So you've enrolled in a Seattle college—that was your first mistake. You'd be better served reading your Bible and practicing virtue instead of chasing after vain knowledge or, worse, a careerist hope for earthly riches. As 1 Corinthians 8:1 tells us, "knowledge puffeth up, but charity edifieth." The time you'd pass sleeping through class would be better spent cultivating humility by cleaning the soiled britches of career drunks and filth-encrusted drug addicts in Pioneer Square, the University District, and Capitol Hill. Since you are determined to pursue an "education," it is my unpleasant duty to warn you of the specific temptations at each godless institution. Forewarned is forearmed.

University of Washington
Founded: 1861
Enrollment: 28,362
Denomination: Godless
Key Temptations: Drunken horniness, horny drunkenness, murder by hazing
Inherent Evil (on a scale of 1 to 10): 9.5

Sprawling, godless, and proud, the University of Washington is the very picture of Babylon described in Revelation 18:3, where crass merchants "are waxed rich" by pillaging its once-sacred treasures—just as the UW has pimped out its research facilities to rapacious pharmaceutical and biotech industries.

With a well-known international studies program and foreign students swarming the quads, the university also recalls Jeremiah 51: "Babylon hath been a golden cup in the Lord's hand, that made all the earth drunken: the nations have drunken of her wine; therefore the nations are mad."

The UW, like her Biblical precursor, is doomed. If you must attend this unholy stain of a college, steer clear of the university's infernal Greek system, brimming over with violence, drunkenness, meat-headed idiocy, and the thinly veiled ritual homosexuality of hazing rites. The university dormitories are only slightly better, with their gluttonous all-you-can-eat cafeterias and proud, tall façades. Avert your eyes when co-eds stroll down the halls wearing nothing but loose towels and remember Matthew 5:28: to fornicate in the mind is as good as fornicating with the flesh. I will not speak of the corruption that haunts the Suzzallo basement men's room—but it's best to stay away.

Know this: There will be much wailing and gnashing of teeth when the Lord exercises His judgment on the University of Babylon.

Seattle University
Founded: 1891
Enrollment: 4,633
Denomination: Jesuit
Key Temptations: Righteous pride, situational homosexuality
Inherent Evil: 6

Catholics were an amusing irritation back when their worst follies were banning contraception (God punished Onan for disobedience, not general seed-spilling) and forbidding priestly sex. (Have they forgotten Proverbs 5: "Let thy fountain be blessed and rejoice with the wife of thy youth... let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love"?) But Vatican 2 was the end of true Catholicism, a corruption of the few virtues of the original church. Never mind that Seattle University's Jesuit professors have a reputation for parochial-school strictness, or that SU ranked #14 for sobriety in The Princeton Review—it holds hippie dippy "folk masses" that "celebrate community" with acoustic guitars. If you want to spend your time with a pack of half-assed backsliders, that's your business. But don't expect to find your name in the Book of Life. (And avoid the men's rooms on the third and fourth floors of the library—sodomites are drawn to them like moths to a flame.)

Cornish College of the Arts
Founded: 1914
Enrollment: 696
Denomination: Art
Key Temptations: Rampant promiscuity, experimental paganism, hardcore drug use
Inherent Evil: 10

You might as well die in a ritual sex murder with your parents and a pig—there is no surer way to save yourself a table setting in the Abyss than to study at this institution, which not only compounds all the sins of the other colleges, but is devoted to the devilish art of making idols. Deuteronomy 4 does not equivocate: Making graven images of man, woman, beast, or even the sun, is a one-way ticket into the Lake of Fire.

Painters, sculptors, photographers—you cannot escape Gehenna. Actors and filthy "performance artists" learn to lie for a living. Costume and fashion designers should consider 1 Peter 3, which forbids "that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel."

Only musicians and dancers are exempt from this doom, as King Solomon called on musicians to celebrate the dedication of the temple and Psalm 149 proclaims: "Let them praise his name in the dance: let them sing praises unto him with the timbrel and harp." But beware any art that does not seek to glorify the Lord—such vanities can only be washed with a purging fire.

Seattle Pacific University
Founded: 1891
Enrollment: 2,934
Denomination: Methodist
Key Temptations: Dry humping, suggestive dancing, mass murder
Inherent Evil: 6

Founded by Free Methodists, SPU has a reputation for Bible-toting, sexually pure, sober students. The first point of the school's Statement of Faith reads: "We are historically orthodox." Why, then, do women comprise a whopping 40 percent of its faculty in the theology department, of all places? First Timothy 2 clearly states, "I suffer not a woman to teach, nor to usurp authority over the man, but to be in silence." Seattle Perdition University, indeed.

Your best bet is to stay away from the loud and proud who obnoxiously "bear witness" to Jesus (or their own vanity) at every opportunity. Be like Christ and find yourself some humble, down-to-earth outcasts who blaspheme and forge checks. Honest sin is always better than false piety.

Seattle Central Community College
Founded: 1966
Enrollment: 10,721
Denomination: Community
Key Temptations: Cheating, quitting
Inherent Evil: 8

With its large population of foreign students—all studying in English—SCCC seeks to undermine God's deeds at Babel, when He "confounded the language" of men and "scattered them abroad upon the face of all the earth." What kind of fools would seek to undo what the Lord has wrought? Moreover, the college sits in the center of Capitol Hill, a well-known neighborhood of sodomy, lust, and mealy-mouthed "hipsters" who are repulsive in every way. Eschew lewdness, don't skip class, and study hard. Remember, you're attending SCCC so you can transfer to a worthier institution. I certainly hope you do not regard the college as an end in itself.

NO MATTER WHICH SCHOOL YOU ATTEND...

Remember that the Bible advises us to treat others with deference and respect, but not to follow them into thickets of sin. Banish impure thoughts, pray daily, and be sure to wash your hands. Much like graduation day, the day of the Lord comes as a thief in the night—don't let it catch you hung over, skipping class for the 13th time, scratching the genital sores you caught from the Jezebel next door.