Savage Love Letter of the Day: Crazy Soon-To-Be-Ex-Girlfriend

Comments

1
I don't know that I trust the LW's version here.

There's also absolutely no need for him to say she's Asian, as if that explains the GF's alleged behavior.
2
LW has run into a next-level manipulator; the kind that only really develops when there were no meaningful consequences to previous manipulation attempts; the kind that also has no qualms about prioritizing their own minor needs (all of us want to feel like our partner likes us more than their ex) above others major needs (most of us don't make a point to make our partners feel like shit).

Anyways, narcsissistic, entitled manipulator. Run the fuck away, set your facebook to private, never discuss or acknowledge any future relationships to her, EVER. I've had that ex before, and believe me, they WILL take it upon themselves to message your future partners with varying degrees of hurtful nonsense ["does he do sexual-thing-x with you the way he did with me?"] unless you proactively thwart it.
3
I'm a little bit hazy here on the timeline. CHE's relationship with his ex ended in 2009, while they were still in high school. CHE's ex is now at Harvard, I assume as an undergraduate. If so, CHE and that woman were perhaps 15 during the course of that relationship. Now, at age 22, CHE's girlfriend is obsessing over this teenage relationship.

CHE, just writing that out shows how bizarre your girlfriend's behavior is now. And hating your girlfriend too is just Stockholm Syndrome-level craziness on your part. End the relationship, do not look back, do not maintain any "friendly" contact.

4
LW, ask yourself this - is this the behavior of someone who wants to be a mature adult and do you want to denigrate yourself by being in a relationship with someone who shows very little intent on becoming one?
5
DTMFAWEP - "dump the motherfucker already with extreme prejudice.
6
I had an ex like that. Run away!!! The more you put up with the worse it will get. Let me guess... She fell head over heels for you unusually soon after meeting you?

Get the fuck out.
7
Wait, was this letter written by Marco Pappa?

Before you dump her, clear the premises of anything you consider valuable, along with all knives, scissors, hammers, guns, hatchets, baseball bats, etc.
8
@1 - possibly an attempt to make the gf's craziness look like it's not her fault --- it's a cultural thing?

Along with everyone else, I'd say break up, move to another state, change your name, and hire a team of former Navy SEALs to guard your ex around the clock.
9
This is painful to admit, but I was that girlfriend, at around the same age, overachiever and all. I suffered from depression and very low self-esteem, and I became obsessed with my boyfriend's ex, especially with comparing myself to her. I stalked her social media (it was Friendster back then!) daily - if I looked better than her, it was a good day, if she had done something cool that I had never done, it ruined my day. I didn't even know her! I knew it was unhealthy but I couldn't stop myself. I did know enough to never tell my boyfriend I was doing this, although he did know I was incredibly jealous, and I had contacted her in some ways that I can't even bring myself to admit now.

It took a therapist and antidepressants to help me get to the root of my issues and get past it. And also, I grew up - I'm not the same person I was when I was 22 (thank god). The boyfriend and I broke up eventually, and I'm deeply, deeply ashamed of the way I acted and the way I was.

So my advice to boyfriend is that you need to get her help and most importantly, you need to let her go. I know you love her, and she loves you too, but she needs to work on herself and she's hurting you in the meantime. I have no doubt she's a wonderful woman, but she's sick. She needs help from a professional. This is not healthy for you and it isn't fair either.

You just have to trust me that this is not something that will go away on its own, and it has absolutely nothing to do with you. There is literally nothing you can do to reassure her or make this stop, because it is completely about her and her deep, deep issues.

I have a lot of compassion for your girlfriend, and I very much hope she gets the help that she needs.
10
I'm surprised that the LW hasn't realized that his ex could be anyone and the girlfriend would feel the same, the ex is just his girlfriend's self-hatred personified.
11
Tinahp @9, that took a lot of courage to share. good on you, and I'm glad you got the help you needed.
12
Beyond the DTMFAs, has anyone seen Crazy Ex Girlfriend?

