Savage Love Letter of the Day: A Ring On It

Comments

1
And now, a report from the Department of Confirmation Bias: As I thought, putting an extra hole in your dick is a bad idea.
2
Ouch!
3
It makes me sad that they didn't stop intercourse and take it out the first time it hurt. Letter writer, painful-in-bad-way sex shouldn't happen, and a GGG partner would feel just as strongly about that as I hope you will come to do. I don't know whether it falls under the good or the giving, but I'm positive GGG sex is not endured by either partner with gritted teeth aND a hope it will be over soon.
I'm a little disturbed that he was OK with hurting you that way. So I'll just hope he didn't realize quite what was going on. Your comfort and enjoyment is IMPORTANT. It's way more important than anyone's accessorizing. Please take my word on this.
5
Since the dude was crazy/brave enough to have the piercing done, I say he deserves a woman who actually gets off on his piercing (not an uncommon reaction), and who isn't consumed with anxiety about chipping a fucking tooth.
6
P.S. Apparently you can mount a vibrator on these things. Or even a GoPro.
7
You can also attach a male chastity device to a PA piercing. Escape impossible!
8
Maybe Dan could open up the question to women who get off on dick piercings. Maybe they might contribute some suggestions.
9
As one woman to another, the notion that being GGG requires you to accept painful intercourse to show what a good sport you are is just ridiculous. That you would even consider that it would be better to break up than for him to have to temporarily give up his adornment in exchange for mutually pleasurable sex is just downright silly. If you look at it from the viewpoint of an outsider, then I think you would realize that the problem is not the cock jewelry. The problem is how little you seem to value yourself. Duh! The guy's being a good sport and wants to have sex that you enjoy, so why did that spell "problem" to you instead of "solution"?
10
As one woman to another, the notion that being GGG requires you to accept painful intercourse to show what a good sport you are is just ridiculous. And suggesting that it would be better to break up than to let him take the jewelry out temporarily to make the sex mutually pleasurable is just silly. If he is a typical guy, sex with and without the adornment is win - win. Getting dumped, not so much!

From the point of view of an outside observer, the problem does not seem to be the cock piercing. The problem seems to be how little you value yourself. Otherwise, why would you see his making this minor accommodation for your well-being as a problem rather than a solution? It so happened to be his turn to be GGG -- so say "thank you" and stop overthinking the whole thing! And if you want to give him a tangible sign of your appreciation, learn how to give him oral with the ring in place without cracking your teeth. He's bound to love the trial and error as you learn the proper technique (hint -- use your tongue, not your teeth!) Take when you need -- you deserve it! Give when you can -- he deserves it! That is what a GGG partnership looks like!
11
sorry -- thought the first one didn't post! And in reconstructing, I ended up embellishing!
12
@5: In the multitude of girl talk I've had on the subject, I'm yet to meet a woman who didn't react to a PA with anything other than "OUCH!" and/or "Why the actual fuck?" The notion that so many women find them fun is probably rooted in ego-stroking lies (which women have been known to tell), or guys flattering themselves about their junk (which men have been known to do).

I'm not saying there's no such thing as a woman who loves a PA. I'm just saying the alleged claim that there are so many ladies that love them flies in the face of the informal surveys I've done.
13
@11. Lindie. It happens to me, often. I post, it shows up as on the thread. I check again, and it's gone.. One of the tech people needs to check this problem.
Anyway. Both posts were spot on. This GGG thing really seems to confound people.
LW. I think you're a good sport for even dating a guy who would do this to himself.
14
Forgot to mention, Lindie. After my post dissapears, it turns up again a few minutes later.
15
@5: "I say he deserves a woman who actually gets off on his piercing (not an uncommon reaction)"

Is "deserves" really the choice of word you intended? What he wants is the woman who was willing to try something that just didn't work. Seems pretty shallow to suggest that she's not good enough for him because she doesn't gel physically with his fashion accessory.
16
I don't get piercings. Tatoos I understand; they're cool-looking, or at least the well-drawn ones are, and there's no other way to adorn your body with a long-lasting work of art. But if you want to suspend jewelry from your body, there's already the option of necklaces, bracelets, anklets, rings, waist-chains - hell, you could encrust or put charms on a cock ring. Why put a hole in your body? To prove how committed you are to some kind of fashion?

