Sex Mar 25, 2016 at 9:04 am

Good Morning! Everyone Is Talking About Where Ted Cruz's Penis Has Been!

Dan Savage
Back to article

Comments

1
If this were happening to Trump, it would probably just give his campaign more momentum.
Jude Fawley on March 25, 2016 at 9:12 AM Report this
2
They don't make anti-nausea medication strong enough to withstand a Cruz secks scandal. We're about to find out if it's possible to die from convulsive dry-heaving.
Original Andrew on March 25, 2016 at 9:25 AM Report this
3
OH COME ON! Not even mentioning that one of the women is a top Trump spokesperson?! This is sooo juicy, it is going to be amazing!
teamcanada'sforgottenpassword on March 25, 2016 at 9:26 AM Report this
4
Who woulda guessed that Cruz is a hypocrite and a creep?
Gurldoggie on March 25, 2016 at 9:32 AM Report this
5
Uuuuuggg
chi_type on March 25, 2016 at 9:41 AM Report this
6
From the blurred pictures, it looks like none of the mistresses are blonde, like his wife.
seatackled on March 25, 2016 at 9:47 AM Report this
7
And never mind the gross factor. I hope there are recordings, like with the governor of Alabama.
seatackled on March 25, 2016 at 10:14 AM Report this
8
@ 6, The fact that they all appear to be living, human females discredits the story as well.
Original Andrew on March 25, 2016 at 10:15 AM Report this
9
@8

Don't forget: these women will likely be Republicans.
seatackled on March 25, 2016 at 10:18 AM Report this
10
Say, anyone know how many calories popcorn has?
seatackled on March 25, 2016 at 10:20 AM Report this
11
Cruz should get on Tumblr and talk about how unfair it is that he is being slut shamed and body shamed so heavily by the press. That would be pretty damn funny.
Theodore Gorath on March 25, 2016 at 10:22 AM Report this
12
Latter-day Jimmy Swaggart. The Jeebus Elmer Gantry types are always the worst. Trump admits he's a slime - Cruz spews xenophobia and Fambly Val-yooz. Roll on, Cuban Mistress Crisis.
Karlheinz Arschbomber on March 25, 2016 at 10:38 AM Report this
13
Anyone see LIndsay Graham on The Daily Show Wednesday night? I don't know if he just doesn't give a shit anymore, but he was utterly delightful and hilarious when talking about the GOP candidates. Noah was trying to box him in about his change of heart on Cruz, and showed the tape of him saying that if Cruz was killed on the floor of the Senate, the killer would surely walk. When asked why he decided to swallow that and endorse Cruz, the answer was simple: "He's not Trump."

I gotta say, this isn't going to help Not-Trump one bit, and for that, I'm deeply saddened. Not that I want a President, to quote Taibbi, who has a face that "looks like someone sewed pieces of a waterlogged Reagan mask together at gunpoint." Both guys scare me, but Trump scares me more.

We better be able to defeat the Republicans come November, that's all I gotta say.
Brooklyn Reader on March 25, 2016 at 10:45 AM Report this
14
@12: "Roll on, Cuban Mistress Crisis."

That's pretty genius, actually.
MLM on March 25, 2016 at 10:52 AM Report this
15
Cuban Mistress Crisis is brilliant indeed.
seatackled on March 25, 2016 at 11:00 AM Report this
16
@Dan: what a relief you're covering this amazing story! You're the lone voice crying in the wilderness, while every other site is covering dumb shit like the Sanders rally at Safeco field tonight at 4pm. Kudos!
yelahneb on March 25, 2016 at 11:05 AM Report this
17
And for anyone saying he is just too gross for anyone to want to bang, may I present you with Exhibit A: Gingrich, Newt.
teamcanada'sforgottenpassword on March 25, 2016 at 11:07 AM Report this
18
@17: Gingrich is repulsive, I'll give you that. But the guy I least want to bang in the whole universe is the creep who owns/runs eHarmony. His TV commercials make me scream (and not in a good way) at the TV.