Surprisingly great show, a pretty humanizing depiction.
13
@9 - what @11 said. Real strength is not just being an unthinking action hero - it comes from doing things you didn't think you could. Now get out there and play some Pokémon Go!
14
I like Dan's advice, but I also wonder how she even knows so much about LW's ex's achievements? Also, am I reading it right that they had sex ONCE? Does he mean since they broke up? No doubt the current girlfriend needs help, but the way LW tells the story I'm thinking he's probably a couple of points shy of having any sort of healthy adult relationship as well.
15
This particular kind of manipulator is great at transferring blame for their behavior. But remember, no matter how valid the reason for their poor behavior may be (or seem), there is a bare minimum of treatment that you as their partner can rightfully expect. If you don't leave get real good at setting boundaries. And stick to them!
16
@1: It may be relevant. Some Asian-American families can put a lot of pressure on their kids to succeed academically in ways that are unhealthy for their kids. I think it's mostly an East-meets-West kind of thing in which aspects of Eastern cultures don't end up jiving well in a Western context. My wife is half Chinese, half Pennsylvania Dutch, and experiences at the family reunions of her Chinese family can be... interesting. The first questions asked of boyfriends/girlfriends dating a family member are along the lines of, "So, when are you attending graduate school?" At one reunion, there was a contest of who could put together the best business pitch for their tech product and another event getting people to guess whose patents were which. One-on-one, they're great, but they can be high-strung. My wife tells me that in the past it was worse, since the eldest family members (who came directly from China) would even pit cousins against each other to spur academic and professional competition. So, yeah, culture matters. In that atmosphere, some people are damaged, and others literally win Nobel Prizes.
17
Emotional abuse is as bad as physical abuse. Current gf is an emotional abuser. DTMFA, Now. Run, don't walk.
18
Just saw the Broadway play, "Lion King" so I will borrow a little advice. "Run way. Run away and never return!"
19
"Away." Stupid voice recognition.
20
Dan got it all right. As I was reading, I was thinking how this would sound if it were a man jealous of his girlfriend's ex that she hadn't heard from for years. I'd be thinking this was the first step before alienating her from her family and beating her up. Switch the sexes, and this is no different. Run!
21
Being Asian has little to do with this. I have dated Asians and have many Asian friends. While there is a little bit more of the jealousy aspect in Asian cultures, what you describe is completely out of proportion to anything cultural. When I've dated Asians who we're jealous that I was still friends with an ex, they got it pretty quickly when they realized they were being treated very well. There is no way what you describe can be negotiated down to a calm and comforting relationship. Even if you resolve to hate your ex and join your girlfriend and her death wish, your girlfriend will find something else to get batshit crazy about.
22
*They got OVER it pretty quickly....
23
CMYNS

(Covenant Marriage Yesterday. 'Nuff Said.)
24
I had a girlfriend like that, totally obsessed and hateful of last woman that I had been interested in. I never even dated the target of her hate! When she said she wanted to kill the woman, I was like, "Woah, slow down there," and we fought because I was "defending" the target. She was a total psycho. The sex was amazing, though.

I heartily agree with Dan, dump her ASAP.
25
"The sex was amazing, though"

Ah.... That sounds like it may explain why they haven't broken up yet.
26
RUN THE FUCK AWAY! Manipulative people don't ever stop being manipulative if it works.

DUMP HER AND GET AWAY AS FAST AS POSSIBLE. Trust me on this one. My ex. Whoooo. Cray-cray manipulative. Breaking up with him was the best thing ever.
27
@16

Nah, not relevant at all. @8 might be on the right track--the LW, assuming he's giving an accurate account, is trying to blame Asians in general rather than the individual.

But the idea that families put enormous pressure on their children, etc., is not uniquely Asian. Your wife's family may have a particular way of behaving, but I doubt most Asian American families are the same way, and I doubt that there are a significant number of other middle and upper class American families who are not Asian American who behave in similar ways.
28
@10: Directed by M. Night Shamalamadingdong.
29
CHE, marry this girl! A woman that's willing to kill for you is a diamond beyond compare! She is the perfect woman for you, and doubting that in any way will lead to ruin and a life of sheer misery!

