But wait, theres more!
"But wait, there's more!" Evan El-Amin / Shutterstock.com

It's been a very good July for Hillary Clinton. Oh sure, she had to endure a lot of chatter about email servers. But she also beat Donald Trump at the only game that actually matters to him: making money.

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Hillary and the Democrats raked in $63 million last month just for her campaign — $89 million when you include money raised for the party and local candidates. Not bad! Somebody please draw a cute little caricature of Hillary holding two bags with dollar signs on them and grinning. I would also accept Hillary swimming in a gold chamber like Scrooge.

Donald, on the other hand, says that he picked up just $35.8 million. "This is unheard of for Republicans," he boasted. He's correct; it's unheard of in that it is really bad.

Just for comparison, the previous rich white guy raised around $100 million in July on 2012. Then again, Mitt Romney wasn't promising to self-fund his campaign like Trump; but then again again, Trump has never actually self-funded anything.

To be fair, Clinton has some expenses that Trump doesn't. She has to pay for advertising, while Trump gets free coverage every time he opens his God damn fool mouth. (Yesterday he said that wind energy "kills all your birds"; the truth is that way more birds are killed by windows and cats.)

If the national conventions are to be thought of as infomercials, Hillary's was certainly more successful than Trump's: Just in the 24 hours around her speech, the campaign got $8.7 million from supporters. The DNC was like a successful, well-oiled Kickstarter; the RNC was like a late-night pitch for one of those belts that tones your abs by giving you mild unpleasant electric shocks.

The Trump campaign's fundraising is still showing signs of having gone off the rails, or maybe never having been on the rails in the first place, or possibly being a golf cart that a drunk frat guy stole and tried to drive into a subway tunnel. One of Trump's top fundraisers, a hedge fund skink named Anthony Scaramucci, said that he's frequently briefed on fundraising and expected the July totals to be somewhere around $70 million. According to top financial experts, $70 million is different from $35.8 million.

Meanwhile, Hillary has some big moneymaking ventures lined up: Leonardo DiCaprio is holding a fundraiser for her with $33,400 tickets. Leo previously supported Bernie, so it's nice to see him adjusting to the new candidate. He also previously appeared on Growing Pains, so let's never forget that.

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The campaign is also holding a fundraiser by Aspen, where pretty much everything is for rich people; Hillary won't appear but Elizabeth Banks will. The Buffets held a fundraiser where tickets were $100,000. Tim Cook's fundraiser priced tickets at $50,000. Tickets to a Hamptons fundraiser will run you $33,000.

The point is: there's no stopping the conveyor belts that dump cash from rich people into politics. That kind of sucks, but at least the belts seem to be moving more effectively for Hillary than they do for Trump.

Yes, it's lousy that rich people get to choose the president. But at least this time around, most of them seem to be choosing the better of the two options.