More War: Yesterday, India launched missiles into Pakistan and Kashmir. India says it was in response to Pakistan killing “at least 26 people, mostly tourists, in Pahalgam in April,” according to the BBC. Pakistan says 26 people are dead, including a child, and 46 people are injured. Pakistani Prime Minister Shehbaz Sharif called the attack “an act of war,” and vowed to respond. Pakistan also says they shot down five Indian aircraft in the attack, but India hasn’t confirmed. BBC Verify is attempting to examine what footage they can of the alleged wreckage. 

Trump’s Response: What’d Trump have to say when he heard the news? "It's a shame, we just heard about it. I guess people knew something was going to happen based on a little bit of the past. They've been fighting for a long time, you know? They've been fighting for many, many decades, and centuries, actually, if you really think about it. No, I just hope it ends very quickly." A brilliant mind at work.

It’s Conclave Time, Bitches: NYT is liveblogging the whole thing and it’s fascinating. One reporter just posted, “The cardinals chant hauntingly as they file under frescoes to the Sistine Chapel. The real conclave is better than the movie.” Another just wrote, “The cardinals are wearing red robes, white lace tunics, red capes and red biretta hats. Swiss Guards in colorful striped uniforms are standing alongside the procession.” It’s giving E! News Met Gala coverage, and I love it.

Speaking of the Met Gala: “No, Lisa Wasn’t Wearing Rosa Parks Underwear at the Met Gala.”

Gulf of Amerikkka: Looks like some of Trump’s Republican minions aren’t too keen on his whole renaming the Gulf of Mexico to the Gulf of America idea. CNN reports that multiple Republican representatives are saying they will oppose the vote, which is reportedly expected in the House on Thursday. Rep. Don Bacon told the outlet, “It just seems juvenile. We’re the United States of America. We’re not Kaiser Wilhelm’s Germany or Napoleon’s France. I just–we’re better than this.” You’re so close, Bacon. It’s not Wilhelm’s Germany he’s emulating… keep going… you’ll get there. Anyway, insiders “still believe the bill can pass.” 

Fighter Jets are Falling Off Aircraft Carriers: It’s happened twice now! Both on the USS Truman! In the span of eight days! CBS sums up the most recent event pretty well: “The Super Hornet was attempting to land on the flight deck of the Truman Tuesday ‘when an arrestment failed, causing the aircraft to go overboard.’" Two fighter jets. Lost in the Red Sea. At least when I fuck up at work a $60 million jet doesn’t end up at the bottom of the ocean. No one has been seriously injured in the accidents. 

Is the USS Truman Cursed? Shit has been happening to the USS Truman at a concerning pace since it was deployed in September. An F/A-18 was mistakenly shot down by the USS Gettysburg after it took off from the USS Truman in December; in February, the carrier “accidentally collided with a merchant vessel near the Suez Canal,” and, after an investigation, Captain Dave Snowden was fired. What is happening on that boat???

Wait… What If: The Red Sea is famously teeming with octopi, aka one of the smartest underwater creatures in the world, which like to punch fish in the face. What if octopi get hold of those jets? What if they teach themselves how to fly them? Just think of those jets, sitting at the bottom of the ocean, full of octopi cosplaying as US fighter pilots. “LoOk, I’m A hUmAn!” they’ll say in a mocking voice while laughing and wrapping their tentacles around the jets’ yokes and wiggling them back and forth. They’re probably wearing aviator glasses too, because lord knows at least a few pairs of those have ended up going overboard. “Watch out, Goose, I’m gonna get you!” “You’ll never catch me, Maverick!” 

I’m Fine, by the Way: I know octopi can’t fly jets. I know that. It’s just that things are so scary and unstable right now that we have to have a little fun where we can, you know? Sigh. Back to bummer news.

Layoffs at Columbia: Columbia University had to lay off nearly 180 employees “after Trump pulled $400M over his antisemitism concerns,” according to AP. “Antisemitism concerns” just means students protested Israel's attacks on Palestinians. On the chopping block? Research departments working on “a project to develop an antiviral nasal spray for infectious diseases to various scientific studies on maternal mortality and morbidity, treatments for chronic illnesses such as long COVID, caring for newborns with opioid withdrawal syndrome and screenings for colorectal cancer.” OH SO NOTHING IMPORTANT REALLY THANK GOODNESS. 

I Will Never Forgive Them for What They Did to Bartell Drugs: Rite Aid is filing for bankruptcy again and Bartell Drugs is probably fucked. The Seattle Times reports that Rite Aid “will keep its stores open and operating throughout the sale process,” but “they’ll all be sold or eventually closed.” Have you been in a Bartell Drugs lately? The shelves are about 50 percent stocked at any given time. It’s so empty and sad. They used to have one of the best candy and snack selections in the city! I hate you forever, Rite Aid.

Riley Gaines Spoke at the UW Yesterday: An estimated 150 students turned out to protest Riley, a former college swimmer and current bigot who essentially made a career for herself by hating and harassing trans people. Fox 13 says the protest was “mostly peaceful,” but notes that police “ripp[ed] a trans flag from protesters.” Good work, students. Never let Gaines know a moment of peace.

Luigi: The Musical: It’s real! The show, which Broadway World says “follows Luigi Mangione … as he shares a prison cell with disgraced tech executive Sam Bankman-Fried and music mogul Sean ‘Diddy’ Combs,” premieres in San Francisco next month. I really, really, really need to hear that soundtrack.

Smokey Robinson Accused of Rape: Four women have accused Motown singer Smokey Robinson of sexual assault and misconduct and false imprisonment. In a lawsuit filed yesterday, the women, who worked for Smokey and his wife Frances, say Smokey raped them several times and Frances created a hostile work environment because she did “not take proper action to prevent misconduct despite knowledge that he’d settled cases from previous women alleging similar assaults,” reports Variety. Some of the women say they didn’t report Smokey sooner because they “were fearful it could affect their immigration status.” Horrifying.

Bumbershoot Announces 2025 Lineup: This morning, Bumbershoot organizers announced the music lineup for their 2025 festival. Pretty Girls Make Graves are playing!! And some other artists will be there, too. Julianne posted all the deets here.

I promise, your day will be infinitely better if you start it with a PGMG dance party.  “And nothing else matters when I turn it up LOUUUUUUDDDDD!” 🎶