Who the hell would agree to settle down and co-parent with someone they have been dating for a few months? That girlfriend probably feels overwhelmed. Yah, she probably does have feelings to sort out with regards to her past pregnancy, and demanding that she sort them out with you, LW, is also invasive and overwhelming. Girlfriend probably just assumes the marriage is closing because there's a baby on the way. Maybe she feels like the LW and her husband are being unrealistic or tying with her and she thinks she's about to get crushed.

The LW is so gracious. She's having a bad pregnancy yet she's focused on making the girlfriend comfortable over herself. Frankly I think the husband should be more focused on the wife instead of the girlfriend. I don't know much about the power dynamics of a poly relationship, or would ever want to be in one myself, so I'm not sure how these things work, but you'd think the husband would be concerned for the wife who is carrying his child...

Not being a parent myself (I sort of missed those genes), my thoughts are pretty simple on the matter. You can build a new poly relationship to stability or you can have a new baby. You cannot do both at the same time because both require a huge emotional and physical commitment. There are not enough hours in the day or emotional resources.

I don't know what age said baby has to be before poly stuff is viable again but, right now it's a recipe for drama, trauma and the potential dissolution of the LW's marriage.

Under the best of circumstances, outside of fantasy land, where do you think you three will be in a few months? If things go badly? If things go well?

Don't drag this out. Decide what you think is the best way to move forward, and act accordingly. Let her know with intentions and actions (eg "we've made plans for a dinner out, just the three of us, weekly for the next three months, if you're amenable"), not with drawn out discussions about who might feel which way about what. Let her decide.

Equally viable "we've decided we need to lay low until I'm past my 14th week, and then we would like to start dating again". If that's a deal breaker, or its not... her call.

She wants a partner and child and you can't reassure her that you can give her that because you can't. She wants her own experience with A partner (singular), not to "share the experience" of another couple. 4 months is rather early to hitch her life to your family's.

LW says her husband and other woman are in love. That's pretty important in this weird situation. Why would the other woman want LW close if she's in love with her husband? There's weirdness also, I think, in LW's talking about "we" as though she's sure what her husband wants/will do. You can't really predict the feelings or actions of someone who's in love.

I'm frequently surprised by how much the new and expecting parents in these letters seem clueless about how their priorities and daily lifes are about to radically change. Parents can have great marriages and exciting sex lives, but typically there is a healthy refocusing on the pregnancy and baby in the early stages. If they'd been in a poly relationship for years and then planned this pregnancy together, great. But in reality- take away all the self-absorption and over-thinking- what is happening is that a married couple has unexpectedly gotten pregnant and are focusing on what to do about the husband's girlfriend. That girlfriend, btw, was never really into the wife in the first place, and to complicate matters, the husband says he's in love with her. What a selfish nightmare. So much drama. They need to refocus on each other and the baby and become more clear on their priorities and what to expect from pregnancy and early childhood. Revisit the poly dynamic later as parents- they will find that the person they are interested in will be different and the people who are interested in them will be different too. It's totally normal that a single woman who has never really been into women anyway and who is in love with a married man who is expecting a baby would not want to attach her life to an unexpected pregnancy and sudden parenthood, duh.

This sounds like all kinds of bad just waiting to happen. I like what monkey fetish @#3 had to say. Poly relationship or being a new parent. I just don't see how anyone could do both. LW is in a bad place. Frankly, her husband being 'in love' with someone they've been dating for 4 months is just scary. Maybe the husband isn't on board with being a dad?

Just to throw another possibility out there. Maybe she's fine with the poly arrangement, but just wants the dude to have a kid with her as well. It's not a crazy thing to want or anything, but it could certainly be a deal breaker for the couple here (or at least the letter writer, who it seems doesn't even have this possibility on her radar).

The husband wants his cake and eat it too.

Commit to the mother of your child.

Nicely said Dan. I have nothing to add, except thank you for such an astute answer, it means I don't need to go any further into this perplexing scenario. Good luck with the baby LW. And groan into your contractions, it helps with the pain.

Good luck bringing a baby into this shitshow.

