Good morning, Slog! Thanks to Mother Jones and Ted Cruz's former college roommate... we get to think about Ted Cruz laying back in his bed in college dorm, slipping his right hand into his ripe boxer shorts, and slowly and carefully cranking one out while his traumatized college roommate pretends to sleep in the next bed.


Take it away, Mother Jones:

In 2007, Cruz's legal team, working on behalf of then-Attorney General Greg Abbott (who now is the governor), filed a 76-page brief calling on the US Court of Appeals for the Fifth Circuit to uphold the lower court's decision and permit [a Texas law banning the sale of dildos] to stand.... The brief compared the use of sex toys with "hiring a willing prostitute or engaging in consensual bigamy," and it equated advertising these products with the commercial promotion of prostitution. In perhaps the most noticeable line of the brief, Cruz's office declared, "There is no substantive-due-process right to stimulate one's genitals for non-medical purposes unrelated to procreation or outside of an interpersonal relationship." That is, the pursuit of such happiness had no constitutional standing. And the brief argued there was no "right to promote dildos, vibrators, and other obscene devices."

Ted Cruz doesn't think you have a constitutional right to masturbate. He's not alone in this: Antonin Scalia (RIP) warned that finding anti-sodomy laws unconstitutional would endanger laws against "masturbation, adultery, [and] fornication." Cruz was laughed out of court and Texas's ban on the sale of dildos and other sex toys—which had led to the arrest of at least one woman—was declared unconstitutional. Mother Jones sums up the ruling: "No, government officials could not claim as part of their job duties the obligation to reduce masturbation or non-procreative sexual activity."

The Internet was still processing today's big dildo story when Craig Mazin, Ted Cruz's former college roommate, jumped on Twitter to share this with all of us:

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For the record: No one who isn't Ted Cruz wants to think about Ted Cruz jacking it in his college dorm room while his traumatized roommate pretended to sleep—or on his campaign bus while his traumatized staffers pretend to sleep or in his home while his traumatized wife pretends to sleep—but no one who isn't Ted Cruz would go into court and argue that the state should be able to regulate Ted Cruz's masturbatory preferences (dry hand, lubed hand, or masturbatory sleeve; dildo, butt plug, or vibrating egg for solo anal stimulation, etc.).

And finally: you gotta love the pic Mother Jones chose for their Ted Cruz v. Dildos story...