this column, as I did in my recent homage to Ales Kristancic and his winery, Movia. Maybe you thought: Who or what the fuck does this guy think he is, anyway? I don't have to, or want to, spend 40 to 60 bucks on a bottle of wine... I don't care if the winemaker is channeling the universe or whatever the fuck. Look, this column is called "Wine Not Wine" for a reason! Yes! I love that Movia shit! It really does move me... but I heard that some of you went into Pike and Western and were turned off by the expense... I understand, and I also STILL urge you to dig deep, blow a wad, pick some up, and blow your mind!

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But this week's column is for you—and me, too. Let's just get back to simple and summer and 90 degrees, because as I write this, that is exactly the temperature outside and I don't have air conditioning and I've got my own native yeast fermentation going on here.

Question: What do all the wines in the picture above—Pratsch grüner veltliner, Bandit pinot grigio, and Shenandoah Vineyards sauvignon blanc—have in common? Answer(s): They're all under 10 dollars a bottle, or average that, when you take volume into consideration; they're available throughout the land, from grocery stores to gas stations (well, maybe not the grüner); they're all relatively high in acid and aromatics; AND they all lend themselves to one of the greatest drinks to ever come out of a backyard with an aboveground pool in Roselle Park, New Jersey. And if you've got a problem with me picking on Jersey, choose another hot, humid summertime place where people really know how to live. I'm from Jersey, motherfucker! My mother drank these and she still does and she's almost 80 years old! Here's the recipe:

Roselle Park White Wine Spritzer

5 ounces white wine in a tall glass

1 ounce simple syrup (easy to make: one part sugar to one part water, heated until dissolved)

½ ounce lime juice

Ice to the top, finished with a splash of soda

Garnish with a lime wedge and Day-Glo straws; make sure for these ratios that you have at least a pint glass.

I just finished that one in the picture and I forgot there was wine in there! If you're drinking this in the sunshine, as you should be, just remember—yes!—it's just wine after all, and you should enjoy it and you don't need to channel the universe through your fucking hands to do that. No! recommended