Trump describes how it is actually he who is the inspiration for every pizza box. Youre welcome, America.
Trump describes how it is actually he who is the inspiration for every pizza box. You're welcome, America. JStone /

Okay, let's see here, what's the dumbest news about Donald Trump from this weekend? Hmmm, there's his repeated attacks on the family of a dead soldier, that's pretty stupid. There's the time he got stuck in an elevator and had to be rescued by firefighters, then went to a rally to bad-mouth the fire marshall. Or how about the time he said Putin would never invade Ukraine, even though he invaded it years ago?

Enjoy PNW beer on Cascade's DIY Bike 'n' Brews
Grab a friend and enjoy Cascade Bicycle Club's urban bike ride, a PNW microbrew lover's adventure

Yes these are all fine dumb headlines. But oh wait, what's this? The Koch brothers are telling their billionaire buddies to cut their losses because Trump's such a loser? Hahaha, okay, let's talk about that.

Naturally, Trump claims that HE'S the one who refused to meet with the Kochs. Yeah okay sure buddy.

Trump is a notorious cheapskate with his own money, so it sure would be weird if he rebuffed the Kochs, who to most politicians physically manifest as two walking, withered checkbooks. And given that the brothers have been criticizing him for months, I doubt they're suddenly interested in grabbing coffee, even though they all happened to be holding meetings in Colorado Springs this weekend.

At their meeting, one Koch reportedly told attendees, "At this point I can't support either candidate ... but I'm certainly not going to support Hillary."

Okay dude you do realize that they're the only two choices, right? So, like the weirdos supporting Jill Stein or Gary Johnson, by opposing Trump you're helping Hillary. It's not like you're going to be able to unexpectedly summon Bahamut at the last minute to wipe out both parties. That's not how elections work. Also, it's not how summons work.

Anyway, as pleasurable as it is to see rich people fight, it's not totally good news that the Kochs are abandoning Trump. Instead, they said, they're going to focus on Senate races in Ohio, Pennsylvania, Nevada, Florida, and Wisconsin. They have about $750 million to spend on purchasing seats in Congress.

Tracing that money to politicians is a little tricky, since it's rinse-cycled and tumble-dried through financially-obscured groups like "American Commitment" and "Americans for Prosperity" and "PR-Dist LLC" which is actually just Americans for Prosperity with a different name.

But we do know that one of their tentacles spent $129 million on the 2014 elections. And we know that among their spends during this cycle are ad buys in opposition to former Ohio governor Ted Strickland (who is now running for Senate) and Wisconsin Senator Russ Feingold.

Support The Stranger

Strickland is running against Republican Rob Portman, who is exactly where you'd expect a Republican to be on issues like abortion, LGBT rights, and the environment. Russ Feingold is running against Republican Ron Johnson, who is similarly unsurprising on issues like gun safety, Obamacare, and abortion. He also opposed expanding the statute of limitations for child sex abuse, coincidentally while working for the Roman Catholic Diocese. What a trustworthy guy!

It's great that the Kochs are supporting Hillary Clinton, even if they don't see it that way. But even if she wins — which is still a big maybe, since Nate Silver still has the race close to 50/50, yikes — she'll still face a bunch of Koch-bots in Congress.

Given the ratfucking that the Republicans gave to congressional districts after the last census, and successful Republican initiatives to block minorities from voting, President Clinton may find her first term as hobbled as President Obama found his second.