I think that my husband voted for Trump, and I do actually want to leave him. In two years, when our youngest is two.
I am just done with all the misogyny. I have been wanting to leave for some time, and I told him before the baby was born that I want out by the end of her second year, so we need to get my business to a place where we can afford two households. That's what I'm working on.
But how do I get through these two years? I just see in him all this old white guy crap that is what is wrong with the world. He belittles me, places more value on his paycheck than everything I do to be a mother to our four children. He is so utterly unconscious that I can not even remember having a conversation with him where he actually listened to my point of view. I can't think of a day where he was actually present with any of our children. He just turns the TV on and gets mad at them when they bother him. He's a total conspiracy nut, and just preaches without ever listening.
A few years ago, I realized that you were wise in telling people to get high if that's the thing that makes their sex lives work. I started eating the occasional brownie, and I started fucking my husband again. It was so nice. We didn't deal with any of our issues, but they seemed like they became smaller and we were happier and we worked together to achieve things. He's a much kinder and centered person when he's getting laid! He has this gentleness about him that is so likable when he has that in his life.
But, I keep getting pregnant that way. He keeps saying that he'll get a vasectomy, but it never happens. Hormonal birth control is out for me, and condoms are just, ugh. I can't get off. But he's a self-centered pig of a man, and the snip is just so inconvenient for him "right now" = always.
Add to that that when we were making a point of having sex often, it was really me. I made the time. I severely limit the kids' screen time, so I figured if we were both home and they were watching the screen, we should be getting high and connecting sexually. He never bothered to make the time.
I have two boundaries about sex: not when I'm sleeping, and not when he's drunk. In all these 12 years together, I'm pretty sure he has only initiated when he was drunk or I was asleep. The longer we go without sex, the more he drinks, and the meaner he gets about it and literally tries to force himself on me. I feel so fucking violated. Especially in the light that he can say that it's my fault that it's been so long, when he doesn't even try to put even a little effort into planning to stay sober enough. I find him absolutely repulsive when he's drunk, like not at all connected. Oh, and he also insists on having a giant Duck Dynasty beard which I also regard as a serious turn off and we haven't kissed in the eight years that that monster has been on his face.
What do I do? Someone needs to fuck this man so that he's nice to be around. It used to be that I would recognize that problem, and get swirly enough to do something about it. But I just hate the way men like Trump have treated me throughout my whole life so much, that I just want to tell them all to go fuck themselves. I have read your column enough to know that you might recommend a sex worker. We live in a small town, we pinch our pennies, and he's kind of old school. I just don't see that as a solution. He doesn't watch any porn or masturbate at all either—sorry to burst your bubble there Dan but I would have found out by now.
How can I pull this off? I want my kids to stop seeing me get disrespect from their father, and he does treat me better when we're fucking, and he thankfully has a pretty low libido. Like once a month is probably plenty. As it is now, we've had sex once since the baby was born, and once after I got pregnant. She's nearly six months old, so that's very little. Also, I'm not a stoner. My baby is just starting to dabble in solids, and she's otherwise exclusively breastfed.
You give the best, most thoughtful advice Dan. Please tell me what to do.
Not Giving A Fuck
Sorry the SLLOTD is so late today, gang. I'll give you one guess as to why that might be.
Anyway, NGAF, I want to congratulate you on making the choice to divorce your Duck Dynasty motherfucker of a husband. Trump voter or not (distrust but verify, as someone or other almost said), your husband sounds like an asshole, and a rapey one at that. Leaving him and his old white guy crap is a choice that took courage and self-respect. Or it's a choice that will take courage and self-respect, I mean, since you haven't technically left him yet. Either way, I admire you for making up your mind to make that choice. (I actually want to scream that you should divorce him right now, NGAF, and leave him to rot while he watches Trump TV with no one to care for him. But divorces take time and cost money, especially when there are children involved. Still: It kills me to think that you're living with someone who violates you and who can't be trusted not to sabotage your business, it he's aware that's what it'll take to keep you. (Is he aware of that?()
In the meantime, NGAF, engage in domestic acts of resistance to maintain your sanity and self-respect—like getting a non-hormonal IUD from your nearest Planned Parenthood.
Stop picking up after the asshole. Let him see how his world falls apart without your thoughtful and generous care that he doesn't deserve. Your bearded, groping man-child husband and his sexual needs are not your top priority—your future is. Build your business, let your marriage whither. Like you said, men like Trump have drained you your entire life. Now's the time to take your life back. To that end: move into another bedroom, if you have one, and put a lock on the door. Tell him your sexual relationship is over. Tell him if he touches you without your consent, you'll report him for marital rape.
The next few years are going to be rough, NGAF, for you and us all, particularly immigrants, Muslims, people of color, and queers. Women's bodies are under attack everywhere. I don't know what small town you live in, but now is the time to start building a community of supportive friends that can help pull you and your children get out of this marriage. I'm going to borrow a slogan Hillary Clinton since, you know, she's not using it anymore: We're Stronger Together. Assemble your team.
And remember, Hillary Clinton won the fucking popular vote. You are not alone. We're in for a nightmare, apocalyptic presidency led by a reality TV star who got to the White House by appealing to the worst impulses of white, whiny and weak men like your husband. (And, sad to say, a lot of white, whiny and weak women.) At the very least, it'll take us a decade or two to dig ourselves out from under this catastrophe. But we will. And that starts by holding your momma head high with pride, with the knowledge that your body is yours. Fuck your husband. (Not literally, of course, not if you can help it.)