Not being poly, I can't tell what parts of this are batshit and what parts are normal poly-fare. But a lot of it just sounds kinda batshit.

I hope everyone involved figures out what they want and how they should handle the situation before they end up with a second pregnancy, because it sounds like that's where things are headed.

@15 I don't think this is *very* likely, but if I were the LW I would consider asking the husband to use his own birth control with the girlfriend. Depending on who she is... there's just a possibility she could grab that rather than be left out with nothing.

Anyone here been in a new poly relationship while having a baby? And made it work? With a kind of relationship beyond casual / can be put on the shelf for months at time? I'm not good at poly in any event, but I just cannot even picture it. How did you work it?

LW I have to ask can you give this woman what she wants? She wants a committed partner and a baby. Are you okay with your husband knocking her up? Are you okay with her having your husband's baby? With his time and attention being split between you?

'No' is an applicable answer and you won't lose 'poly points' because of it. As the song says 'sometimes love ain't enough' and you should try to accept it and focus on your baby, the girlfriend should try to find that relationship she wants.

What sounds like it might be tougher, your husband has to ask if you can give her what she wants. Or if he can, at what cost. Best wishes to you all.

Beaver @16: I don't think this is *very* likely, but if I were the LW I would consider asking the husband to use his own birth control with the girlfriend.

He should be already, for STI reasons, but yes -- very good point. We know the husband is fertile and we know the girlfriend wants a baby and envies POLY's pregnancy.

The one thing I would point out here is the timeline. If POLY got pregnant in May, she's only just found out about it. It sounds to me like the pregnancy was not planned. No wonder the girlfriend doesn't quite know how to react. If I'd just got involved in what seemed like a promising relationship and within months a bomb like that dropped, I'd be pretty confused as well. My feeling is that despite these "in love" feelings the husband and girlfriend are experiencing, as the arrival date nears, GF will have gradually pulled away, reactivated her Tinder profile, etc. These things happen. I found the best poly relationship of my life, and she decided to give in to her boyfriend's pressure to be monogamous and then moved to be with him. She has eight more months to grieve the inevitable and consign this relationship to the "good memories" file.

LW, You have given no indication this woman is threatening to you or your relationship with your husband. I am not sure why many others see her as a threat, or if I missed something. It seems your question is more concerned with timing. Yes, it is early within a relationship to worry about such things. but your pregnancy probably does affect her thinking. I don't think she is wrong, but I do think it's important that you establish boundaries within your relationship. I also think it's important to establish that she does not see your husband as a means to a baby. It sounds like you are genuinely affectionate toward her, and though this is a somewhat "unique" situation, treat it as normal! It would be premature for her to expect a man to be sure he wants to have a baby with her at this time! It is also premature to be talking about this with the two of you. Make that clear. This is not that different from a common, 2 person relationship. She is a new partner, and you are still feeling each other out. You are being very understanding; but your partner should focus on you and your baby for now. If she proves a good fit and the three of you feel happy as a family after a while, perhaps she will be the next to conceive!

I dunno. I kind of read it as a DTMFA situation. Maybe it's because of my lack of familiarity with the world of poly, but I think if someone tells you, her romantic partner, that you are a constant reminder of everything she wants but doesn't have, it is really time for the relationship to end. That she is willing to say this to you but not leave kind of reads like an ultimatum:

I am in love with your husband
+ I want a partner and child and do not consider your family to be mine
+ I'm going to pout so that your emotional energy is diverted toward me and away from your pregnancy
= husband make a choice between us

I say cut her loose, focus on your family because you're in for a ride, let her go and pursue what she says she wants instead of being a painful reminder of what she doesn't have.

Jayde @21: That she is willing to say this to you but not leave kind of reads like an ultimatum

It reads to me like someone who is blindsided and confused. She found a happy romantic situation, and now that's being taken away from her (in its current form at least) by a person who's not even been born yet. She's just being honest about her feelings.

People who aren't familiar with poly seem to be the people who find it difficult to look at the situation from the perspective of the outside partner, just the primary couple. I suspect GF is well aware that if husband is asked to make a choice between a girlfriend of 4 months and a pregnant wife, the outcome won't be in her favour. She's just grieving and that's valid.

