I'm a thirty-something hetro female, married for almost 16 years with three kids. Like many couples who have been together a long time, my husband and I have grown apart. I know this can be improved but there is part of the relationship that I am not sure can be fixed. Specifically, I have zero sexual attraction to him. But I don't know if this is related to us not making enough effort to maintain a good relationship and the attraction can come back with effort or if it gone forever. I don't want to split up my family but I also don't see how I can stay in this marriage when I never want to fuck my husband.

Making it all worse is the fact that I had a brief affair with a coworker and of course, the sex was amazing. I have never had such a strong physical attraction as I do to him. We've ended it but I still see him frequently at work, so it's a constant reminder of the sexual passion that is lacking in my relationship. I'm committed to trying to make things work with my husband but in your experience, is it possible to save a marriage when the physical chemistry is lacking for one partner?

Lack Of Sexual Tension

Quick question: When you were having that affair… did you find yourself having more sex (or any sex) with your husband? — Dan

Initially we did have more sex. I think on some subconscious level he knew something was going on because he suddenly was initiating sex a lot more. — LOST

The sex with your husband during your affair: was it sex you enjoyed? Were you more attracted to—or open to, or interested in—sex with your husband during your affair? — Dan

I enjoyed it because, physically speaking, my husband knows what I like. But I closed my eyes and pretended he was my lover. I wasn't more attracted to my husband but I found myself turning him down less during the time I was having an affair. I think partly out of a sense of guilt and partly because I was constantly in a state of feeling turned on during the affair. — LOST

Monogamy is gonna kill your marriage—eventually you'll want out (because you're gonna wanna to have sex with someone you actually wanna have sex with), or your husband is gonna want out (because there's only so much rejection he can take).

You have two choices, LOST:

1. Resume discreetly cheating on your husband, aka doing what you need to do to stay married and stay sane. The fact that your affair improved his sex life too, since your state of near-constant arousal led you to reject your husband less often, should take a little edge off the guilt.

2. Ask your husband to open up your marriage. You do it honestly and directly ("Let's have sex with other people, okay?") or less honestly and less directly ("I don't want out of our marriage, I love him and I love our family, but the sex has broken and I wouldn't blame you—and I wouldn't divorce you—if you sought sex elsewhere.")

Good luck. — Dan