I just don't get it.
17
I spend a fair portion of my day keeping sharp bits of metal away from my penis. It just seems like good policy to not treat my dork like a mix between a pin cushion and a Christmas tree.

@12: The only person I have ever heard say anything about sexual "enhancement" through dick piercings are guys with dick piercings. So I would put more stock in ego stroking by dudes. Never heard a woman say anything other than "gross," "That sounds terrible" and "keep that away from me."
18
In the 1950s the word "prude" meant: I want you to let me touch your breasts, and if you don't want that, I'll call you a prude in the hopes that you'll be so upset at being called the name, you'll do what you don't want in order to avoid it.

In the 1960s the word "uptight" meant: I want to have sex with you, and if you don't want to have sex with me, I'll call you uptight in the hopes that you'll do something you don't want in order to avoid being called uptight.

Now we've got "GGG" and "sex negative" which means: I want to do all sorts of things that satisfy my kinks and fantasies but that do nothing for yours, and if you don't want to do them, I'll accuse you of an abhorrent political stance that implies you're against all LGBT rights.

I'm glad we've got Dan to set the record straight-- The enjoyment of both participants matters.

(This post has nothing to do with the letter. I just thought I'd throw it in.)

(Was Crinoline, now Fichu.)
19
Before having sex, I typically take off all the (conventional) jewelry I wear which would get in the way: rings that might scratch, a necklace that might tug on my neck or get pulled and break. If this guy sees his PA as that kind of jewelry that accessorizes and gets in the way and if he doesn't risk having the piercing close up during the time that the jewelry is out of it, I don't see the problem in asking him to be jewelry-free when you two have sex.

I assume, though, that one of the main reasons for a PA piercing is not just for adornment, but for what is supposed to be enhanced sexual pleasure. Does that mean more pleasure for the pierced guy or more pleasure for his partner? If it is supposed to be there for him to get more pleasure or sensation out of sex, how about incorporating hand jobs during which he leaves it in into your regular sexual routine?
It would be interesting to know why he has this piercing. Does he mostly like the look of it? Does he like the way it feels all the time, even in non-sexual situations? Does he like the idea of it more than the actuality of it? Did he get it so that he could give more pleasure to his partners? Perhaps if he did it for his partners' sake, and he gets more feedback that says it's not having the intended effect, but rather its opposite, he'll decide to remove it altogether; if it is more for his sensation, maybe the handjob and more gentle blowjob, focusing more on licking than deep-throating or vigorous sucking, can be the compromise they reach. It sounds like both of them are being ggg and making mutual efforts to accommodate the other.
20
I don't know what's going on at The Stranger, but first I can't get to Dan's columns straight away or by themselves, I have to go through every single item posted by every staffer before I can find whatever Dan posts and his Savage Love Letter of the Day. Since I don't live in Washington, a lot of the local interest stories don't really interest me. Secondly, I, too, was forced to change my username. Since I'd changed email addresses since I first created the old account, I couldn't just reset my password; when I tried to use my old name with the new email address, I was told that the name was taken. So I used to be notcutename, and now I'm posting under Iwasnocutename.

So system moderators or IT people at The Stranger or Slog, can we get some help to make this more Dan-user friendly again? And can I find a way to get my old name back even with a different email address?
Thanks!
21
My last comment is related to the current letter in one sense. The letter suggests the extent to which women have internalized the you're-a-sex-negative-uptight-prude message. Here's someone whose boyfriend has NOT insinuated that there's anything wrong with her wanting non-painful intercourse but who has still jumped to the conclusion that there might be.
22
@10: "As one woman to another, the notion that being GGG requires you to accept painful intercourse to show what a good sport you are is just ridiculous. "

As one non-woman to... literally anybody, I agree with this. I'm concerned that this signals the concept of GGG has suffered some drift. It shouldn't mean "you have to do anything your partner wants, no matter the cost," but this kind of thing makes it sound like that's how it's being used out in the wild.
23
So if you guys want to keep your old name after the password reset thing happened to all of us, just go through the "forgot password" routine and enter in your old password as the new one. Worked for me.

