America needs a Commander in Chief who understands that the correct length of a necktie is long enough to tap you right on your taint.
America needs a Commander in Chief who understands that the correct length of a necktie is long enough to tap you right on your taint. Crush Rush / Shutterstock.com

"I have so many women that really want to have protection, and they like me for that reason," Trump said yesterday at diner.

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What are you even talking about, Donald? Protection from what? What do women want protection from? Please explain yourself, you yeti rolled in Cheeto dust.

"A lot of women are saying ... we like Donald Trump because he's going to be the strongest for the country in terms of protection in terms of the border in terms of ISIS in terms of other countries. ... That's protecting women."

Ah okay. So, in order, women want protection from (a) foreigners, (b) foreign terrorists, and (c) foreign countries. But what about a danger that lurks far closer to home? What about the danger posed by women themselves?

You've probably heard that Trump said that he wants to ban abortions and that "there has to be some form of punishment" for women who have the audacity to assert autonomy over their delicate feminine wombs.

Men, he added, shouldn't have to face any consequences. Of course.

A New York Times reporter asked him last week if he ever dated anyone who got an abortion. "What's your next question?" he responded. My next question would have been "Why didn't you answer my last question?" but hey whatever no need to be rude and press the issue, I guess, he's only running for President of the United States.

And he's standing by what he calls a "great answer," inasmuch as Donald Trump stands by anything. "That was not a wrong answer," he said yesterday about his woman-punishing policy. "There were other people that wrote me letters by the hundreds saying that was a great answer to that question the way it was raised."

Hahaha, letters? For real? You got letters from people who took the time to sit down at a desk, take out a pen or pencil or crayon, draft up a little personal message about how much they appreciated your words, then slap a stamp on it and wander town until they found the last remaining mailbox? Yes, that is DEFINITELY a thing that happened.

Trump's lies are usually big, but I kind of wish reporters would call him out on the smallest ones. Really fixate on bullshit like this "letters" business, like, "Wait, hundreds? How many hundreds? Did you personally count them or do you have someone who counts your mail for you? Do you have a dedicated mailroom just for correspondence about punishing women? Do you still have the letters? Can we see them? Can you show me one? Just one. Who opens all these hundreds of letters? Do they only open letters, or do they also do general assistant stuff like get coffee, order staples, and adjust your weave in the morning?"

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After Donald delivered that line about "women really want to have protection," he gazed down at a woman sitting at crotch-level next to him in a diner. "I love your power," she said. I swear to God am not making this up.

Also this week Donald's wife Melania said a few words about him. "As you may know by now, when you attack him he will punch back 10 times harder," she told audiences, and I am legitimately concerned about her. When his campaign manager grabbed a female reporter so hard she had bruises, Trump said, "How do you know those bruises weren't there before?" So yeah, I guess there's a reason he's heard from women who feel like they need protection.