Is he a man? Or endless Destruction walking the Earth, seeking retribution for the human Age of Reason?
Is he a man? Or endless Destruction walking the Earth, seeking retribution for the human Age of Reason? a katz /

Okay, so he's probably not the Zodiac Killer. But did Ted Cruz assassinate JFK?

You'd probably answer "no" if you get all of your information from "the media" and "available evidence" and "the fact that Ted Cruz wasn't even alive then."

But what if you are Donald Trump? In the case, the answer to that question is the same as the answer to all questions: an inescapable howling sound that reaches deep into the soul of all who hear it and drains us of feeling and desire, exposing us to a terrifying lawless infinity where all outcomes are possible if one only wishes for them to be so, and yet only the darkest desires of man may become manifest.

The shorter answer is "I don't know, maybe."

So, just to be clear, there is no evidence that the Cruz family had anything to do with the JFK assassination aside from an old photo where someone who looks like Ted's dad Rafael is visible in proximity to someone who looks like Lee Harvey Oswald.

"What was he doing with Lee Harvey Oswald shortly before the death — before the shooting? It’s horrible," said Trump, or the swamp creature that has disguised itself as Trump. "What is this, right prior to his being shot, and nobody even brings it up. They don't even talk about that. That was reported and nobody talks about it. But I think it's horrible."

So a single weird photo is the extent of the evidence that anyone has to link the Cruz family with Oswald's bouncing bullet. But that's good enough for Donald Trump, who in addition to being the presumptive Republican nominee may also be supernatural creature who steals men's souls.

When he brought up the photograph, Trump was responding to some equally insane comments from Rafael Cruz. Ted's dad was explaining how they all decided that Ted should run for office, and said that they actually didn't decide it at all — oh no, in fact, a magical voice made the choice for them:

It was a Sunday. We were all at his church, First Baptist Church in Houston, including his senior staff. After the church service, we all gathered at the pastor’s office. We were on our knees for two hours seeking God’s will. At the end of that time, a word came through his wife, Heidi. And the word came, just saying, “Seek God’s face, not God’s hand.” And I’ll tell you, it was as if there was a cloud of the holy spirit filling that place. Some of us were weeping, and Ted just looked up and said, “Lord, here am I, use me. I surrender to you, whatever you want.” And he felt that was a green light to move forward.

Ah okay, nice, after an hours-long process of kneeling and chanting, someone came up with a goofy little slogan, and so now you are the chosen one? Okay, good, that's been the basis for many a strong system of government throughout human history.

So Rafael says that a supernatural being wants his son to be president. Trump says that Rafael = JFK assassination. Ted Cruz tried to shake a man's hand but found it yanked away before he could complete the transaction, possibly because reality has been transformed into a sickening wormhole that mocks your feeble linear existence.

Also, today is the Indiana Republican primary and Trump is forecast to win by a margin of 10.4 percentage points, that is if you still believe in a reality where numbers exist.