I am going to bow to those with superior knowledge of the poly life style, like BiDan, and you LW, but from where I stand....

(1) While I've known many swinger couples, I've only known two poly couples - both one man with two ladies. They established poly relationships after the kids were older (sevenish in one, fully grown in the other). The swingers had the same situation. Gotten into it either after the kids were older or out of the nest.

(2) To me (again me only) poly relationships are emotionally.... complicated?.... in the best of circumstances. Adding in a new baby? Holy Sheet, Batcrazy! I know people who can barely function with their jobs and the baby, and have no extra time for a complicated third, negotiating feelings.

(3) I think this is compounded by the third's newness to this lifestyle. I nod to BiDan's generous reading, that the third isn't going to make a play or split the relationship. I'd bet Bi is right, because the girl is pulling away and putting space there. However, none of that changes that:

(a) She wants a partner (primary) and a kid, and its not happening here. Hello, LW, your third is right. You cannot offer her what she wants. So at most, you all are a way station to another destination, and one in which it is perilous for her to emotionally invest, which is where she going.

(b) She is new to Poly (therefore, to its norms, handling jealousy, etc.) AND doesn't seem to be natural Bi. Either she isn't actually that bi or she isn't that into LW. All of which represent a difficult negotiation because the THIRD is in love with the husband. And she's already having problems with it. (Not that I blame her).

(c) Finally, she has more realistic view of baby-dom that you apparently do. Even as a SAHM, you are going to be sleeeeeep depppprived. And sex. HA. Not always, but man, it usually takes a little time for the hormones to kick in.

Which leads me to very much echo Dan's advice. Back off. Husband back off. Let her figure it out and give her some time. And you know what? Even if she's got the feels for you, that doesn't mean she's required to take what you can offer her.

PS. This situation - LW's third - is why I've struggled to find a GF again as an older married lady. Many of those I meet are out of the exploration stage, per se, (ooh I kissed a girl) and are often looking for a primary. Something I cannot offer.

With apologies for anyone for whom this sort of relationship works (I personally have never met anyone for whom it did work), this is why I can’t even imagine having multiple relationships. Christ. When one relationship is stable and moving forward (“yay! a baby!”), some other one is drama-llamaing the joint up (“oh no, mostly-my-husband’s girlfriend of four entire months is dancing away slightly!”). To expend this kind of energy during this phase of life…ugh, no thanks. Even as gentle and gracious as this letter writer was, it still seems to me that multiple-relationship people just can’t live without all the sturm und drang.

Alternative interpretation: the couple are dreaming happily about their unicorn (she loves both of them, will live with them, raise their children, have no other lovers) but she's going, Fuck That Shit, I'm Blowing This Popsicle Stand.

@ 22 - "I suspect GF is well aware that if husband is asked to make a choice between a girlfriend of 4 months and a pregnant wife, the outcome won't be in her favour. "

But what if the husband didn't want a child this soon? He might panic and make the wrong decision.

@ 12 - Lava: My belated congratulations. Hope that the mother and child (and everyone else involved) are doing well!

THEY'RE.

Jesus Dan.

lol @ Matthew Richter - came here to say this is the first grammar error I think I've seen Dan make.

@25 is spot on. The 3rd didn't sign up for this, why on earth would she stay?

@27 Well, and also, "tell her what you to be with her" is *that, which I wasn't going to bother mentioning, because I figured they're both typos/brainos/result of him writing his response high/getting on an airplane/any one of his usual excuses for slapdashery. :)

Shefightslikeagirl @24: Apology accepted. And I just want to point out that an alternative source of blame for the implosion of this particular relationship situation isn't polyamory, but breeding. Wouldn't everyone involved still be happy as clams if babies didn't enter the picture?

(Apologies to the breeders. Just wanted to turn that particular poster's revulsion back on them, as it was merited.)

Alison @25: I agree LW is being a bit of a Poly Anna with her hopes that GF will be an involved auntie to the child she had no part in conceiving. Other than possibly being present at the time... who knows.

Ricardo @26: If the husband doesn't want a kid (in which case, the current GF would be a bad choice, no?), then why would leaving be the "wrong" decision? ;)

@13: Absolutely, depravity sucks.

@ 31 - Yes, "wrong" is the wrong word. I meant the decision you were assuming he wouldn't make @ 22, i.e. leaving the wife for the GF.

And the GF could be the right person for him if he does want a child, but just not now.

Ricardo: All of my posts have assumed that everyone involved is a fairly well-adjusted human being and that no pertinent info (such as husband freaking out about accidental pregnancy) was omitted. We could assume otherwise, and then get into ridiculous nightmare scenarios where GF kidnaps the baby and runs off to Rio, but that way lies madness... :)

If the couple was trying to conceive, than they should have been up front about that fact before any sexy times happened. The GF in this story deserves to know what she is getting into.
If the couple was not trying, not on reliable BC, than I give them a giant WTF????
I would blame them for the hurt they have caused the GF in both of those situations. Did they even discuss what would happen if a pregnancy occured (to either woman)? I bet not....

It is stories like these that give Unicorn hunting couples a bad rap within the Poly community. LW also needs to realize that her relationship with GF is a totally separate relationship than her husband's relationship with GF. Couples that do not understand such things have no place in trying to find a third (IMHO)... They treat "thirds" like objects to use for their enjoyment and not as people with their own thoughts and feelings.

There are a lot healthy of ways to do Poly, but this situation is not one of them.

BDF @ 34
"GF kidnaps the baby and runs off to Rio"
With serious health, safety hazards and upcoming Olympics I would choose almost any other place. Even Sunderland, which voted to leave and and apparently expresses no regret, sounds slightly better despite the much colder weather.

Well. Shit.

GF is probably not as into this triad as you think, LW. If she was, she wouldn't be getting into fights with your husband about her 'place' in this utterly fucked dynamic.

LW Husband is in love with GF after 4 months? Are you kidding me? Flag on the first down! He's infatuated. He's not in love and making decisions with his dick.

LW is acting like the GF owes her ornamental participation in co-parenting a baby she isn't biologically or financially responsible for after 4 months? That's some entitled as fuck, boundary dynamiting bullshit right there.

These people deserve each other. Someone save this baby.

I was just planning a post about "wrong", this being the first time I've seen the thread, but Ms Fan caught it first. Well done.

You guys are funny. LW is pregnant, game on. This young girl, who has been in this poly group for all of four months or so, and she is calling the game. Husband is in love and wife is in denial. Right royal mess.

I think she wants a relationship of her own with the husband.

This just has bad news written all over it- dump the third person for now. You both need to concentrate on the actual child and not the emotional child who is throwing what amounts to a tantrum.

LW has already lost her husband to the Other Woman, who pretended, not very enthusiastically, to be in a poly relationship. The husband is annoyed that having his cake and eating someone else's too is being threatened by this drama, otherwise known as his wife bearing his child. The Other Woman moving 30 minutes away --- not really a long distance, just far enough to be a hassle -- was the first clue that she was trying to change the balance of power in the relationship. I don't see this working out well for anyone involved, including, sadly, the child.

@ "All of my posts have assumed that everyone involved is a fairly well-adjusted human being"

I'll keep that in mind. The truth is, though, that I would never assume anything of the sort, so that probably goes a long way to explain my posts.

I wonder which will happen first:
-The husband leaves the wife for the GF
-The GF leaves the couple, or
-The baby is born.
I guess my money is on the husband leaving. Maybe the GF will split first, but I don't get the sense that anyone involved is going to let the baby arrive first.

BS @43 - I think you nailed it. Their third has moved just far enough away to be able to carry off a roaring-hot, non-poly affair with the husband on her own turf. Sooner or later, hubby's gonna have to choose between them.

Unlike computer programming, humans do not handle polymorphism well.

@27/28 After the third error, I just figured the copy editor was out sick :)
@16 I know a couple with a child who is older (school age), but is severely disabled and has the functional capacity of a toddler. The wife lost interest in sex during or shortly after the pregnancy, and when it didn't come back after a couple years, they decided to have an open marriage. They currently have a happy arrangement with a third, who is good friends with the wife, sexually involved with the husband, and the women help each other out with the kids ( I think the third is a single mom.)