Seriously though, what the fuck are you thinking ? This woman isn't 'amazing' or 'sweet', she is 110% batshit crazy. She isn't just crazy, she is DANGEROUSLY crazy.
And she is starting to drive you crazy too!

Run Forest, run!
30
There seems to be information missing in this letter. Was it edited or shortened? The LW had a girlfriend in high school. They broke up in 2009. That's seven years ago! He's been dating this girlfriend for one year, which means they started their relationship SIX YEARS after the high school relationship ended. So how does the current girlfriend know anything about the high school ex? How does LW know his ex is going to Harvard, and all that info about the ex' Facebook account? It's bizarre. I mean, sometimes you do talk about your previous relationships a little, but usually how well your ex did in school, and which Ivy league school they're going to SIX YEARS after you broke up are not things that normally come up (and how would you know this shit anyway?) And why has LW been searching for the ex on Facebook? It doesn't sound like she sent him a friend request or anything. Why all this focus on a girl he dated seven years ago? Does LW also stalk, I mean, keep track of his more current exes?

If this letter is legit, then LW's girlfriend could be jealous of the ex because she thinks LW is comparing her to the high school ex ("My ex is currently going to Harvard and she was top of her class in high school when we dated"!!??!!)

I have no clue what my ex is doing and where he's doing it, and we were engaged and lived together! As for the high school boyfriends, I doubt if any of us even remember each other's last names!

Some weird shit is going on here, and I don't think it's the girlfriend that's a problem.
31
@30: "And why has LW been searching for the ex on Facebook? It doesn't sound like she sent him a friend request or anything. Why all this focus on a girl he dated seven years ago? Does LW also stalk, I mean, keep track of his more current exes?

...

I have no clue what my ex is doing and where he's doing it, and we were engaged and lived together! As for the high school boyfriends, I doubt if any of us even remember each other's last names!"

Knowing what an old high-school ex is up to is normal-ish if you remained acquaintances.

He hasn't been searching for the ex on Facebook? His current (ugh) girlfriend demanded the page.

"One time she asked me for my ex's Facebook profile so she could see all her achievements. (I'm not friends with my ex on Facebook and her account is set to private, I noticed that no one can see anything she posts."
32
LW I don't know if your current girlfriend has ever shown any hints of physical violence? Fantasizing? If so, please take precautions. Hell, be cautious anyway. This person is going to turn on you, it's going to be ugly, and I know you don't believe this is possible but it could be dangerous.

When you break up with her, she's going to believe you're getting back together with your ex. She'll believe you've already been cheating if there's any physical possibility of that. How well do you expect her to behave then?
33
LW the fact that your girlfriend has you hating your ex, who has really done ANYTHING but get into a famous school is a very bad sign. I mean I wonder if she's going to push you to stalk or assault your ex because of her irrational jealously.

#9 is right. Your girlfriend needs help that you can't give her. End things now so you can keep your sanity.
34
Seatackled @1: If part of her inferiority complex stems from her being Asian, then her being Asian is relevant.

Iseult @30: Date changed to protect the guilty, perhaps? Either way, yes -- X number of years have passed; has LW not dated anyone in the interim, or has he just not dated anyone academically impressive?

Maybe he's kept up with the ex's achievements because their families are friends, or something.
35
Sounds like classic Borderline Personality Disorder.
36
I broke up with my first boyfriend thirty years ago. I know what he does for a living, what city he’s living in, and something about recent drama around his romantic life. That’s because I still live in the city we met in and we know people in common.

It’s not weird at all.
37
Seatackled @1
BDF @ 34
I suspect the Asian reference comes to explain the “all her life she has been told to be better” line.
For right or wrong there’s a notion, at least in the USA, that Asian immigrants place high expectations on their children and demand top performance on all fronts.
This image was enhanced after Amy Chua’s book “The Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother” was published some five years ago.

Some controversy about demanding parenting methods followed. Chua said she had no bad intentions, it’s not the book she wrote, and that her two daughters are just fine, which may be true.
Nevertheless, once the book came out many who grew up in different Asian families described how harsh discipline and expectations have influenced their lives and often still haunt them.
38
I'm Facebook friends with several of my old girlfriends, including a couple from high school. I think it's normal to want to keep up with someone you once were close to & see how their life is going. There are a thousand reasons why relationships end, and not all of them are because you hated each other. You are not going to marry 99.9% of the people you date (well, most people won't, anyway). Sane people accept that and don't hold grudges.
39
As an Asian-American who was born in the US, moved to Asia for several years, and then moved back to the US, I think there's too much information missing from this letter to really say what's going on, other than the current girlfriend clearly has issues.

There's a huge cultural difference between an Asian girl who lived in Asia for most of her life, and an Asian girl who was raised in the US. Asian Asians often have a strong Madonna/whore complex - girls are expected to stay pure and virginal, and wait for boys to pursue them instead of being forward. The idea is that, if a guy is actually interested in you for more than just sex, he will continue to pursue you even if you're indifferent or non-responsive, and that you have to make him work for your affection and prove that he's not just looking for low-hanging fruit (and also prove that *you* are not low-hanging fruit). I saw this cultural difference at play when my parents tried to set my much-more-American-than-Korean brother up with a girl in Korea - he would send her an email, and she would routinely wait 3-4 *weeks* to respond to him. After several email exchanges like this, my brother figured she just wasn't interested and stopped corresponding with her. Shortly after, he heard that the girl was puzzled and upset that he had stopped writing her, and was puzzled himself, since from his perspective, she didn't really seem into him. I had to explain that Asian girls are raised to think that they have to play hard-to-get, or they're labeled as boy-crazy sluts who will throw themselves at anything in pants (that's not an exaggeration, my mother once accused me of being slutty because a guy from work called me during the weekend and I chatted with him for a few minutes instead of hanging up).

The LW doesn't say whether he has had or slept with any other girlfriends, so I'm going to assume that he hasn't. So it's possible the current girlfriend is so hung up on the ex because, to her Asian mindset, sex is a huge deal and practically a promise of marriage. Frankly, that's a pretty outdated mentality even for most Asians, and varies depending on where you live, but it still exists. And even if she's lived in the US for a while, it can be pretty hard to shake, especially if your parents enforce it. It took losing my own virginity and realizing it wasn't a big deal for me to stop thinking like that, and that was several *years* after I'd moved back to the US.

The fact that the ex went to Harvard would be a huge deal to the current girlfriend if she is more Asian than American as well. Asians put a lot of stock in labels, especially educational labels, and Harvard is one of the best you can get. Asians almost don't care what kind of person you are or if you're compatible with them if you go to Harvard - letting someone who went to HARVARD go is like turning down a paid-for date at a four-star restaurant with Miss Universe. Just unthinkable.

However, regardless of culture or nationality, the current girlfriend's behavior is way off the charts, even if you assume that she is from an ultra-conservative Asian culture that places great emphasis on sex and a girl's virginity. The Asian background *might* explain her insecurities, but not her wishing death and harm on the ex and trying to turn the LW against the ex as well. That's just a parade of red flags, no matter how you cut it.
40
That girl must have a golden vagina for him to put up with that BS
41
@40: Manipulators break their (obviously empathetic) partners and make them think that this is normal. It's hard to find true and healthy balance when immersed in this drama.
42
Undead @10 - Nailed it! LW needs to walk away and allow GF to work out these issues on her own, ideally with the help of professional counseling. He is not helping her at all, in fact he is an active (though unwilling) codependent for as long as he and the phantom ex are part of her life.

Tina @9 and Jina @39 - Thank you for your first-person insights into possible root causes for GF's anger and distress, and for corroborating that from your own shared cultural and psychological perspectives, this woman needs help that LW will be unable to provide.

Sometimes true love requires us to stay in difficult relationships and wait for the (hopefully) temporary clouds to pass. Other times, it requires us to leave to avoid causing further damage, either to ourselves or to our lovers. LW, you are NOT GUILTY of abandoning your lover by forcing her to face her demons, rather than inventing demon facsimiles from fragments of your own previous and limited sexual history.
43
Iseult @30, The timeline is very confusing and makes me wonder if Dan got a fuller story than we did because there's a lot missing. While the missing details cause me to wonder about CHE's sanity and honesty, they don't really cause me to question his girlfriend's insanity.

Did he go six years with no other girlfriends so his current girlfriend has nobody more recent to obsess about or did he date a string of other women (even having sex with some of them more than once) and she's just obsessed about this one because this one went to Harvard and is therefore assumed to be intellectually superior to his current girlfriend? Was his girlfriend a virgin when they started dating? Is she an adult?

It sounds likely to me that CHE told his girlfriend about his ex who went to Harvard specifically in relation to how bright she was (perhaps even in comparison to his current girlfriend). I also gathered that his current girlfriend's obsession is specifically related to her feelings of intellectual inferiority and that is how her ethnicity and parental pressure to succeed academically came into the discussion. Given my impression of the context, I didn't find him mentioning her ethnicity at all bizarre.

But, no matter what the details are that CHE left out and even if he made fun of his girlfriend for not being as smart as his ex, wishing the ex a slow and painful death because CHE is an asshole and generally obsessing about somebody he fucked once seven years ago is pretty fucking crazy

So, my advice to CHE would be: DTBSCMFA (the "BSC" is for Bat-Shit Crazy) and, depending on how crazy the stuff you left out really is (and I'm sure it's more than a little crazy), you shouldn't start dating again right away either and should focus on dealing with your own issues that caused you to contribute to and persist in this deeply unhealthy relationship.
44
I can relate to the girlfriend's jealousy of an ex. I used to experience a similar jealousy when I was younger. It had the potential to take an obsessive quality. However, I would keep it to myself as I was ashamed of the jealous feelings. Later in my mature adulthood, with the help of a good therapist, I learned about codependent attachment disorders and it's buddy: low self-worth, rooted in a childhood need for approval (approval = love). This girlfriend suffers from similar complexes but she takes it further in acting out on them. Therapy is her only chance for happy relationships in the future.

You can't love anyone until you truly love yourself.
45
LW: "(I'm not lying, I really do think she is better than my ex!)"

In what universe would this be true? LW has totally failed to convey anything about the new gf that is positive. Does she have incredible tits or something?
46
I'm curious about the timeline too, but the crazy girlfriend could be fixating on this particular ex regardless of whether or not there were more recent women in between them. My husband has one ex that I'm (slightly and not in a crazy way) jealous of. She is from five or six years before we met and there were other women after her that I'm not at all jealous of. It's just that one. And it's because I know that she's prettier, smarter, ballsier, more successful and more interesting than I am. (Not that my husband ever said this of course, just that I know enough about her to realize it.) She moved on and married an awesome guy herself. She broke up with my husband- not him with her or a mutual thing as was the case with others- and he was really bummed about it. This was all ancient history by the time we met, and I'm not an insane person so naturally I don't think about her all that much, have never trolled her online, and I certainly would never mean her any harm. But under the few circumstances that she comes up, I do think to myself, "damn, that's the girl that's cooler than me." So it's probably pretty normal to have some people that make you feel a little insecure in comparison while others don't, regardless of how much time has passed and how many people were in between. She's just blowing those normal responses totally out of proportion because she's a nutcase.
47
Someone that knows Chinese culture once told me that Chinese people (or some of them, I'd say) tend to feel superior than us Western people, to think their culture is better. Dunno if that's true, but maybe LW thinks it is and that's why to him her being Asian explains why she feels this competition towards his ex.
I also have an explanation on the why he and his gf know a lot about what his 7years ago girlfriend is currently doing, without he being a stalker or an asshole: they could live in a small town our a village. I used to, and my parents, who still do, know a lot about what all the people I went to school with are currently doing. Actually they know even about people i was in kindergarten with!
So maybe one day they were hanging out at his parents' and his mom said: remember Rachel, the daughter of Trish, the girl you dated in high school? She is at Harvard now.
...ding! Shitcake is ready!
48
@47: Borderline Personality Disorder isn't caused by growing up Asian.
49
That would be a great red herring if Asian turned out to be an editorial invention.
50
@34 I agree. I mean if she has braggy parents of friends I could see how that info would get back to him, especially since until the GF started messing with his head he was pretty neutral towards this ex. He had no reason to avoid information about her.

