Could you give my email address to Constantly Lamenting Over Sudden Unexplained Relationship Ending, aka CLOSURE in yesterday's SLLOTD? I just went through a similar thing and had a similar reaction. He probably does need to talk to a therapist but what I needed more than anything was compassion. I'd be glad to offer him some if you want to give him my email address...

Don't Underestimate My Pain Enduring Dumping

Nope. Thanks for writing, DUMPED, and I would pass your email address along to CLOSURE if I could pass it along but I can't pass it along because my lawyers won't let me. They're always crawling up my ass about the legal liability of putting one reader in touch with another reader who could be a bad kisser, a shitty person, a serial killer, a Trump cabinet pick or all of the above. That said, DUMPED, I can't stop readers from throwing themselves at each other in the comment thread.

And speaking of CLOSURE....

Hey, holy shit, you read the whole thing. Thanks for putting in the extra time. So, here are my clarifications. I tried to edit for brevity, but it's hard.

First, I am not demanding that she "win an argument" before ending the relationship. The relationship is already over. No argument needed. When I use phrases like "if she is willing," I accept her decision. That doesn't mean that she couldn't give me some peace of mind to know WHY the relationship is over. That also doesn't mean that we can't try rekindling it, both sides willing of course. You've said in one of your posts something like "the world is full of couples that got back together." If nothing else, more info would let me know if there are things that I might want to re-evaluate about myself.

You wondered "if there isn't more going on here." Well, I can't summarize our relationship in a few paragraphs, but I'm not sure what exactly you are looking for. I am not trying to minimize things like abusive, threats, yelling, jealousy, manipulative behaviors. None of those ever happened during our two years. The fact that my ex still talks to me should hopefully indicate this. My "I am human" statement referred to a mild health issue I was having. My girlfriend knew as much as I did at the time, and was supportive. However, it definitely meant that I wasn't always as attentive to her as I could have been.

As for the F-word, admittedly, I am angry at times by the situation. This is something that I work very hard to tamp down when I am around her (again, because I am aware of her conflict aversion). I am letting loose a bit with you because, well, you seem pretty ok with direct conflict, and fucking swear words :).

So, why do her and I keep meeting? I can only speak for myself: Yes, I am still curious about getting back together. But, even if we cannot, you yourself have toted the virtues of being friendly with an ex. From her end, I can only speculate. Perhaps she is so over it that it doesn't bother her. Perhaps she feels guilty, or is convincing herself that seeing me in a friendly capacity means "it's all good." Perhaps she feels some social obligation to be friends with her exes (e.g., she still talks to that one abusive asshole).

And, you're right. You can't always get what you want, but that doesn't mean that you can't still want it and ask for it. It also doesn't mean that the person denying you the thing you want is allowed absolute immunity, especially if they know that it is something that would quiet your misery, and comes with relatively low risk for them.

Regarding PTSD, I am exaggerating a bit, but it seems reasonable to me that this whole event would change how I act in future relationships, that it might chip away at my trust in others, etc. Though I do appreciate the suggestions of counseling and coping skills. That's something I will definitely look into.

You mentioned that we should not keep talking if "rehashing the end of this relationship is the only thing you have to discuss." I assure you, the relationship is actually a small part of our conversations, especially recently. As I said, our times together actually resemble our first few dates, back when we were getting to know each other... because, well, we are kinda re-getting to know each other. This whole thing has opened up some lines of communication, some of it quite deep and personal (just not the line of communication that reveals the relationship problems). Plus, since we talk less frequently than we did during the romantic relationship, we have a lot more "catching up" to do. So, it's not like our meetings are just me crying "why?" and her asserting "just because." So, we are connecting in friendly ways as well. Which leads me to my question:

Why write off a reconciliation? Not disagreeing with you on your "no" statement. I was just hoping for more details there, like "only 1% of broken-up couples get back together" and/or "your desire to get back together will actually prevent it from happening." Something like that.

Whew, that's it. If you made it this far, thanks again for slogging through (no pun indented).

Constantly Lamenting Over Sudden Unexplained Relationship Ending

Thanks for writing... and writing... and writing, CLOSURE, and I hope you looked at the comment thread on the post. My readers had some good advice for you. Some of their advice for you was gentle...

Two people who don't live close to each other and don't spend enough time together then go away on a vacation together after which the LW gets dumped. Why? Because his beloved saw-heard-experienced more than she'd known about him as they were sharing living and sleeping space for a brief (but extended) time. Evidently, what she saw-heard-experienced was more than enough for her to have a visceral reaction and serious doubts for the future of this relationship. Someone above mentioned that you can't "logic" someone into saving a relationship, especially if the one who broke it off was acting upon a gut feeling. She may not be able to specify just why she broke things off, but it will be worse for you, LW, if you continue to try to pry it out of her. Let it go. Let her go. And don't go to the extent (oh, the drama of modern life) of blocking her. Just don't contact her (or stalk, etc.).

...some of it gently insightful...

Ever heard the phrase "It's not you, it's me"? It exists for a reason. Maybe it is her. It sounds like she wants something that she can't put her finger on, but whatever it is, you can't offer it. She hoped you could; she spent two years trying to round you up to one, but eventually she realised it wouldn't happen. Maybe there is no big reason; maybe there are a lot of little reasons. Maybe it's just her trusting her instinct. And here you are trying to argue her out of trusting her instinct. If she can't verbalise the exact sources of her discontent, then maybe that is her, not you; her inability to communicate effectively is a reason you should be glad the relationship is over.

...and some of it not-so-gentle:

Maybe the reason she doesn't give you reasons is that you always have a ready solution (in your own mind, at least) for every reason she's offered thus far. Rather than face an Oxford-style debate every time the two of you engage in a relationship discussion, she's chosen to move on. Some people prefer to end troublesome relationships quietly and without drama - so you will have to figure out your own closure strategy for this one, CLOSURE. Suggestion from someone who's been in your shoes before? Next time around, you should make a greater effort to shut up and listen, rather than always trying to score your own extremely valid points. So. There's your answer. There's your closure. Feel better?

All of it is worth a read, CLOSURE, if you can hack it in your delicate state. (Remember: some commenters are assholes—although I'm glad to say that commenters on SLLOTD are less assholey than most. But please ignore the assholes.) And now, quickly, in answer to your final question...

Yes, there are lots of couples out there who split up and got back together and it all worked out until one or the other or both of them dropped dead. But those couples are relatively rare—forgive me for overstating their numbers—and in any case, CLOSURE, it's in the best interest of the dumpee to assume the dumper won't wanna get back together.

Now if the dumpee wants to get back together, CLOSURE, they can and should let the dumper know—as you've already done—but the dumpee should, again, proceed under the assumption that the relationship is over. (That means getting on with your life, CLOSURE, getting your ass back out there, dating/kissing/fucking other people, etc.) Then if the dumpee should from hear from the dumper—and hear what the dumpee most wants to hear ("Take me back")—it'll come as a pleasant surprise. But if the dumpee never hears from the dumper again, the dumpee didn't waste more time and energy than was necessary pining away for someone they couldn't have.

In other words, CLOSURE: It's better for a dumpee to "live in nope" than "live in hope."