I don't expect a reply, as I'm sure you get a zillion emails a day. But, I figured it's worth a shot.
My wife and I have been together for going on four years now. We started off as an open couple, and gradually became more exclusive as our feelings for each other deepened. Up until relatively recently, the sex was quite amazing. Pretty much anything went (except scat play and super gross stuff), and she gave the best BJ's ever—and I mean that.
My Mrs. has a genetic condition which affects the soft tissue in her body: everything from ligaments and joints, to her skin and digestive track. I believe I do my best to be as supportive as possible, but it's certainly challenging. Our sex life has taken a dive, and we're not nearly as adventurous as we used to be—it's pretty much just vanilla missionary these days, as it's all her body can handle. Her pain has become a major turn-off for me. We don't do any of the stuff we used to. Frequency is also an issue. We used to do it multiple times daily, and now it's less than once a fortnight. Because of these issues, I feel like we've been drifting apart.
It all came to a head the other day.
I found a cache of her old dick-sucking pictures, which I'd seen before, and thought she'd deleted after I asked her to. Why would she need them, right? Needless to say, I was, and still am, very angry, and hurt. Why would she keep them? Reminiscing about better days and better cocks?
I deleted them. That probably wasn't my place—but on the flip side, I don't give a Tally-ho fuck.
As a result of this discovery, I'm now 100% disinterested in sex. To make matters worse, I feel like I can't even open up about it, as her pain can make her quite irritable, and I'm sick of getting yelled at through no fault of my own. I feel like I can't talk to her about anything anymore, let alone our sex life.
Let me say for the record: I'm not a selfish lover. She always orgasms multiple times if/when we ever have sex. I love cunnilingus, and I love foreplay. Nor am I a neglectful husband. Our roles have been switched for some time—for reasons I won't delve into—and I'm essentially the housewife now. I do all the chores, 100% of the cooking, most of the cleaning, laundry, walking dog, etc., while she works. I think I'm a pretty damned good partner.
You're probably gonna say this is all my fault anyway. How dare I be such an insensitive prick, etc. And maybe you're right. I just don't know what to do anymore, and I'm sick of feeling this way.
Hopefully you can help.
Not Having Sex
I'm not gonna call you an insensitive prick, NHS. I'll leave that to the commenters. Instead I'm gonna urge you to put things in perspective and to use your words.
You say your wife's pain is a "major turn-off" for you. I imagine it's a much worse turn off for her—and pain probably explains not just why she's less interested in/capable of sex, but also why she's short tempered and why she can't do as much around the house. (The pain and perhaps working "outside the home," aka "paying the bills," while you stay at home playing/grousing about being the "housewife.") Taking care of someone who is chronically ill and consequently short-tempered can be stressful, I realize. But instead of directing all your anger and resentment at your wife, NHS, you could work at directing some of your anger at the condition that's impacting her quality of life, her enjoyment of sex, and tearing at your marriage. Some or all of your anger.
A little more perspective...
About those old blowjob pics... if they're really old, and if she's gotten a new computer once or twice, it's possible she accidentally saved multiple versions of those dick-sucking pics. (I've wound up with multiple copies of some files after sloppily backing up my computers.) Which means it's possible she deleted a file full of blowjob pics—at your dopey request—without realizing there were other copies of the same dick-sucking pics files lurking in other files on her hard drive.
Or maybe she held on to those pics because she likes to reminisce about her better/healthier days and, yes, reminisce about other men's cocks. (Other does not necessarily equal better. And do you ever reminisce about other women's tits?) If your wife's condition isn't gonna get any better—if it's progressive and degenerative—and your formerly sexually-adventurous wife is now limited to missionary position sex for the rest of her life, NHS, memories are the only sexual adventures she gets to go on these days. If given a choice between getting over my pathetic insecurities and denying my ailing spouse whatever memories and mementos bring her pleasure, NHS, I hope I would be loving and sane enough to choose the former.
And now... using your words.
You and your wife used to be in an open relationship and it may be time to talk about reopening your relationship. This won't be an easy conversation, NHS, and I worry you don't have a high enough emotional IQ to discuss your sex life without assigning blame or lashing out. So go find yourself a couples counselor who works with people in open and/or poly relationships, have a few sessions with them alone, figure out what you want and how to ask for it, and then ask for it—maybe during a few sessions with your counselor.
If you approach this with the right attitude—and that seems like a big "if," NHS, based on your letter—you might get there. My hunch is that no longer being solely responsible for your sexual fulfillment might come as a relief to your wife.
Good luck and stay out of the comments.
Listen to my podcast, the Savage Lovecast, at www.savagelovecast.com.