Hey! Did you catch last night's lady-centric edition of The Walking Dead? Second question: Would you like to chitty-chat about it? Hurrah! Then welcome to The Walking Dead Chitty-Chat Club which will kick off after the jump with tons of spoiler-filled fun! LET'S GET WALKIN'.
Here's what I'm thinking about last night's episode, "Here's Not Here."
1) Let's pick up right where we left off last week, shall we? As you remember, Rick led his rangers on a very murder-y George W. Bush-ian preemptive strike on one of Negan's outposts—and would have been totes successful except Maggie and Carol were kidnapped by Negan's women soldiers, who I shall refer to as "Negan's Angels"... although I'm already kind of regretting it. Anyway, a Negan douchebag (the Angel's Bosley) comes storming out of the woods at Maggie and Carol, but instead of putting a bullet in his noggin, Carol only wounds him. M & C argue about killing him, which gives Negan's Angels a chance to get the drop on them. (Actually "Negan's Angels" is starting to grow on me.)
2) After a tense walkie-talkie negotiation with Rick, Paula (who's like the Sabrina of Negan's Angels), gathers everyone up and takes them to a hideout (apparently an old slaughter house?) and sticks a tied-up Maggie and Carol into a room called the "Kill Floor." (Ooh, I think I saw this place on Airbnb. I wanna stay there just so I can sign the guest book.) And now... LET THE SUBTLE MIND MANIPULATIONS BEGIN!
3) Even though Carol left her "mom sweater" back at Alexandria, she tricks the Angels (and probably gullible Maggie) into thinking she's having a hyperventilation attack, in order to get them to remove their gags. Angel Paula sees Carol's rosary beads—lifted off a dead zombie—and pegs her as just another weak-ass mewling Christian... who continue to have a terrible reputation even after the apocalypse. Carol is all like, "Boo-hoo-hoo don't hurt us, and especially don't hurt THE BABY (staring pointedly at Maggie's tummy)." Classic smart hostage behavior, Carol! A++, would kidnap again.
4) Anyway, Bosley is all pissed off because Carol shot him, and when Angel Paula tells him to shut up and sit down, Bosley smacks her in the chops. Carol leg tackles him (go, Carol) and gets a rib-kicking for her efforts. Thankfully, Angel Paula hops up and knocks his abusive ass OUT. Sweet dreams, Bosley! Maggie is dragged to the other room by Chelle (who's like the Kelly of Negan's Angels), who attempts to get information out of her prisoner, but ends up spilling her guts to Maggie! (Negan's gang apparently never watched any episodes of 24.)
5) Carol tries to bond with Angel Paula by sharing stories about her being abused by ex-husband Ed. But Paula ain't hearing it—and relates her own story about she overcame being a "weak little bird" by murdering her former boss. (Hmmm... something tells me I'm not going to fare very well in the post-apocalypse.) Carol tries to convince the Angels that Rick can be trusted, which pisses off Molly (who really doesn't look anything like Jill from Charlie's Angels... but we're so deep into this comparison, there's no turning back now). Angel Molly is like, "So if Rick is so trustworthy (hack, hack, hacking up blood), why did you guys murder our biker gang on the road?" Molly is of course referring to a previous episode where Daryl and this season's best new character Convenient Rocket Launcher blew the shit out of a bunch of Negan's guys. Carol is like, "Weeeeeeeellll... we heard Negan is a maniac, aaaaaand... we don't like maniacs?" Angel Paula gives Carol "a look," turns to the camera and says, "We are ALL Negan!" DUNN-DUNN-DUNNNNNNNNH!
6) While Carol may be acting like a "weak little bird," she's also developed a real distaste for murder, and is afraid of going any further down that path. That's why she begs Angel Paula to negotiate with Rick, so she doesn't have to kill her. Angel Paula sets up a prisoner exchange with Rick at a nearby open field... you know, that one with the big "God is Dead" billboard? (Hopefully they don't get it confused with the "There IS proof for God" billboards all over Portland. SIDEBAR: Christians are so fucking stupid. It should read, "There is proof OF God," not "FOR God." Uggh. God must be so embarrassed.
7) ANYWAY! Carol sharpens up her rosary beads, escapes, and frees Maggie. Carol is like, "Let's not murder them, 'k?" But Maggie's like the fucking Tasmanian Devil at this point, and wants to kill 'em all! This debate is settled when Angel Chelle swipes at Maggie's pregnant tummy with a knife, and Carol is like, "OH HELL NO, DIE, DIE, DIEEEEEEEEE!" Maggie lets Bosley bleed out on the floor, which turns him into a zombie, which Carol uses as a death trap for Angel (hack, hack) Molly. (Bye, bye, Molly! You were gonna die anyway.) Meanwhile, Angel Paula gets shot by Carol, impaled on a spike, and face-eaten by a zombie. GOOD NIGHT, ANGELS! Okay, Carol! So you can stop murdering people now, right?
8) WRONG! Carol then lures two of Negan's brutes into the "Kill Floor" AirBnB room and burns them alive with a cigarette and gasoline. (And probably the guest book, too! Fuck that place... I'll just book a room at the Mariott.) Right on cue, Rick's Rangers show up, and Carol and Maggie proclaim they are officially out of the murder business. (Good luck with that.) Rick's hostage tells him, "Actually, butthole, I'M NEGAN!" Rick's all like, "Cool. That makes things convenient," and blows his head off. Guess we'll find out next week if Carol has connected the dots and realized that there's only ONE Negan and the rest are all posers! (All I'm saying is that Daryl needs to keep Convenient Rocket Launcher locked and loaded!)
9) Aaaaand FIN. What did you think of that episode? I thought it was pretty good! I love a lady-centric Dead episode, and both Carol and Maggie turned in great performances. Plus it really muddied up the ethical waters in regards to Rick's murder spree, huh? Okay, guys! Only THREE EPISODES left in this season, which means... "Will the REAL Negan (and his bat) please stand up?" SEE YOU NEXT WEEK!