I'll never understand you poly folks.

I am worried this girlfriend has dubious plans, but then again, I don't understand poly folks.

I'm sure all of this is going to work out great once there's an unsleeping shitter of pants screaming for tit milk 24/7. There's so much naivety in some of these letters from people about to be parents. It's hard to keep a trio on equal footing without marriage equality for poly families.

I think LW is dealing with some identity/body issues, as well, which happens with pregnancy. Also, she said it kickstarted their sex lives, hence the pregnancy. It sounds like hanging on to this girlfriend situation is partly hanging on to her sexual identity. I think it'll pass. Just take a step back, accept that pumping the breaks now isn't the end, let the girlfriend go, and the priority is the child. You shared a great experience, learned something, but now it's time to move on. If the husband isn't on board with logic, or his heart, DTMF.

Shefights @37: Oh, I'm not defensive. I'm cranky because my European citizenship has just been revoked. But that has nothing to do with how happy my poly partners make me. Fortunately, none of them want children, so I have no drama to deal with. Breeder aspirations are something I try to screen out very early in the process.

There is no hint in the letter that the husband is unhappy about the pregnancy.

Yes, the evil evil Unicorn seduced this otherwise monogamous (straight) couple, just to get to the super hot stud muffin of a man....
Managed to make him impregnate his wife to further her evil Unicorn plot....
Then she has the gall to move a 1/2 hour away in an attempt to further seduce him, to have him all to herself (clearly no other possible reason makes a lick of sense)....

Yes, people this is how life works.
Get real. Anyone who thinks this is anything but the couple fucking with (likely not intentionally so) this poor woman is delusional.

I have actually been a new poly third during a pregnancy and new-baby-stage. It was really shitty timing but luckily we all behaved well and got through it. I guess I also read this letter pretty generously: the girlfriend's feelings seem reasonable for her history, and she isn't sending up any major red flags.

I think Dan's advice is right on: everyone needs to think about what they want and be upfront about it. And I do think that's possible. GF sounds like she might not know what she wants. We don't know if what LW seems to want (a deeper relationship with GF) is possible. Maybe GF is in fact super into the LW but freaked out by her own child-want-issues, freaked out by sex with pregnant bodies, afraid of a Unicorn Trap, repelled by babies, or realizing that she's not prepared to only date potential primary partners who are cool with All This Poly Stuff for the rest of her life (much smaller pool, even lower chances of getting her partner and baby soon). Everyone needs to figure out what they want and whether it's possible. Call me an optimist, I think that can happen maturely, whether the end result ends up being break up or not.

#1 gf's 1st poly relationship- maybe she's just experimenting and not sure if it's for her, or maybe she was just attracted to hubby and thought she could round up to including the wife.
#2 1st sexual relationship with another woman. Maybe she's just experimenting and maybe she's just not that into women, or this particular woman but since that comes as part of a package deal, trying to make it work.
#3 3 months is a very new relationship to be making decisions about co-parenting when she's not even sure about being a 3 some
#4 gf sounds like. She's neither not in touch, or not good at communicating her feelings and needs. If open and honest and self aware conversations can't take place, long term success of this relationship is unlikely.
#5 if she's still not over her terminated pregnancy, being a coparent to someone else's biological child may be too intense, especially in a new relationship.
#6 why is this couple inciting someone they barely know to coparent, not knowing how the romantic aspect will go. You can have a romantic poly relationship without becoming a family (immediately)
#7 it's hard to be the third under the most ideal dynamics. This just sounds like too much pressure and stress.
For all these reasons, it seems wise to end it now.

To all the commenter saying shame on hubby for falling in love, uh, that's the *amory* part of polyamide. If you're just looking for hot sex, you're a swinger.

Finally, sorry to be a Dick, but it's, "they're", Dan, not their.

Cat in Fez @54: Thank you for being the voice of sanity, is all I will say. Only quibble is that GF is almost certainly not "repelled by babies" if she wants one of her own. And what is a Unicorn Trap?

