Orcas are moving on: The Southern resident orcas aren't summering with us like they used to. Due to a drop in Chinook salmon (thanks, climate change), the orcas' summer home in the San Juan Islands doesn't have the same sparkle it once had. According to the Seattle Times, "researchers documented a 75% drop in reported sightings of the southern residents from 2004 to 2020 around the San Juan Islands." For their own sake, I don't think we should tell the San Juan Islands people about this. Let them live in ignorant bliss, constantly searching for whales dolphins that will never come. 

Tokitae may be coming home: In some happy orca news, the Miami Seaquarium is trying to release Tokitae (or Lolita, as she's known down in that festering swamp of a state) back home to the Pacific Northwest. She's lived in an aquarium tank for nearly 50 years. However, there are many regulatory hurdles to jump through, and it's not clear where she will go since she's spent most of her life in captivity. 

Tripped up by the trippy bill: Those squares down in Olympia probably won't pass the bill to legalize magic mushroom use in certain mental health facilities. A different version of the bill largely focused on research that includes a pilot program to dose veterans and first responders with psilocybin could make it through, however. I still stand by my theory that we should make every politician do hallucinogens to solve the world's problems.  

As you probably know by now: A grand jury indicted our good pal Donald Trump on charges relating to hush money he paid Stormy Daniels in 2016. He's expected to surrender some time "early next week." Prosecutors did not say whether they would seek prison time if Trump were convicted on these charges. Prison time would probably be the only thing that would stop this guy from running for president again. Here is a collection of funny tweets. 

One more funny tweet:

Fox News to the rescue: The chumps over at Fox News worked themselves up into a tizzy over this indictment. From Sean Hannity to Glenn Beck, the hosts of America's conservative propaganda machine went to bat for Trump last night, calling this indictment "a cheap act of petty political vengeance." Hannity said that one. Beck said the Bill of Rights was gone. All of this is particularly funny in light of the defamation lawsuit against Fox, which exposed the fact that the talking heads at the outlet actually detest Trump and that they did not believe the bullshit they spewed about 2020 being a "stolen election." 

In possibly more important legal news: Gwyneth Paltrow won her ski crash case. A jury found the bone broth queen not at fault in the case seeking to determine whether Paltrow slammed into retired optometrist Terry Sanderson on the Utah slopes back in 2016. Paltrow allegedly whispered a cutting "I wish you well" to Sanderson as she exited the courtroom. 

And now, a quick update from Ashley:

Friends of Eucy, the woman who died during an eviction in Ballard will hold a 7 pm vigil on Friday at Gilman Park. The 29-year-old woman died by suicide after "an exchange of gunfire" with King County Sheriff's deputies who came to evict her on March 20. Friends of the woman say she'd barricaded herself in the apartment in an act of civil disobedience against the eviction. King County’s Independent Force Investigation Team is still gathering details about the incident. Vigil organizers described the demonstration as a call to action.

Alright, back to me.

Bald pussies abound in the UK: Some sick bastard in the UK has attacked 80 cats, shaving the fur off their backs and their legs. The culprit, now known as the "phantom cat shaver," is traumatizing not only the owners, but the poor, bald-patch ridden kitties. To make matters worse, copycat (sigh) shavings may be taking place. Mark my words: I will take up arms against the phantom cat shaver. I am not afraid of any ghost.

Some weather for you: Get ready for an “unseasonably strong” weather system to sweep through Western Washington starting today. We'll get some rain, wind, and snow in the mountains. I'm all for a little April shower. 

Huge election news: King County Elections moved the Capitol Hill ballot box 40 feet north of where it used to be on Broadway.

[Eds note: As a member of this ballot box's community, I am furious. There was ZERO outreach about this decision. Next time King County Elections plans to make a change that strikes at the heart of democracy, I demand no fewer than ten stakeholdering meetings and a poster campaign—at minimum.]

Plants can cry: In case you needed more shit to grind your teeth about at night, thirsty or stressed plants make sounds of distress. These plant sobs likely originate from the xylem, the structure transporting water and nutrients inside the plants. Though imperceptible to the human ear, the cries of pain crackle through the air at a frequency animals such as bats, moths, and mice can probably hear. Imagine living in a world where plants can moan, shriek, cry, and scream. Take this as a reminder to water your plants. 

Wildfires in Spain: The fires "have an unusual ferocity" for fires happening this early in the year.

Finally, some common sense: The King County Council voted unanimously to use the Oxford Comma in all of its ordinances and motions. Good news is so rare these days, isn't it? Soak in it!

Justice for the Satanists: The ACLU is suing a Pennsylvania school district for violating the First Amendment when it barred a student club called "After School Satan Club" from meeting. 

Give us the arts funding bill: The lawmakers in Olympia could pass a bill that would allow local jurisdictions across Washington to fund "cultural access programs." These are fancy words for "money for the arts." The bill would grant local councils and committees the power to raise sales or property taxes 0.01% to fund these arts programs. Currently, this can only happen if voters approve it. The bill doesn't raise taxes, but it makes the possibility of raising taxes for the arts easier. 

Arizona Dairy Queen owners seek missing spoon: Thieves snatched a 15-foot spoon statue outside a Phoenix DQ. They stole away into the night on a small motorbike. The owners of the store are distraught. “I appeal to the person. This spoon is too big to eat anything,” one owner said. “We want you to bring it back. We will not ask any questions.” 

Bremerton man indicted on swatting charges: A federal court in Tacoma indicted 20-year-old Ashton Connor Garcia on charges concerning more than 20 fake 911 calls he made to harass individuals across the country and in Canada. This practice, known as swatting, "typically involves extreme violence and is aimed at diverting emergency public resources to an unsuspecting person’s home." Garcia allegedly threatened his victims and at times extorted them for money. He allegedly would call 911 to his victims' homes, either lying about his victims being murderers or rapists, or saying explosives were at their homes. This is not a very chill thing to do and Garcia faces upwards of 15 years in prison. 

Cruise ship scandal bombshell: Here's a long and horrific read for your Friday. 

For something slightly less depressing: Keep an eye on Slog today for the next iteration of Play Date, my new column exploring Seattle subcultures. 

Baseball opening day was yesterday: The Mariners won! Woo! I'll be at the game today. I'm excited to see what baseball is like with some of these new rules. Like, the pitch clock. As a casual viewer, I'm into the pitch clock. Speed this game up, I say! People who I am close to who love and cherish the sport of baseball as if it were a member of their own family do not hold these same opinions about the pitch clock. I think we can all agree that this should be a rule: