In S01E06 of Roadies, Kelly Ann (Imogen Poots) the nymph-like electrician loses her laminate and may be forced to wear a turkey hat.
In S01E06 of Roadies, Kelly Ann (Imogen Poots) the nymph-like electrician loses her laminate and may be forced to wear a turkey hat. Courtesy Showtime

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Last week, showbiz correspondent Megan Koester made the case that Roadies, the new Showtime series created by Cameron Crowe, was more or less the worst thing on TV:

Roadies follows the trials and tribulations of a ragtag group of all-white (natch) roadies (double natch) who live for the music, specifically the music played by the wildly successful fictional arena rock group the Staton-House Band. While the Staton-House band may be fictional, cameos from actual musicians (like the Head and the Heart, Lindsay Buckingham, and Reignwolf, whoever the fuck that is), abound. The program stars Luke Wilson and Carla Gugino, both of whom deserve better.

Her commitment to watching and recapping the show "because you will not" continues with episode six, below:

Episode Six: Longest Days
I’m excited to watch this week’s episode because I know Marc Maron is a guest star. Will he reprise his classic “Lock the gates!” line from Almost Famous? Will he be able to competently act as himself, a task he failed to perform in his dramedy Maron (which was NOT recently cancelled, thank you very much, but organically decided to end after four groundbreaking seasons)? Will this episode of Showtime’s Roadies be brought to you by Squarespace? Inquiring minds want—nay, need—to know!

Kelly Ann lost her laminate; she now has to, as Shelli puts it, “wear the shame” of her transgression in the form of a turkey hat. The Limey’s walking with a spring in his step; he’s got a fever, and the only cure is more Janine!

The lead singer’s shitty kid, Winston, is trying to rattle his nanny Wes, who will not be rattled. “Why don’t you quit like all the others? Winston asks. “Because I have outlets, OK?” Wes replies. I play guitar. I garden. I blow people’s minds with coffee freak boy Mike Finger** says is controversial.” He had Winston at guitar. The kid wants to learn.

**(Whom you would recall from episode 5 if you had seen it, or any other Roadies episodes)

And all of a sudden, a man smoking indoors appears. His name is John Mellencamp, and he is going to teach Winston how to play guitar. Johnny Cougar introduces him to his “life’s companion,” an acoustic with a “This Machine Kills Fascists” sticker on it that once belonged to Woody Guthrie. Winston spills a smoothie on it. “Do you know what you just did, you little monster?” Wes yells. “You disrespected the man, man. OK? The Mellencamp, whose lyrics are quoted by Bob Fucking Dylan.” As even I didn’t know (and honestly, can’t quite believe) that Mellencamp’s lyrics are quoted by Bob "Fucking" Dylan, the likelihood of a child knowing seems impossibly slim.

The bass player, Rick, has flown in his neighbor from LA, Marc Maron, to help him stay sober; Maron, a “big SHB” (Staton-House Band, you will obviously recall) fan, is honored to both do the deed and open for the band, despite the roadies’ desire he not. He looks directly into camera upon exiting a scene. Though the show is not shot faux-documentary style, the look makes the cut.

Janine makes it backstage and the sparks fly; furious that Chris has never reached out to her over the years, she tells him to go fuck himself. And that she has a book deal. AND a lawyer. She wants to be paid what she, his well-milked muse, deserves. She also brings up the fact that Bill fucked her in the front seat of his Volvo while she and Chris were dating. AWK-WARD!

“I don’t know if you’ve ever listened to my Lorne Michaels interview,” Maron tells Bill, “but I’m starting to realize that my entire podcast is about me getting to the bottom of my rejection from SNL.” Having opened for “the SHB,” however, he feels whole. This is what he should be doing, helping Rick stay sober and acting as the band’s opener. Bill tries to gently disabuse him of this notion, but Maron’s not taking it lying down. “It’s like Lorne Michaels all over again,” he laments, before telling Bill to go fuck himself and wandering away with a hula hoop-holding groupie.

“I’m lost,” he tells her. “Not anymore,” she replies, taking his hand and, presumably, leading him to a dark corner in which to fuck. Hey—he may never be a rockstar, but he can certainly get HPV from girls in their early 20s who can’t tell the difference.

The song of the day, naturally, is ”Longest Days” by John Mellencamp. Roadies is the longest hour-long show on television.