Hello! Did you watch last night's penultimate edition of The Walking Dead? DID IT MAKE YOU FRIKKIN' KA-RAZY?!? Me, too. Hit the jump for a spoiler-filled recap of last night's episode, in which I shall scream and yell about all the big dumb dum-dums who did a lot of dum-dum things! LET'S START CHITTY-CHATTING!


Ill use the power of Christ to protect me from your guns, and... why are you laughing?
"I'll use the power of Christ to protect me from your guns, and... why are you laughing?"

Here's what I'm thinking about last night's episode, "East."


1) Apparently Carol wasn't joking when she said she was tired of murdering non-Walkers, because after a quick snog with her lumpy Alexandria boyfriend, she packs up and hits the road... which is full of evil people who are practically begging her to kill them. THIS DOES NOT MAKE SENSE, DUM-DUM CAROL! (Meanwhile, Carl's Jr. finds a gun with "Lucille" engraved on the handle, and he's like, "Huh. That's weird." OH, IT IS MUCH MORE THAN WEIRD, CARL'S JR., AS YOU WILL FIND OUT PROBABLY IN THE NEXT EPISODE.) Otherwise, it's a normal day in Alexandria, with Glenn and Maggie taking a sexy shower (that turns decidedly unsexy when Maggie is reminded of her bruises), and Rick and Michonne doing some nude spooning in bed. Rick is all like, "Man, isn't Alexandria the greatest? And aren't we so great? And isn't it cool that no one can touch us, and everything will be, like, great, like, forever?" This is what's known as "hubris," Rick. Get ready to meet Lucille.


2) Hey, hey, whoa! Whoa! Why's Daryl roaring away on his motorcycle? Apparently he's still pissed about the Saviors murdering Dr. Denise with his own crossbow (irony!), and he... will... have... REVENGE!!! "Come back, dum-dum!" screams Glenn, Michonne, and Sgt. McSexy who run after him, ALSO like a bunch of dum-dums. Then lumpy boyfriend brings Carol's dum-dum runaway note to Rick, and like a big fucking dum-dum ALSO runs after Carol with fellow (and practically useless) dum-dum Morgan, thereby leaving Alexandria practically unprotected. OH DEAR GOD, YOU PEOPLE.


3) Carol is driving her Road Warrior car down the highway when she's stopped by a truckload of threatening creepy dudes. Carol warns them that she and her crucifix will murder them all if they don't back off—which is exactly what happens (with a little help from the machine gun she had tucked away in her coat sleeve). But instead of stealing the bad guys' truck, she takes off across the field followed by the one dude she left alive. OH, CAROL. YOU BIG DUM-DUM.


4) Rick and Morgan follow the blood trail to a farm where somebody is trying to fend off some walkers. Rick says, "I know how to solve this problem—by SHOOTING THE VICTIM!" (????) Morgan blocks the shot, and the guy escapes. This provides Morgan another opportunity to blather on and on about how "all life is precious." SNORE!!! As an example he tells the story about how the evil Wolf saved Dr. Denise, who in turn saved Carl's Jr. "See???" Morgan says. "It's a full circle." That's not a "full circle," dum-dum. A full circle would be evil Wolf saving Dr. Denise who saves Carl's Jr., who then saves the evil Wolf. Yours is a three-quarter circle at best, Morgan! SHEESH, YOU PEOPLE. Anyway, Morgan tells Rick to return to Alexandria because that will make their fruitless dumb search for Carol one-half less dumb. NOW THAT'S THE SMARTEST THING ANYONE'S SAID ALL DAY.


5) Back at the ranch, Maggie gets Enid to give her a short 'n' sassy haircut because she "doesn't want anything in her way." Unfortunately this is interrupted by Maggie clutching her stomach from what is either a miscarriage or the rancid pickles she ate earlier that day. On the upside, her hair looks adorbs!


6) Meanwhile in dum-dum search party #2, Glenn, Michonne, and Sgt.McSexy catch up with Daryl and try to convince him that he's an IDIOT for going off alone to take on the Saviors. Daryl's all like, "Y'all jest git yerselves on back to Alexandry, ya dad-blamed galoots! Ah'm-a-gonna kill them there Saviors if it's the last ding-dang thang I do! Yeeeeee-haw!" (I'm from Alabama, so I speak fluent hillbilly.) Daryl storms off with Sgt. McSexy in hot pursuit—because everything she does is hot. Naturally Glenn and Michonne are immediately caught by the Saviors (led by Burn Victim Dwight), and when Daryl and Sgt. McSexy try to rescue them, they're caught as well, BECAUSE OH MY GOD, THESE GUYS ARE SUCH DUM-DUMS.


7) Oh, and in the final shot, Burn Victim Dwight fires his gun, splattering Daryl's blood all over the camera. And while B.V. Dwight may be telling him, "You'll be alright," who's going to pay the camera man's dry cleaning bill? This should prove more than ever that Alexandria should buy "dum-dum insurance."


8) Aaaaaaad fin. So, WHAT DID YOU THINK OF THAT EPISODE? Uggggh, so frustrating, right? I know they have to set up the gang's horrifying meeting with Negan (and Lucille) in next week's 90 minute season finale, but does everyone have to be such dumb dum-dums? OH WELL, looks like Alexandria will getting an education whether they like it or not (and they won't). JOIN ME FOR ALL THE BLOODY SEASON-ENDING FUN NEXT WEEK!


Sniff. Sniff. Waaaait a second. Do I smell burning flesh?
"Sniff. Sniff. Waaaait a second. Do I smell burning flesh?"