It still has your old account, it has just messed up the passwords. I guess you would have to go into your old account and change the email setting there is you want to use a new email with your old name.
24
@23: I wanted to do that, but I was using a no-longer-extant email address when I first joined years ago. So The Stranger could only send that "change password" link to an account I no longer have access to. Since you have to have them send a link to your email and you have to use that link, I had no choice but to change my username, too, since their software recognized my old one as being "taken" (by me, who can't access it).
25
I had EXACTLY this same situation. Man I was seeing had a rather gigantic PA. (He'd never admit it, but I'm pretty sure that the reason he got it was to weigh his flaccid dick down so it looked bigger, which was so laughably unnecessary, but boys and their toys.) I like a vigorous seeing to, and I wound up with what I can only guess was a bruised cervix that made it difficult to move for several DAYS. Seriously, every time I stood up, it was like getting punched in my depths. This guy was a great lay, but also an insecure Dom type, but even so, when I told him what happened, he didn't bat an eye before taking it out the next time we were together. Honestly, the removal became a turn-on in and of itself, because when he unscrewed that captive ball, I knew what was going to be screwed next. Before long, I learned to do it myself, and to tongue-lubricate the hole to make removal easier (although I never quite got the hang of re-installation).

tl;dr: Yes, they can hurt your insides, and the dude shouldn't take issue with removing it—it can become foreplay.
26
Oh, PS: It bruised my hard palate when we did oral as well. Believe me, I tried. My teeth were fine, but the roof of my mouth hurt like a mofo.
27
Further PPS: A guy with a PA is going to sit to pee for the rest of his life. Just in case anyone is considering it.
28
I had to reset my password, as well. Fortunately, I had access to the email I used. My password was saved on my browser, so I didn't forget it. The system must have changed it on me. I've also noticed disappearing/ reappearing comments and SLOG filing me in on all Stranger bloggers when I requested posts by Dan Savage in particular.

It's like the Stranger just got a whole little swarm of bugs splattered against its windshield.
29
@Lindie: As one woman to another, the notion that being GGG requires you to accept painful intercourse to show what a good sport you are is just ridiculous.

It never occurred to me the LW might be so stupid as to need all of this explained to her.

A while back the mrs started settling into a particular position while giving me quicky blowjobs that made things a bit toothy. The first time it happened, I endured the scraping for a few minutes before I said anything because I didn't want to come off as ungrateful, and I thought I'd give it a chance to improve. Having shared this story, if some condescending douche started lecturing me that being a gentleman doesn't mean I have to endure pain, I tell him "from one man to another" to go fuck himself.

@undead: Is "deserves" really the choice of word you intended?

Yes, as in we all "deserve" someone who loves us just the way we are, Prince Alberts and all. God only knows what other interpretation your black heart conjured up.
30
Dear Dan,
My boyfriend likes to wear a small cactus on his dick as he is a nature-freak plant-lover and claims it enhances his pleasure. He says it's no big deal not to wear said cactus, but I wonder if I am somehow being a stick-in-the-mud because I'd rather not have my pussy shredded every time we have sex. What to do, what to do?

P.S. It also mades oral sex a tad bit unpleasant, but I want to be GGG. Does anyone else have this problem?
31
Ok guys, I have a PA and have for about 15 years. It was asked for by my husband who thinks they are sexy. Turns out having a weight attached to the head of your cock is very, very pleasurable. It makes for very intense sex and orgasms. There are downsides like the sitting-to-pee mentioned earlier and some very painful morning wood pajama entanglement situations.

