Romney: People still listen to me, right?
Romney: "People still listen to me, right?" Andrew Cline / Shutterstock.com

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Mitt Romney is probably not running for president again, so why has he popped on our nation's greatest political forum, Saturday Night Live?

It looks as though he's been drafted by the Republican establishment in the anyone-but-Trump arsenal. This is an unfathomable tactic. Who is the audience that Mitt Romney is supposed to activate? Mormons, I guess?

So far, Mitt's contributions to the circus have been a speech about how undignified Trump is, and a robocall on behalf of Marco Rubio. So far, the speech has had the effect of INCREASING support for Trump, so if the robocalls are effective we may be living in a Trump caliphate by the end of April.

There was a brief rumor swirling that Romney was actually planning to run, but that seems to have been a little hysteria over nothing. The paperwork that was filed was apparently some routine nothing, triggered by an address change. Sorry, Mitt fans. (Although he did say that he would run if party leadership asked him to, so there's that.)

But if you're a likely Republican voter living in Michigan, Mississippi, Idaho, or Hawaii, you may be getting a phone call from America's favorite Romney this afternoon. "If we Republicans were to choose Donald Trump as our nominee, I believe that the prospects for a safe and prosperous future would be greatly diminished," his robo-voice says. "I’m convinced Donald Trump would lose to Hillary Clinton."

Let's hope so, Mitt. Let's hope so.

Idaho has a petty hefty Mormon population; and Hawaii has a few LDS outposts here and there (in fact it's where the Mormon church started its program to block marriage for same-sex couples, all the way back in the 1980s).

But Mitt Romney's glittering starpower notwithstanding, he might not be the savior they need right now. Apparently, after his speech about what a jerk Trump is, voters were MORE likely to support him. After all, if you're inclined to appreciate Trump, Romney represents everything he's not, down to the sensible hair.

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Also, I hate to point this out, but Romney used to be pretty cozy with Trump. "I'm so honored and pleased to have his endorsement," Romney said in 2012. "Donald Trump has shown an extraordinary ability to understand how our economy works to create jobs for the American people."

A bit of a change from 2016, when suddenly "he's far from a business genius." Thank you, Mitt, for demonstrating why normal humans hate politics so much: It's all lies and manipulation and saying whatever's convenient in the hopes that nobody will notice or care.

So knock it off, Republicans. Ditch Romney, like voters did four years ago, and find a messenger whose appeal can actually compete. Like Jesse Ventura. Or how about Gallagher, is he a Republican? Or George Hamilton, his skin seems to be made out of a similar polymer to Trump's. I'm kind of afraid to open this line of inquiry, though, because at this rate we're probably only a few election cycles away from folks like those being the only candidates we have to choose from.

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