Death penalty gets the ax: Gov. Jay Inslee signed a bill banning the death penalty in Washington state. Nobody's been executed in the Evergreen State since 2010, and in 2014 Inslee vowed he'd never sign a death warrant in office. Now it's law: No death penalty in Washington

Free health care is coming to Seattle! For four days next week, the Seattle/King County Clinic will host free dental, vision, and medical care at a Seattle Center pop-up event from April 27-30. Health care volunteers hope to help around 3,000 people during the event. 

January Sixther opens fire at local deputies: A Texas man facing charges in the Jan 6 insurrection shot at local law enforcement when they went to his home for a welfare check. Early that day, the FBI informed the man he would need to surrender in a few days. Now, he faces an additional charge of being a felon in possession of a firearm. He could face more charges for the shooting down the line. 

Orcas need a little more personal space, lawmakers in Olympia said. A new bill awaiting Inslee's signature will keep all boaters 1,000 feet away from orcas at all times. The boat noises tend to disrupt hunting and communication. Currently, boats must stay 400 feet away, though recreational whale-watching boats already had a 1,000-foot limit. Personally, I would like to be the whale distance boat police, sailing the high seas with a 1,000-foot ruler and a no-nonsense attitude. [Eds note: Scientists classify orcas as dolphins, but "whale distance boat police" sounds funnier than "dolphin distance boat police," and I just don't think the whole dolphin thing is common knowledge, so I'm leaving it, but just know that we all know.]

Spring is the stuff of dreams: Yesterday was the coldest April 20 in Seattle ever in the 130 years since we've been recording weather. Maybe next week will be different. No, but actually, it might hit 70 degrees by next Friday. 

Attempted doppelgängericide: In 2016, a Russian woman living in New York City tried to kill her similar-looking friend with a slice of poisoned cheesecake, then she stole the woman's ID and other valuables, according to NPR. She allegedly attempted to steal her friend's identity after murdering her to avoid going back to Russia, where she's accused of a 2014 murder. In that murder, she killed her friend and stole their life savings. She's facing a 21-year prison sentence for the 2016 attempted murder.

Russia accidentally bombed itself: A Russian warplane accidentally dropped a bomb on the Russian city of Belgorod. The bomb injured two people and scared the entire city. After the attack, Russians assumed the bomb came from Ukraine and called for retribution. Then, the Russian military confessed the bomb actually came from Russia. Oopsie! 

ICYMI: The newest entry of Play Date is here. This time, I played D&D with military veterans. 

Louisville shooter easily bought a gun: The man who killed five of his co-workers at a Louisville, Kentucky bank earlier this month left notes detailing how easy it was for a mentally ill person to buy a gun. The shooter reportedly purchased an AR-15 a week before the shooting. In accordance with Kentucky state law, to buy the gun, he only needed to fill out a form and undergo an FBI background check to make sure he wasn't a felon or had a restraining order against him. 

Maple Valley shooting: A Maple Valley man allegedly shot his wife and two adult children early Friday. Two of the victims are in critical condition and one is in serious condition. 

Some mass shooting stats: According to the Associated Press, "the U.S. is setting a record pace for mass killings in 2023" with mass shootings happening once a week so far this year. "The carnage has taken 88 lives in 17 mass killings over 111 days. Each time, the killers wielded firearms." Such a good, normal country to live in :)

DeSantis's emergency order snafu: Back in January, Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis panicked because of the large volume of immigrants sailing to the Florida Keys. He spent $20 million on emergency purchases such as "drones, night vision goggles, airplane leases, aviation radios and other gear to respond to the immigration influx." (I'm not sure if he intended to go to war with the immigrants?). One of his other purchases was the $1 million contract he signed with a cruise ship to house state workers in the Keys. However, he never made sure the ship had a place to dock. No one ended up using the ship.

A day before DeSantis's emergency order, President Joe Biden created a new measure that allowed immigrants from Venezuela, Cuba, Haiti, and Nicaragua to apply for immigration in their own countries and enter the U.S. legally. The flow of immigrants headed illegally by sea stemmed drastically. DeSantis's $20 million worth of preparation was seemingly for nothing. 

Here is what it feels like to exist these days: This is literally every conversation I have with my mom. There's too much TV, and I think that's why I'm silently boycotting the new seasons of the shows I used to like. But, I'm proud to say I finally caved and watched the first episode of Succession season four yesterday. Unfortunately, it's as good as I remember (and as everyone says), so I will be watching the rest immediately.  

Goodbye, blue checkmark: Anyone who didn't pay for a Twitter Blue subscription lost their verification badge yesterday. This means celebrities, public officials, and me are all badge-less. You know who isn't badgeless? LeBron James, Stephen King, and William Shatner. Elon Musk announced he was "personally" paying the $8 monthly subscriptions for these celebrities. Elon is worth $173 billion and is also a big fucking idiot. The idiot thing isn't super related to the rest of this blurb, but it is true nonetheless. James, King, and Shatner were among the celebs who said they would not pay for Twitter Blue and bemoaned the switch to a paid subscription model. 

Charges dropped against Alec Baldwin: The actor no longer faces charges in 2021's fatal on-set Rust shooting, which killed a cinematographer. The film's armorer, Hannah Gutierrez-Reed, still faces two counts of involuntary manslaughter. Baldwin's wife shared a stomach-churningly cringey Instagram post in light of the good news for her family. It made me want to die, so I must share it with you:

Huge news: In celebration of Earth Day, all National Parks and Washington State Parks will be free on Saturday. Go lose yourself in the woods. 

Abortion pill decision should come today: The Supreme Court gave itself a Friday night deadline to decide the fate of abortion pill access nationwide. The highly conservative jokers on the court will decide whether mifepristone access stays unchanged or whether it should be restricted as lower-courts in ass-backwards places such as Texas believe. So, uh, stay tuned to see whether we'll lose even more reproductive rights in this country!

A golden Canadian mystery: Someone snatched $22 million (in Canadian dollars) worth of gold from Toronto's Pearson International Airport. Because of the gold mines in Ontario, the Toronto airport often ships out a lot of gold internationally. But no one usually steals 3,600 pounds of it. Authorities are baffled. They don't know where the gold went, how anyone moved it out of the airport, if any of it still remains in the airport. They suspect a local organized crime outfit. Local criminals tend to have sources on the inside of the airport, some employees may even be part of the organization. Trust no one at the Pearson International Airport! Turn this story into a heist movie!