Once I lost the ring when it fell out unexpectedly and found that I really missed it. I am not suggesting that everyone should go out and do it but there are real sexual reasons why someone might get this piercing and really enjoy it.
32
P.P.S. He also talked about setting it on fire before sticking it in, but I think I was able to talk him out of that notion, even though that made me feel even more guilty.
33
1. I also had to reset my password.

@Euda and Fichu/Crinoline. I think it this is exactly how GGG is being manipulated. While times change, people remain the same.

Back in my bad old dating days, I had guys give me trouble over the three date rule - have sex after three dates - and trouble over not doing anal. Sorry. I sleep with people when I feel like sleeping with people. That doesn't make me sex negative (hahaha, I slept with my now husband on the second date, cause he rang my bell like that). And I am allowed to like and dislike certain sex moves. Being in the South, when I got noise over anal I'd say, fine, if I can peg you. What, you aren't GGG?

And LW, you TOO are allowed to have likes and dislikes. And you are allowed to ... NOT like PAIN. You are allowed to even be vanilla if you want. You just have to find someone sexually compatible.

This guy is obviously not a douche, at least in this way, because he's taking it out as soon as he heard it caused you pain.

I mean, seriously, learn the concept of putting yourself in someone else's shoes. It isn't just about empathy. It's also about learning to enforce your own boundaries as well. Would YOU insist on pegging the guy knowing he is hurt by it and not turned on by it? NO of course not, because that would make you a sick Sadomasochist. He shouldn't expect you to do the same.

And he doesn't.

Nothing to see here.
34
@20 I too live many time zones from Seattle and don't read the rest of The Stranger. I was having the same problem and eventually figured out that the URL for Dan's blog has changed, and the old one automatically redirects to the general Slog feed. Bookmark this: http://www.thestranger.com/slog/authors/…

Eventually your browser's autofill will learn it.
35
@34: Thanks, KCFrance! This is a big help.
36
shefightslikeagirl@27 "A guy with a PA is going to sit to pee for the rest of his life. Just in case anyone is considering it."

Yes! As if drilling another hole in my cock wasn't reason enough to reject this, one of the best things about being a guy is you get to zip in, pee in a trough, and zip out of the restroom in under a minute! Not to mention peeing pretty much anywhere if you really have to go & facilities aren't at hand. Women get to have multiple orgasms, but I get to pee over the side of the boat. And, I'm not sure how much more "enhancing" my sexual experiences could stand...my circuits are mostly fried afterwards already.
37
Um, wow, break up. NJHEAP needs to cultivate a sense of self that isn't entirely predicated on other people before even considering dating or partnered sex, and NJHEAP's partner needs to get to the point where he views sex that is hurting his partners (not in a good way) as categorically unacceptable, not simply dispreferred, before he's ready to have sex partners. What the literal fuck.
38
No, nobody needs to break up here. Really, it's a non-situation. They tried it with - ouch. Then they tried it without - yay! As LW states, "he definitely preferred having sex with me when I enjoyed it." So they take it out beforehand and everything's fine. They just have to adjust, like @25 did. I just wonder why LW felt that this might merit a dumping. He compromised, and is perfectly fine with it. Why panic over nothing?
39
@seandr, that's really dimissive of the women who feel like their insides are being cut up during sex because of a PA.
40
@29: "Yes, as in we all "deserve" someone who loves us just the way we are, Prince Alberts and all. God only knows what other interpretation your black heart conjured up."