And considering how hung up his GF is I could see her endlessly harassing him for information, even if he no longer cares.

I think being Asian is an issue for her, not him, and I wouldn't be surprised if it's her go-to excuse when being called out for her behavior. I have no idea if her household was super-strict or not and I think people are reading more into it than intended.
51
Tell her that she makes a way better ex-girlfriend than Ex does.
52
@51 Thank you,
53
BigSteve @45, I think debug @40 already answered that question. She clearly has a magical golden vagina.
54
She needs help. If LW really does love her and is committed to their relationship, he can try to help her see that she does need professional help and possibly medication. He can be supportive. I don't think this is a DTMFA situation at this point and I think suggesting that was ableist. I'm seeing a lot of hatred toward the mentally ill here and a lot of name calling (nutcase etc.) I guarantee these actions are coming from her being in a living hell that her mental illness is causing. If LW tries to assist her in getting help and she refuses, or after trying it's still going nowhere it could be time to move on. He obviously does care about her and has invested a year with her. He wrote the letter seeking help for his relationship. Calling her a mother fucker, if only in acronym, is a super shitty way to treat someone for having a mental illness.
55
"I don't think this is a DTMFA situation at this point and I think suggesting that was ableist...I guarantee these actions are coming from her being in a living hell that her mental illness is causing."

Describing mental illness as though it excused flagrant emotional abuse is ableist. You wouldn't recommend someone stick around with a neurotypical abuser, would you? Mental illness doesn't excuse her behavior any more than being Asian does. As terrible as her living hell may be, she lost the right to sympathy when she started dragging him down into it with her. If it's that horrible for her, she should know not to inflict it on others.
56
Believe it or not there are people who care about their mentally ill partners enough to stand by them while they get treatment. Since that isn't something that has happened yet, there's no reason not to try it before jumping ship if he wants the relationship, which it sounds like he does. Like I said, if she won't get help or it isn't making life better for him with her, then it may be time to move on.

No one has a right to sympathy; it's up to an individual whether or not they give it. You obviously don't have any for her, but it sounds like her partner does.
57
The letter writer should steel himself to be hated deeply when he dumps this disturbed woman.

The type of crazy he is describing is the sort that is unlikely to cheerfully move forward after being dumped.

Part of the reason, subconsciously, that he's stayed with her might be a tinge of fear. She will quite possibly be a genuinely terrifying ex-girlfriend, and on some level he knows that. And it scares him.
58
@Hollyferocious,

I'm crazy-tolerant. But speaking from experience, there are different kinds of crazy and they affect partners differently. He appears to be young and inexperienced and the bats in her belfry appear to be of the personality disorder (harder to treat) type as opposed to (or in addition to) the mood-disorder (easier to treat) type. I would recommend that he leave her in order to protect himself.

He can offer to be a supportive friend while she gets therapy but I suspect that he would need counselling himself in order to help him assert his boundaries during the inevitable relapses.

Leaving her would not necessarily be bad for her. It would demonstrate to her that there are consequences to letting her fantasies grow unchecked. Why would she want to work in therapy to fix things if her current mode of operation was working for her?

Leaving her doesn't mean that she is a bad or terrible person for having brain cooties. It simply models healthy self-respect. "Look, I can decide to leave you because you aren't good for me right now... and neither of us die!" Someone upthread wondered whether she were an adult. It's a good question. This is exactly the kind of experience that people use to grow.
59
Alison@58 for the win.
60
Atheism @57: good points.
61
@56: "Believe it or not there are people who care about their mentally ill partners enough to stand by them while they get treatment."

There are, no need for the sarcasm. But I wouldn't recommend it for this sort of personality disorder. They need to learn to love themselves and operate solo before they can be in a healthy relationship.

@58: "He can offer to be a supportive friend while she gets therapy but I suspect that he would need counselling himself in order to help him assert his boundaries during the inevitable relapses. "

+1000. This is not a healthy pairing, and they will both be better off without each other.
62
@9 and @Mabb, thanks for being brave enough to discuss your previous behavior and how you sought treatment.

undead ayn rand@10: self-hatred personified: YES!!

