Everyone. Calm down. Whereâs your inhaler? Sssshhhhhh. Breathe. Sssssssssshhhhhhhh. Your Highness is not that bad. It is not, as Andrew OâHehir at Salon speculated, âthe worst movie ever made.â True, Your Highness is idiotic, vulgar, offensive, shallow, derivative, and features a squishy Minotaur penis in a leading role (the heart quakes at the thought of deleted scenes). But also, Your Highness pleads guilty! It is all of those things on purposeâstupidity is, in fact, the filmâs entire purposeâso itâs fruitless and a little silly to condemn it for turning out that way. I mean, they let Danny McBride improvise ALL of his own dialogue. Dudes obviously werenât expecting a tender lovemaking session in Armond Whiteâs velveteen boudoir. Letâs all relax a little, is what Iâm saying. Sex and the City 2 was way worse, is what Iâm saying (and Iâm pretty sure last summer falls under the purview of âeverâ).
Now, itâs abundantly clear that this shit is not for everyone, and blessedly soâa world in which all humans had a taste for Danny McBride would devolve into a cannibal Thunderdome shit-show within days. Cocaine would be elected president. All citizens of Connecticut would be forced to change their last name to Dicklicker. The new economy would be based on a convoluted system of titties and Jet Skis.
But for those of us who can swallow our McBride, Your Highness is mostly painless and sometimes a delight. It is a movie with only one joke and only one purpose. The joke: What if people in medieval times talked like people talk in now times? The purpose: watching McBrideâand, more importantly, James âHhhhhhhhnnnnnngggggggâ Francoâdo stuff. Just stuff. Just whatever! DOESNâT MATTER. LISTEN TO THEIR FUCKING SHITTY BRITISH ACCENTS. HAHAAHAAHAHAA. McBride plays Thadeous (Kenny Powers in chain mail), lovable dumbass and bitter younger brother to the dashing Prince Fabious (Franco, angel spawn). After Fabiousâs virgin bride is kidnapped by a gross wizard, the brothers embark on a quest to see who can make the most and the yuckiest dick jokes (oh, and rescue her from wizard rape, I guess). Natalie Portman wears a metal thong, if youâre into that sort of thong. James Francoâs best friend is a robot bird. Itâs fucking stupid but I laughed and laughed.