Just imagine what it would be like to look down between your legs and see Ted Cruz down there making this face.
Just imagine what it would be like to look down between your legs and see Ted Cruz down there making this face. Trevcor Collens / Shutterstock.com

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As Savage pointed out earlier, here are some things that the National Enquirer was right about: the John Edwards affair; Tiger Woods having an affair; Jesse Jackson having a son out of wedlock; Rush Limbaugh being addicted to drugs; Mel Gibson and Bill Joel divorcing (those were two separate stories, alas); Bristol Palin's pregnancy.

To be fair, the National Enquirer gets a lot of things wrong: Carol Burnett sued and won over a story that she was publicly drunk; they reported on a fabricated gay sex ring tied to the Elizabeth Smart abduction; they had to apologize for reporting that Cameron Diaz was caught having an affair.

So now they're saying Ted Cruz has been sleeping around. Could it be true? We don't know yet. But we do know that Ted Cruz is a moralizing religious anti-gay bigot, and those guys NEVER have skeletons in their closets.

Until the truth comes out, we'll just have to enjoy the shit show that the tabloid set off.

For example, Ted Cruz accused "Donald Trump and his henchmen" of planting the story. No word yet on who those henchmen are, but I'm guessing it was probably Beebop and Rocksteady.

And who knows, Cruz might actually be right about that — maybe Trump did have something to do with the story. There's been a weird simmering sexist battle between the two of them over the last week. It started when an anti-Trump SuperPAC called "Make America Awesome" (ughhhhhh) put out an ad accusing Trump of marrying a slut. Seriously, that's the whole message. It features a photo of Trump's wife in a sexy pose, and they ran it in Utah, probably to capitalize on Mormon anti-porn anxiety.

(Speaking of moral outrage hypocrisy, Utah is the #1 state in porn consumption.)

Trump accused Cruz of orchestrating the ad and said he'd "spill the beans" on Cruz's wife. Then the National Enquirer story came out. What a weird coincidence.

And guess what — the coincidences don't end there. The Enquirer published photos of the women they think had sex with Cruz, with a little blurring and a black bar over their eyes. (Sidenote: why does anyone think that bar-over-eyes trick renders people anonymous? Humans also have recognizable noses and mouths and hair, you know.)

It didn't take long for the internet to figure out who three of the women are: one of them appears to be former Cruz friend and current Trump staffer Katrina Pierson. Another seems like it could be Sarah Isgur Flores, who worked — gee whiz — on the Carly Fiorina campaign. And the third identified lady looks like Amanda Carpenter, and would you believe she's the former communications director for Ted Cruz?

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Not too surprisingly, the ladies in question say it's not true. (I was hoping one of them would be like "not if you paid me a million bucks would I sleep with a man comprised entirely of jowls" but so far they've been fairly restrained.) Ted Cruz also denies it.

And honestly, when it comes to governance, who the fuck cares who Ted Cruz has slept with? Let him have his fun with as few women as he likes, and if we want to take him seriously as a politician let's attack him for his terrible, horrible, rotten, disgusting policies.

But since he's in the middle of running for national office, he is not a politician right now. He's an entertainer, and a traveling reality-show star. Scandal and sex are fundamental elements of that world, so let's all enjoy it while it lasts, and try not to think about how at the end of this circus a whole bunch of clowns may wind up in charge of the country.

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