Were you born with a Prince Albert? It certainly isn't the way her partner came. I have no clue why you're going so far to argue that you know what's in her partner's interests when he has outright stated that it if causes her physical pain during intercourse that she's more important than the device. Yes, it's an instrument of pleasure for him, but it actively hurts her and prevents her from enjoying the act. It's an object, not something someone should throw a perfectly worthwhile relationship out over.
41
@39 I'm often unsure whether he's actively trolling to be "edgy" or honestly doesn't care.
42
You know, the fella could get a different piercing that is not on his actual penis, like a center- or side-located Hafada (or two). Perhaps that would suit his interest in having a piercing downstairs, yet accommodate the fact that a PA (& probably other head- & shaft-located piercings) doesn't work for his partner. Another thought is an Ampallang, which goes vertically through the head, and may 'fit' the vaginal opening (and perhaps the insides too?) better than a PA. The size of the jewellery is also a possible factor, perhaps downsizing would help. Yet another option is a glans-ring, a diminutive, non-pierced cockring that sits just behind the glans, which is something he could wear for personal fun when not having sex, and be able to quickly slip it off when sex is about to happen. Or who knows, keep it on for sex & see if it works, as it has a different profile and may suit his lady friend more amenably, or at more innocuously.
43
Great trade off Donny. Peeing over the side of a boat to multiple orgasms. But if you're happy, all good.
Some females can piss standing up.
It can shoot in odd directions, though.
44
I dated a guy with a PA. Rather large gauged jewelry too. It was absolutely amazing. Literally the best sex Ive ever had.
45
In the piercing shop near my home they sell pink silicon jewels with flat ends called "mantainers": they are soft and not obtrusive and they are used when someone needs to take off a metal jewel (say, for a job which requires a strict dress code or for medical devices like MRI). Maybe LW and her BF could try on one of them and see if it doesn't hurt.
I agree with all people saying that being GGG doesn't mean "you have to do everithing I like, no matter what".

And, DonnyK@36: I bought a device, like a sort of funnel, that allows me to pee while I'm standing up. No need to take off pants, just unzip, insert and go!
46
So I feel bad thinking that if things work out, he simply won’t be able to have it in during intercourse.
Add me to the list of Sloggers who've pointed out the LW's tendency for self-diminution i/o considering this wrinkle (no painful sex) as an irrevocable while completely reasonable part of her POA.

As she's so (overly) concerned about reestablishing her GGG creds with this particular partner, she can still offer handjobs (as mentioned above), tit fucking or intracrural (between the thighs) sex while he's wearing the PA - without hurting herself.
47
A relief to see that my comment was posted ... but I'm certainly NOT #0. Sigh.
48
I think waaay too many people deliberately misunderstand the concept of GGG. It doesn't mean you can never say no. It means you listen, even what your partner is requesting sounds strange or silly. You don't shut them down then instant you hear something you don't like. And if you try the kink you do so in good faith. You don't turn it into a weapon to use to guilt them or hurt them later.

And for the kinky partner you accept the good faith efforts even if they're not perfect, and you don't turn your sex life into 'the kink show' where that's all you ever talk about or do.

As for the LW I don't think the problem is the piercing, I think the problem is her lack of self-worth. If having sex without the PA is her 'price of admission' her boyfriend seems to willing to pay it. And #45 had some good ideas of how to work around it if the LW wants to try.
49
Xiao @12: I've dated a couple of guys with penis piercings. A Prince Albert doesn't make much difference, unless the penis/vagina length combination was such that the extra half-inch or so of jewelry meant the difference between cervical contact and not, as @25 describes. I didn't experience that problem. But one of my pierced guys added a larger, non-smooth ball as an "enhancement" that turned out to be anything but. Ouch.

If you want a penis piercing that does make a difference, try an ampallang. Oh My God. Hello G-spot stimulation. On the other hand, I couldn't give the guy head with the piercing in, it kept bashing against my molars. Though I do have a smaller mouth than most so YMMV there.

Agree Sean's out of line with his "you don't deserve him" attitude. If I take a lot of time to remove my pubic hair and end up dating someone who likes pubic hair, there's no "he doesn't deserve me" implicit. It's just different preferences. Sounds like this guy is happy to accommodate LW, so they've solved their own problem.
50
Thanks for the responses everyone. I never understood why any woman would want to screw a guy w/ a PA. I thought it was the opposite: a PA is for male chastity.

And I'm also not crazy for the problems I've had trying to log in to this site. A lot of changes lately @ the Stranger, and not for the better. It used to be progressive, instead of trying to be intellectually fashionable, the first with the Bon Mot, no matter how stupid or silly.