Or Ted Cruz. Tossup between those two.
originalcinner on March 25, 2016 at 11:19 AM Report this
18
This is interesting...

It seems The National Enquirer is owned by a friend of Donald Trump. I can't help thinking there might be a joke or two about his hame, too: David Pecker.
Brooklyn Reader on March 25, 2016 at 11:20 AM Report this
19
@16:

Given this was posted shortly after 9:00 a.m., a good seven hours BEFORE the Sanders rally is scheduled to start, I'm pretty sure there's still plenty of time for someone at The Stranger to take the 10 minute ride on Link from Capitol Hill to Pioneer Square.
COMTE on March 25, 2016 at 11:26 AM Report this
20
@3: Gee, what a coinkydink.
undead ayn rand on March 25, 2016 at 11:53 AM Report this
21
I'm sure the two are wholly unrelated.
undead ayn rand on March 25, 2016 at 11:54 AM Report this
22
Do we actually know for a fact that all of these women were alive at the time the affair happened?

@13: No, Cruz is definitely worse than Trump. Trump is an egomaniac and a blowhard, Cruz is a dangerous ideologue. Trump might do something you agree with occasionally.
Chase on March 25, 2016 at 11:56 AM Report this
23
@19 maybe - but given recent history, their resulting blog post will be 50% Wow This Light Rail Station Is So Amazing and 50% making fun of people at the rally.
yelahneb on March 25, 2016 at 11:58 AM Report this
24
@20, she was also a staffer on Cruz's Senate campaign. There are some good photos of her looking at Cruz adoringly.
teamcanada'sforgottenpassword on March 25, 2016 at 12:25 PM Report this
25
@22 I've been saying the same thing. Trump would be horrible but containable. Cruz... Is it possible to actually contain the Antichrist?
MonkeyFetish on March 25, 2016 at 12:25 PM Report this
26
If they continue to lower the bar in the GOP contest, they're going to have to start digging a trench for it.

@19, taking the light rail to Stadium Station will save you a walk.
Toe Tag on March 25, 2016 at 12:26 PM Report this
27
@12: "Cuban Mistress Crisis" XD
venomlash on March 25, 2016 at 12:48 PM Report this
28
Using the National Enquirer as a news source? How low can The Stranger go?
raindrop on March 25, 2016 at 12:49 PM Report this
29
Why now, though? Isn't it rather late in the game? Is this simply meant to torment the anyone-but-Trump Republicans?
saxfanatic on March 25, 2016 at 12:59 PM Report this
30
@22 If they both could be trusted to operate within the rule of law, I would agree with you, that Cruz was a bigger risk, being a Christian Dominionist.

But Trump is a classic fascist leader, and if he can't get his way using legal methods, I can envision him organizing his own brownshirts to pretty much overthrow whatever gets in his way. Take a look at his fanboys and tell me that's impossible. Also, look at all the police who've looked the other way when his followers converge on protesters. It's not hard to imagine gangs of Trump supporters intimidating non-Trump voters (women, minorities, college students) from getting in the doors of their polling places come November.
Brooklyn Reader on March 25, 2016 at 1:28 PM Report this
31
@18 - NE might be owned by a friend of Trump... or a friend of Hilary.

Trump is really the perfect foil for Hilary... she appears completely reasonable compared to him, so scotching Cruz's campaign and making it a Trump vs Clinton contest in the final round would play straight into her hands and be in her best interests. Plus, she has the connections to play these sorts of dirty tricks.

Remember, Trump polls below actual electoral success. In fact, it would not surprise me if a significant number of Republicans hold their collective noses and vote Hilary just so they don't have 4-years of Trump. Hilary is the perfect Republican-Democrat blended candidate.

She wants to go up against Trump, and avoid the more experienced, if sick and homely, Cruz.
treacle on March 25, 2016 at 2:02 PM Report this
32
@pattonoswalt is the best thing about Twitter, followed closely by @god.
Knat on March 25, 2016 at 3:23 PM Report this
34
Gee, creepy conscienceless man with buckets of money and unconstrained ambition for power?

