Hello fans of The Walking Dead and/or sadism! Did you watch last night's tediously nail-biting season ending episode? Well, it was certainly an hour-and-a-half of something! Let's recap the episode with lots of spoilery-spoilers after the jump, because it's (sniff!) the final WALKING DEAD CHITTY CHAT CLUB of the year! Let's get chatting.
Here's what I'm thinking about the season ending episode, "Last Day on Earth."
1) The episode opens with the camera offering a POV shot of someone who is obviously going in and out of consciousness inside some sort of container, while muffled voices are heard outside. I mention this now, because it plays into what will be MY SUPER AWESOME GUESS ABOUT WHO GOT BASEBALL BAT BLUDGEONED AT THE END OF THE EPISODE! Oh my god, will you be impressed by my brilliance!
2) Okay, so let's just rush through the plot and get to the end because it was nail-bitingly BORING. Morgan is still looking for Carol (and her sweater) and finds a horse to ride, which makes him look super hot. He finds her injured at a library—you can find SO MUCH at your local library!—as well as a bunch of other victims of the Saviors. Unfortunately, Carol is all like, "Leave me alone! I'm a murdering butthole, and I don't deserve to live!" Morgan bores us with more of his "all life is precious" bullpoop (eye roll), and insists they get a good night sleep and leave in the morning. SURPRISE! Carol takes off without him in the morning, and runs into one of the injured Saviors she shot in the last episode. This guy looks exactly like my Uncle Cal (who is a dick), so it doesn't surprise me when he shoots Carol in the leg and arm to torture her. But too bad for him, because she's all like, "Ha! Ha! Ha! Actually, I want to die, person who looks like Humpy's Uncle Carl!" And she's about to get her wish when sexy Morgan rides up on his sexy horse to gun Uncle Carl down. FUCK YOU, UNCLE CARL! Carol boo-hoos, "OH BOO-HOO-HOO! Why didn't you let me die, Sexy Morgan?" And he's like, "You're not getting rid of me that easy! Now let's get on my sexy horse and ride out of here! HI-HO SILVER, AWAAAAAAY!" Annnnd... fade out.
3) Yeah, pretty boring.
4) Now let's recount the "A" story, which involves Rick's Rangers trying to get miscarriage-ing Maggie (who looks like shit, and not just because of her new awful haircut) to a doctor at the Hilltop colony. He takes Carl's Junior and Fat Elvis with him ("DURRRR! ME AM DUMB!") and leaves Rev. McChickenshit in charge of Alexandria ("DURRRR! ME AM DUMB!"). Along for the ride are G.I. Ginger, Sasha, and Aaron (whose sudden appearance after episodes of absence cannot bode well for him). OKAY, SET UP OVER. Now settle back for a hilarious hour of Rick's RV getting trapped at various roadblocks by the Saviors, WITHOUT EVER REALIZING THEY'RE BEING LED INTO A TRAP. Just once, I wish Rick would've looked directly at the camera just once and said, "DURRRR! ME AM DUMB!"
5) So even though it was boring, the episode still left me with an icky feeling in my stomach (possibly from the nails in my tummy that I bit off), because I knew what was coming at the end: the introduction of Negan and his girlfriend substitute, Lucille, the barbed wire-covered baseball bat. As Rick sadly discovers, Negan already has Michonne, Daryl and Sgt. McSexy, which means all the main characters of this show are down on their knees and about to pay a very heavy price for Rick acting like George W. Bush and pulling a preemptive murder spree on Negan's people. Once again..."DURRRR! ME AM DUMB!"
6) Naturally, Rick is about to POOP HIS PANTS—which is the funniest and most gratifying thing I've seen all season. Negan explains his "new world order" which is basically "give me your shit, and I will let you live." (This is coincidentally a phrase I often use during our editorial meetings.) However! In order for this new deal to work, someone has to have their brains bashed out by Lucille the bat. SO WHO WILL IT BE?? Negan does the eeny-meeny-miny-moe routine on the gang (very immature, btw), and... here comes the camera POV shot again... WHAMMO, WHAMMO, WHAMMO! Beats the viewer to death with the bat. (Something tells me the Walking Dead writers don't like you very much.) Annnnnd... scene! End of season! Satisfied? OF COURSE YOU AREN'T.
7) I know The Walking Dead is known for its cliff-hangers, but this one was pretty unsatisfying. That being said, let's spend the next few months theorizing which brat was beat on the head with a baseball bat! Well, it can't be Carl's Junior because Negan tells his pals to yank out Carl's spare eyeball if anyone else moves. And while it might be Glenn, because that's what went down in the comic version—the TV show loooooves to fuck with the comic book, so I would not be surprised if they go with someone else. So I'm gonna guess it's either Fat Elvis, Daryl, or Sgt. McSexy. HERE COMES MY BRILLIANT THEORY: Remember the POV shot at the beginning? That was mirrored at the end, which could mean the bashed brain was somebody stuck in the Savior's van. It won't be Michonne, because OBVIOUSLY. It might be Daryl, because he's so wounded, and possibly no longer useful to Negan. It might also be Sgt. McSexy which would drive G.I. Ginger (and people who love sexy people) IN-SANE. But when push comes to shove, I think it's gonna be Fat Elvis. They made a big to-do about him changing his tune (about being a one-time coward) and giving the magic bullet formula to Rick—AND Negan is a smart guy who doesn't want to lose anyone that would really contribute to his new world order (namely tough people). Remember how Negan looked surprised that the victim was taking the baseball bat beating like "a champ"? That's why I'm going with Fat Elvis. BUT WHAT THE STINK DO I KNOW, RIGHT?
8) Anyway, my fave part was the intro of Negan, who's played by the freaking amazing Jeffrey Dean Morgan—who also played a ghost on Grey's Anatomy! HE IS OBJECTIVELY AWESOME IN THIS PART, and if I was going to be bludgeoned with a bat by anyone, it would be him. And even though this episode was a nail-biting snooze, I think this season was pretty good overall, and a big step up from the "stop at a new place, stay there until everyone is bored shitless" plots the Walking Dead has relied on in the past.
9) BUT WHAT DID YOU THINK? Put your theories and opinions in the comments below, and join me again in the fall for the next season. Because I just can't quit you, Walking Dead!