I agree with Capricornius@59: Alison@58 wins.

I too spent years feeling and exhibiting insecure behavior toward partners, though I also felt shame and tried to hide and/or apologize for these feelings often. I never wished ill fate toward any person (that seems perhaps like a more serious red flag?), because I was always aware that it was self-hatred and insecurity, not reality. And I'm just not the ill-fate-wishing type.

It took over a decade of therapy, a willingness to admit my (insecurity) problem, and a willingness to face any personal demons in order to be free of dysfunctional insecurity. In my case, issues such as prolonged childhood abuse were contributing factors (yes, treatable!).

But I'm happy to say that I'm a happy, high-functioning, independent, loving person now, able to fully regulate dysfunctional insecure thoughts. And self-aware & communicative.

Here's wishing LW his freedom from these negative experiences and healing, and wishing the girlfriend a great therapeutic journey.
63
LML@35 nailed it. She's an abusive borderline. My girlfriend was like this and I married her to make her feel better.

There is a sense in which her distress and obsession is genuinely and honestly felt and so you feel like you cannot hold it against her. It is still manipulative and abusive toward you and you still have to protect yourself.

She will make a far better ex-girlfriend than ex-wife who you are trying to co-parent with.

Last week my household got woken up by the police at 1am to order me not to contact my ex in any way, not to approach my children's schools or anywhere their mother might be (how I would know is not clear) and to be in court at 9am that day to answer fabricated domestic violence claims. This week I have Monday off work to go to one court for an urgent order that she and the one of my kids she is keeping out of contact go back to the court appointed psychiatrist with us which she had agreed to but suddenly withdrew consent with one business day to go, Tuesday off work to go to the psychiatrist with them, Wednesday off work to attend a different court to answer charges of domestic violence despite not having been near her front door for years.

This is that same amazing sweet (hot) hate filled girl 25 years on. Your girlfriend won't be that bad? Maybe. For me looking back, my children's mother's current abusive behaviour is only as crazy as her hatreds that began with my exes and extended to my friends and family.

Ghost her. Block her. Disappear.
64
count@ 63. Ouch. I'm sorry you are being put thru this. And yes, the LW needs to get himself away from this woman. Make a strong and clean break. As Dan said, this woman is unwell, and indulging her illness will only see it gain in intensity.
65
@62: Awesome! So good to hear of persons triumphing over themselves (a great adversary.)
66
@56 You realize what you said is manipulative as fuck right? You can love someone and still leave them because partners are not therapists and relationships are not prisons.

Dan has a point that as long as the LW stay the girlfriend has no real motivation to seek help. I mean why should she when everyone is putting up with her bullshit?

Sometimes the best thing you can do for someone is to walk away from them.
67
@66: "You realize what you said is manipulative as fuck right?"

Besides, all mental illness is the same, right? Depression, bipolar, sociopathy, BPD/NPD, massively dysfunctional codependency, even if it's counter to their recovery, obviously the relationship holds priority over their well-being.

Sometimes the healthiest solution for all parties is to exit a relationship destroyed by neurosis and self-hatred.
68
LW, place this in a message to yourself, and make a note to open it two months from now:

"You realize that she will never change, right? You realize that neither you nor she has the slightest reason to hate your ex from seven years ago, right? You understand that when you wrote this message two months ago, your life was kind of nightmarish from your girlfriend's horrible anxiety, self-hatred, and unwillingness to imagine anything other than death for your ex, right? Good. Now: it's been two months. Has anything changed? No? Are you surprised? No, you are not. She will not change. She will also refuse to end things with you. It is up to you to be the grownup here. You and she both will survive."
69
@48 "Borderline Personality Disorder isn't caused by growing up Asian."
I know and, if you re-read my comment, I have never said that it did.
70
Some manifestations of mental illness can be shaped by culture certainly, but in this case it only shapes her excuses. Possibly a lack of familial support system?

But he didn't mention anything about her family, so that might not be true either.