OnTheOtherHand @55: Skitt's Law. "Threesome," not "3 some"; "either," not "neither"; "polyamory," not "polyamide." You're welcome, dick. (Otherwise, your analysis, typos and all, is spot on. Kind of like Dan's, no?)

My eyes start to glaze over when I hear people talk about this POLY shit. Usually they're the kind of folks who are overweight, into D&D, with the male counterparts having communist goatees, and walking around in the summertime wearing trenchcoats while telling anyone who will listen that they're "too evolved" to be jealous of other people banging they're partner. That's why they're poly. You'll also hear words like "sapiosexual" and "pansexual" bandied about.

Ugh...these people are so Seattle and so phoney, because they always end up biting off more than they can chew because they are seeking a simple (and monumentally stupid) solution to their problem of unhappy relationships.

Case in point - the LW, who is all bummed out because the neighbor she and her husband have been having highly evolved sex with without any jealousy whatsoever suddenly pulls back when the LW is about to drop a brat on the world. Oh Boo Hoo Hoo! Expecting someone to add being a parent to the occasional threesome is just a bit too much to ask.

God! These folks probably identify as "sapiosexuals" as well as POLY because the word sounds cool and different and so Seattle.

@56 Yup, got carried away while brainstorming and forgot that detail. There are a lot of reasons the GF might be pulling back though, and they can only know through some of that good ol' poly processing.

I meant Unicorn Trap in the unicorn-hunting sense: if she's afraid they'll expect her to be an unpaid nanny and sexual convenience rather than a beloved autonomous part of the family, that would be a reason for her to spook.

Inquired w/someone w/relevant experience and got this response:

"When I dated a couple, I would've been truly overjoyed and excited if she had become happily pregnant. I would've been flattered to have continued to be involved in their lives during the pregnancy... it obviously adds a lot of physical stress, emotional stress, etc. which can make the typical relationship conflict/communication issues harder to take. My own desire for a child would be unrelated because I wouldn't expect to be planning to be impregnatated / co-parent with someone(s) I'd been dating for 4 months regardless. Also, I don't see anything indicating that the couple asked her to commit to exclusivity, so it's not like she couldn't continue enjoying their company outside of the confines of 'will this be my new life partner(s)' regardless.

If she'd started having terrible morning sickness, I would've been by her side to hold back her hair or bring her peppermint tea or whatever else could help. I would've wanted her to know that she (and her body) were still beautiful to me. And I don't think of that as specific to my romantic interest in women, I would feel that way about a female friend too."

//

My addition, though, is that there is some missing context. Is she worried that she might "lead them on" if she's seriously involved in their lives during the period that they're starting a family because she associates that with a serious life commitment? I've had concerns about dating parents and becoming a big part of a child's life and then being forced to exit the kid's life should the relationship end. Is she worried that there would be no chance of either husband or wife considering the possibility of her bearing a child (his or other) and continuing a serious relationship? It isn't clear what these "arguments" are about or where her concerns originate. It definitely doesn't seem promising that she withdrew from the wife at a moment in time when the wife might be especially touched by attention / help / intimacy of any sort, but I feel like there would need to be more information to determine why.

The idea that a woman is "supposed to be so happy" all the time when she is pregnant is very strange to me... it doesn't reflect much of what I've heard / read / witnessed. If that's what she expects out of her desired future pregnancy experience, I'd say she has bigger challenges ahead than her romantic relationships ;)

Regardless, based on the limited information presented here, it's hard for me to feel like this partner isn't being selfish & thoughtless at the very least. Even if she doesn't really have deep romantic interest in women, or deep romantic interest in this specific woman, this is still the partner of the man she loves and the mother of his soon-to-be child. I'd expect her to treat his wife with compassion and treat her as a friend. I'd also wonder whether she assumes that the wife is less interested in intimacy due to feeling ill / being pregnant in general / something and doesn't have the communication skills to discuss this directly...

Interesting that I was just reading Robert Graves's Wikipedia entry. THIS ENDS WITH LAURA RIDING LEAPING FROM A FOURTH FLOOR WINDOW, PEOPLE.