In case you're new to the party, we're midway through the revamp of America's Next Top Model (now on VH1) and it's ACTUALLY GOOD TV. This episode, Out For The Count, is about strength, bodies, and how "boxing is soooo trendy." Apparently. I mean, judge and "body activist" Ashley Graham said it, and she's pretty legit. (Now that I think about it, there are sooo many boxing clubs lately. I just saw a boxing club next to all those microbreweries in Ballard where the tech elite bring their smelly newborns for Sunday baby meet-ups. So, yeah, boxing must be trendy.) To go along with this week's theme, I'm highlighting some of the shadiest uppercuts thrown this episode:

“Maybe they didn't have trampolines in Gambia.” —Marissa, on Binta

This week, the girls have to show off their athletic sportiness by jumping on a trampoline in front of NYC's skyline. Pretty much all of them fail (except for Paige, who looks like a Nike ad and wins her first shoot). Binta almost falls off the trampoline (but so do all the other girls) and Marissa throws some lowkey shade by suggesting Gambia (Binta's original country) didn't have trampolines.

This led me down an unproductive brain spiral... Are there trampolines in Gambia? Are trampolines an American thing? Is it racist to think Gambia doesn't have trampolines? Is Gambia too busy for trampolines? If there are trampolines in Gambia, how many can there be? It's one of the smallest countries in Africa!

Google, BTW, didn't give me nothin' when I searched, "are there trampolines in Gambia?" So, being a good TV recapper, I went to the source: Binta's DM on Instagram.

Binta never got back to me. (Granted, I only gave her two hours to respond, but I've got a deadline, y'all.) So, in conclusion: IDK. There might not be trampolines in Gambia.

Ashley Graham, on Courtney's unicorn onesie:

Krislian has a really serious and sweet moment with Ashley Graham, who comes to the girls' home to cook dinner with them. The moment's all about body positivity, not needing to be oversexualized to be beautiful, and overcoming sexual harassment. It's genuine, beautiful—and then a unicorn enters. That unicorn happens to be Courtney, our beloved whiner of the group, dressed in a onesie. Graham then summarizes her speech with: "The only thing we should be ashamed of is that hoodie." I agree. (If I see sorority girls wearing fucking animal onesies again for Halloween this year I'm gonna implode. Animal onesies are to sorority girls what pajamas at Walmart are to people from Idaho: overdone. Write that on my fucking tombstone, y'all.)

After the unicorn interruption, the girls all thank God for allowing them to be on America's Next Top Model. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

"You have nothing to say but bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch.” —Tatiana, on Binta

Okay. Binta has been one of my favorites since episode 1. I'm a little biased. She's from Seattle and she's badass. She's got a temper. She will throw down and she's usually right. The problem is she's kind of unnecessarily temperamental. She's unfriendly. Maybe she's had a fight with every girl in the house. Maybe she's my role model. IDK. I'm not saying I have good judgment or that I make smart choices, and so maybe, just maybe... Binta is a little too extra. (Please don't beat me up, Binta! I still want to know about the Gambian trampolines!)

This week, Binta got into a fight with Tatiana because Tatiana has hair and it gets in the drain. Tatiana is even willing to clean up her hair. But Binta is like, NO! YOU'RE A LOSER! And then goes on an hour long tirade against the house. I want to hate it. I want to be all moralistic and be like Calm Down, Binta, Think About Friendship. But no. I love Binta. Binta's a boss.

But the real crux of the episode is Kyle's Achilles heel: tragic love. (Or, more specifically: lusting after pretty—but damaged—young girls). Remember episode 1 when Kyle fell in love with Starr in like 30 seconds and their love was brutally torn asunder? Kyle's got some classical, Shakespeare-level love issues. As Juliet warns in Romeo and Juliet, "Kyle is too rash, too unadvised, too sudden, / Too like the lightning." And she is. Kyle and Marissa have a whirlwind romance this episode. They decide they like each other. They kiss. And then Kyle says Marissa is difficult. Marissa says Kyle is needy. And they decide they NEED SPACE. I mean, I get it. I'm a young gay, too. I love a good, dramatic three-month relationship. But three hours? Come on... this is bullshit.

SPOILER ALERT: In the end, Cory Anne (our comeback kid) wins the photo shoot—again! We say goodbye to Krislian (finally), the girl I forgot to create a photo collage for last week because she was just so meh. But, in truth, Kyle should have gone home. She's not a great model and walks like a teen boy in heels. But, don't worry, next week is a choreography challenge with Beyonce's choreographer, Chris Grant. Kyle's def going home.