Everyone. Calm down. Where’s your inhaler? Sssshhhhhh. Breathe. Sssssssssshhhhhhhh. Your Highness is not that bad. It is not, as Andrew O’Hehir at Salon speculated, “the worst movie ever made.” True, Your Highness is idiotic, vulgar, offensive, shallow, derivative, and features a squishy Minotaur penis in a leading role (the heart quakes at the thought of deleted scenes). But also, Your Highness pleads guilty! It is all of those things on purpose—stupidity is, in fact, the film’s entire purpose—so it’s fruitless and a little silly to condemn it for turning out that way. I mean, they let Danny McBride improvise ALL of his own dialogue. Dudes obviously weren’t expecting a tender lovemaking session in Armond White’s velveteen boudoir. Let’s all relax a little, is what I’m saying. Sex and the City 2 was way worse, is what I’m saying (and I’m pretty sure last summer falls under the purview of “ever”).
Now, it’s abundantly clear that this shit is not for everyone, and blessedly so—a world in which all humans had a taste for Danny McBride would devolve into a cannibal Thunderdome shit-show within days. Cocaine would be elected president. All citizens of Connecticut would be forced to change their last name to Dicklicker. The new economy would be based on a convoluted system of titties and Jet Skis.
But for those of us who can swallow our McBride, Your Highness is mostly painless and sometimes a delight. It is a movie with only one joke and only one purpose. The joke: What if people in medieval times talked like people talk in now times? The purpose: watching McBride—and, more importantly, James “Hhhhhhhhnnnnnnggggggg” Franco—do stuff. Just stuff. Just whatever! DOESN’T MATTER. LISTEN TO THEIR FUCKING SHITTY BRITISH ACCENTS. HAHAAHAAHAHAA. McBride plays Thadeous (Kenny Powers in chain mail), lovable dumbass and bitter younger brother to the dashing Prince Fabious (Franco, angel spawn). After Fabious’s virgin bride is kidnapped by a gross wizard, the brothers embark on a quest to see who can make the most and the yuckiest dick jokes (oh, and rescue her from wizard rape, I guess). Natalie Portman wears a metal thong, if you’re into that sort of thong. James Franco’s best friend is a robot bird. It’s fucking stupid but I laughed and laughed.