Just when you think our local politicians are nothing but a bunch of ineffectual, namby-pamby do-nothings... they surprise you by actually doing something! Thanks to excessive bitching and moaning from concerned I Love Television™ readers like yourself, our City Councilmembers have started sticking their Birkenstocks up the booty of TCI Cable. Longtime readers of this column know all too well the long list of crimes against humanity perpetrated by TCI, but it is always a pleasure to get our newbies up to speed. So here's a few atrocities, just to wet yer whistle.

1. TCI are a bunch of fawking liars. They first promised fiber-optic cable back in '93, and are still too busy snorting cocaine off the bellies of high-priced prostitutes to finish the job.

2. The Nazis have better customer service than TCI. If you complain, they'll ignore you. If you've been waiting for hours for your cable to be installed, you can bet they'll be sitting in their trucks eating Fritos and reading porno. If you ask for more variety, they'll give you another Home Shopping network and two new religious channels, and take away your VH-1. But there is something TCI has no trouble doing: cutting off the cable if your payment is more than five days late.

3. TCI's heart is darker than the bunghole of Satan. Though the fiber-optic cable TCI is allegedly installing can easily accommodate bunches of Internet service providers, they plan on carrying only one--theirs. And it is a well-documented fact that their Internet service is powered by a one-legged monkey with emphysema on a bicycle.

So, to nutshell it--TCI could be better. On the up side, the City Council is making plans to "encourage them," so to speak, with what they call "The Cable Viewer's Bill of Rights" (sounds soooo patriotic!). Here's how it would work: Let's say you call up TCI and they're acting normally (i.e., providing rude and unresponsive service). BANG! They owe YOU five bucks! Or say they promise to have you wired with fiber-optics by March (even though they've missed every deadline since Michael Jackson was popular). BANG! They owe you five bucks! Plus, they'll give you 50¢ extra each month until they DO get it finished--which, if you consider TCI's track record, could make us all dirty... stinking... RICH!!

Though I think this "Bill of Rights" is a pretty good first draft, it is naturally missing a few essential elements, because someone accidentally forgot to ask for my input. No matter, though! As a citizen of this great city with idiotic liquor laws, it is with great civic pleasure that I announce...

"Humpy's Cable Viewer's Bill of Rights!"

I. A Cable Viewer can restrict TCI's freedom of speech. Let's say TCI tells you your payment is late. You can say, "Oh, yeah? Shut UP!" and they have to shut up.

II. Cable Viewers have a right to bear arms against TCI. Service technicians over 30 minutes late can be shot in the groin.

III. Cable Viewers can order any channel à la carte! Viewers can choose as many channels as they want. So if all I wanna pay for are three channels (VH-1, KONG, and Spice!), then TCI can shove everything else--and especially the religious stations--up their stinky cracks!

IV. Whenever a Cable Viewer calls, TCI has to answer the phone with, "Hello, I'm sorry we acted like jackasses. May I offer you five dollars and a kiss on the baloney?"

We hold this truth to be self-evident.