Look, Im clearly the dumbest person on this show, and even I know that Carl is dumb as shit.
"Look, I'm clearly the dumbest person on this show, and even I know that Carl is dumb as shit." Courtesy AMC

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Hey Walking Dead fans, this just in: CARL IS DUMB. You'll know what I mean if you watched last night's episode, so join me after the jump for a SPOILER-FILLED recap of how incredibly stupid Carl really is. I mean... dear god, he's dumb. DUMB! Let's start chitty-chatting.

Okay, here's what I'm thinking about last night's episode, "Sing Me a Song."

1) While Ranger Rick is determined to follow Negan's directions to a tee and run around the countryside collecting supplies for his new Fuhrer, he's pretty much the only one: Michonne collects zombie bodies to make a road block to capture a Negan follower, while Sgt. McSexy coerces Fat Elvis into making her a single bullet for her assassin's gun. All pretty much stupid ideas. However none are as stupid as the goddamn STUPID plan One-Eyed Carl's Jr. has for assassinating Negan! Let's examine its stupidity in detail, shall we?

2) So One-Eyed Carl's Jr. hops on the back of Negan's truck with Karate Jesus, and tricks him into jumping off early. When the truck arrives, Carl's Jr. steps out with an assault weapon and is all like, "Say hello to my little friend!" STUPID THING ONE: Carl was insanely lucky that Negan was even there to greet the truck, and yet? He still kills two other Saviors before pointing his gun at Negan—THE ENTIRE PURPOSE HE JUMPED ON THE TRUCK IN THE FIRST PLACE! Dear god. Obviously he's knocked on his ass and disarmed, but then proceeds to STUPID THING TWO: Insulting Negan. Luckily for him, Negan is weirdly impressed with Carl's Jr.'s chutzpah (which we all correctly recognize as stupidity) and decides to drag him around the compound because it's probably "Take Your Stupid One-Eyed Enemy's Son to Work Day."

3) After showing the kid how everybody kneels whenever he walks into a room (cool trick, bro), Negan brings Carl's Jr. to his "Room of Wives"—which includes Scarface Dwight's ex (Sherry) and a bunch of other Savior ladies dressed like the women in Robert Palmer's "Addicted to Love" video. Negan gets Sherry to narc out another one of the wives who had a secret meetup with her lover. Scarface Dwight and Daryl (carrying a cheese tray!!! YES!!!) walk in to see Negan and Sherry massaging each other's tonsils with their tongues. Gross.

4) Negan takes Carl's Jr. back to his room—did you get the heebie jeebies from this, like I did?—and orders him to take off his bandage and show off his eye socket. (I have to admit I was kind of curious myself until I saw how fake it looks.) He then tells Carl's Jr. to sing him a song, which he does—a VERY UNROUSING version of "You are My Sunshine." Carl's Jr. needs to sing from his diaphragm, and make a lot of sweeping hand gestures—otherwise he'll never make it on The Voice. Hey, let's go burn someone's face off with a hot iron!

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5) Negan gathers the troops to show them what happens when someone—like the dude who snuck off with one of Negan's wives—breaks the rules: He gets a hot iron to the face, which weirdly caused more wrinkles, rather than less. Also I would've used less steam, and put it on the "linens" setting. Okay, I'm getting bored, so let's just hit the highlights: Carl's Jr. (stupidly) threatens Negan again, someone slips a key to Daryl in his cell, Karate Jesus hops on the truck that's taking Negan and Carl's Jr. back to Alexandria, Negan finds Judith and cuddles her on the front porch while they wait for the return of Rick, who has to swim a zombie lake to get some guns on a dead guy's houseboat, and Spencer keeps bitching about overthrowing Rick, and (as usual) acts like a big dumb dick. Aaaaaand fin!

6) Sorry for the accelerated version of events, but I AM GETTING BORED WITH THIS SHOW! I don't really believe that Negan is going to kill anyone else of import, and while WD still provides one sweet zombie kill money shot per episode, the rest of the show just makes me feel gross and think of Trump all the time. So next week, I'll do the recap of the mid-season finale, and then I'll take a much-needed break from all this lack of humanity. OH, AND BY THE WAY, CARL? This is how you sing "You Are My Sunshine." You're welcome.

TBH? Negan is a LOT more fun.
"TBH? Negan is a LOT more fun." Courtesy AMC