Straight male fan, Dan. I'm visiting with a lover Jan 10-15th before she leaves the country for awhile. We want to have a week of amazing passionate no condom sex. It will be the week right before her period usually falls. STD risk already addressed. My question is what is the best birth control option for us in such a strictly short term scenario. We don't want to use spermicide or a diaphragm. Having a baby together is definitely not an option right now. Our idea is to use ella or Plan B or something equally effective after our fucking marathon. Do you feel this would be a sound decision? If not, what would you recommend?

Fucking Is Very Exciting, Dan, As You Say

Anal. I would recommend anal, FIVEDAYS. All the kinds.

If anal isn't on the menu—if it isn't her idea of a viable birth control method—she's not gonna wanna wait until the end of your fuck fest to start taking Plan B, FIVEDAYS, as Plan B's effectiveness decreases with each passing hour. ella, on the other hand, is just as effective after five days. Take it away, Planned Parenthood...

Plan B, My Way, Next Choice, and other levonorgestrel morning-after pills work best when you take them quickly after unprotected sex. They’ll work best up to 3 days (72 hours) after unprotected sex. You can take these up to 5 days (120 hours) after sex, but they don’t work nearly as well by day 5. You can take ella up to 5 days (120 hours) after unprotected sex. It works just as well on day 5 as it does on day 1.

To be clear about ella: "just as well" = "lowers your chances of getting pregnant by 85 percent." That's pretty good, FIVEDAYS, but 15% ain't zero. (Remember when they gave Donald Trump a 5% chance of winning the White House? And then roughly the same odds they gave the Cubs of winning the World Series? Those were good times.) But since a woman's period falls roughly two weeks after ovulation, and since an egg is only viable/fertilizable for 12-24 hours after ovulation (I've been Googling—can you tell?), your planned fuck fest would seem to fall at a time in your lover's cycle when she's unlikely to get pregnant. (Once again, Planned Parenthood: "Pregnancy is most likely to happen from unprotected vaginal intercourse during the six days before ovulation. It is also possible, but not as likely, on the day after ovulation.")

Since your planned fuck fest is close to the start of your lover's period, FIVEDAYS, you're unlikely to get her pregnant... but you're definitely playing the odds. Always remember and never forget: Unlikely ≠ impossible. (See: Cubs, World Series; Trump, Donald; complacency, third-party voters.) But if Plan B or ella or timing or all of the above should fail you two... there's always plan A.

UPDATE: A reader tweets...

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