Out in Dating Land that seems to be every straight woman's shopping list.
Polyphemus on March 25, 2016 at 4:39 PM Report this
35
Oh no! They're gonna kick me out of StarBucks AGAIN! I'm giggling uncontrollably at various of your comments: "pieces of waterlogged Reagan mask sewed together at gunpoint" "Do we actually know for a fact that all of the women were actually alive at the time of the affair?" "Cuban Mistress Crisis" "Who woulda suspected that Cruz is both a hypocrite and a creep?". And Dan's "appetite suppressant". Yeah Lindsay Graham was hilarious on the Daily Show. And of course our old favorite Mittens Romney said that the fact that 2 of Trump's wives were foreign just proves that there are jobs an American won't do. (I know. That was Trump and not Cruz but it seemed apropos.) I am totally addicted to Dan's comment section.
megm1 on March 25, 2016 at 5:19 PM Report this
36
@32: @_FloridaMan
venomlash on March 25, 2016 at 8:14 PM Report this
37
I will not think about Cruz's dick. I will not think about Cruz's dick. I will not think about Cruz's dick. I will not..
LavaGirl on March 25, 2016 at 8:21 PM Report this
38
I read today that Breitbart had the story in Feb - given to them by a Rubio supporter - but they didn't publish it (their owner is a Cruz supporter; they said there wasn't enough evidence)

So not just National Enquirer, but also Breitbart had it. Ok, neither source is credible, usually.

Would have made sense a Rubio supporter would want the story to get out in Feb; might have helped his numbers probably. Darn shame if we can't blame this on Trump though (just because I love to blame sleazy stuff on him)
PattyH on March 26, 2016 at 6:19 AM Report this
39
@34: Along with every straight man being into "crazy but what sex!"

People are attracted to confidence, some people can't separate that from the underlying issues. I don't understand how anyone thinks these childishly overbroad statements are insightful.
undead ayn rand on March 26, 2016 at 8:00 AM Report this
43
This is Cruz's Katrinas.
Drosophila on March 26, 2016 at 12:03 PM Report this
44
@36: Oh yes, that one is great too. I'm not on Twitter, so I only see what others post about on the larger Internet. That one just doesn't come up as often.

I also greatly enjoyed @NextToKimDavis, back during that whole ordeal. That one's certainly petered off lately, understandably.
Knat on March 26, 2016 at 12:31 PM Report this
45
@24: I suppose you're right. I should temper my knowledge that Trump is the sort of person to fabricate this story with the other knowledge that Family Values Republicans are insanely disloyal to their spouses.
undead ayn rand on March 26, 2016 at 5:54 PM Report this
46
Pretty sure it's fake, and the truth about where Ted Cruz's penis has been is ... well, let's just say what happens at the truck stop stays at the truck stop.
this guy I know in Spokane on March 26, 2016 at 6:33 PM Report this

Please wait...

Comments are closed.

Commenting on this item is available only to members of the site. You can sign in here or create an account here.


Add a comment
Preview
Posted by (your name here)

By posting this comment, you are agreeing to our Terms of Use.

More In Sex

What Should I Do Down There?
Take The Stranger's 2024 Sex Survey!
Pal Power!
Men and Feet
Wait. Pre-Natal Masturbation?
Washington Legislature Passes Stealthing Bill

Editors' Picks

Council Rejects Progressive Tax Increase to Fill $140 Million Budget Hole
An Oral History of the First Seattle Trans Pride
All Aboard! Station Space Coming to King Street Station
Skating Polly Would Have Been the Biggest Band of 1996
The Long Con
Can Seattle Do for August Wilson What Lake Forest Park Did for Octavia Butler?
The Stranger
is a proud member of the media network
Masthead Ad Info & Rates Jobs at The Stranger Contact Privacy Policy Terms of Use Takedown Policy Find The Stranger Near You
Support The Stranger
All contents © Index Newspapers LLC
800 Maynard Ave S, Suite 200, Seattle, WA 98134