Obviously, this means war--and The Stranger wants to mobilize the anarchists, lefties, innocent bystanders, and holiday shoppers who will gather--wittingly or not--to mark this important date in recent Seattle history. To this end, The Stranger gathered a crack team of urban vigalantes and devised a battle plan for what authorities creepily refer to as "N-30." Read carefully, fight bravely, and whatever you do, don't let this paper fall into the hands of the police.
Hey hey! Ho ho! Westlake Center is bound to blow!
DECOYSLeading la resistance will be a handful of roving decoys to distract and disperse the police line. These decoys should resemble targets who have formerly proven irresistable to the surly SPD (namely, black city council members and fleeing women).
FIRST LINE: SM FREAKSAmong the SPD's new weaponry are advanced tasers, electrical transmitter probes capable of piercing through two inches of clothing to lodge themselves in the skin of unruly protesters, where they deliver a 26-watt jolt that completely disables the central nervous system!
Lucky for all, a good number of Seattleites enjoy nothing more than electrical genital torture, and the front line of resistance will consist entirely of naked SM electro-freaks who will happily absorb the shocks for the greater good.
SECOND LINE: GAS HUFFERSStraight outta South Everett, these dedicated fume huffers will pounce on detonated tear gas canisters, sucking up the stinging fumes and clogging streets with their happily blacked-out bodies.
THIRD LINE: FIGHT FIRE WITH FIRE!Among the SPD's most fearful weapons are the slightly-less-than-lethal beanbag guns, which shoot painful pellet bags into the butts, backs, and guts of often peaceful protestors. This year, we will combat like with like using defensive lines of people holding beanbag chairs to deflect and absorb the violent beanbag bullets. You can purchase your very own protective beanbag item at Urban Outfitters, including a zebra-striped beanbag footstool, on sale for only $49.99! Fight fascism with fashion!
FOURTH LINE: ORANGE HUCKERSFace it: Nothing's more conspicuous than hauling around a big bag of bricks. So for this year's hucking needs, we recommend protesters arm themselves with delicious and inexpensive Satsuma oranges (69 cents per pound at your local grocer). Smash the state--and scurvy!
FIFTH LINE: VIOLENT ANARCHIST IDIOTSThe Stranger's crack dumpster-diving squad has retrieved a top-secret memo from the SPD, revealing the secret weapon of this year's protest control: puppets. If the memo is to be believed, every single puppet present at the anniversary gathering is nothing but a stinking pig in disguise. So, all you violent psychos who exploit political gatherings just so you can break shit--go for the puppets!
THE GOAL: THE CHILDREN'S CAROUSELExplicating his refusal to issue any protest permits for Westlake Center, Police Chief Gil Kerlikowske named the sacred downtown institution he was most loathe to have seized by Satsuma-hurling protesters: the Children's Carousel. Well, fuck Kerlikowske and his goddamn kiddie puke-mobile. Whose carousel? OUR CAROUSEL! See you there!!
