Savage Love
Feb 15, 2017 at 1:30 pm
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All these labels and categories and straitjackets and pigeon holes The Left insists on cramming folks into.
No wonder they are confused.
Homosexuality is something people do.
Or don't.
It is not what they are.
The Left wants to pretend that Homosexuality is a Thing, like skin colour or eye colour, that can't be changed.
They are wrong.
And kids like LW son pay the price.
Sure, he is confused.
All teenagers are.
About everything.
Homosexuality is very fashionable these days.
An 11 year old, or a 16 year old, can really raise their cool factor by claiming to be homosexual.
Or bi.
Or something.
Earlier generations got attention by growing their hair long.
Or dyeing it.
Today's kids can drop the Atom Bomb of non--conformity.
The problem is the desire to shock at 11 or 16 eventually goes away.
Kids grow up.
Luckily hair grows out.
Walking back a claim of being homosexual may not be so easy.
Kids should be taught healthy gender roles and what constitutes healthy responsible sexual behavior.
And left alone.
Don't cram them into your Leftist labels.
Our respective cultures strongly encourage us to pick one. Lots of straight people are invested in a monogamous ideal of marriage (however imperfectly adhered to in practice) that necessarily excludes same-sex relationships. As for gay men, have you heard the scorn heaped upon men who come out as bi?
So to get back to MO's question, it's possible that her son actually is confused. That's OK. You're supposed to be confused as a teenager. He'll work things out for himself as time goes by. The important things are to continue doing all those important parenting things that MO is already doing: being supportive, unconditional love, all that.
And yes, adding in the sex education that he's absolutely not getting in school is an important part of that.
Or don't.
It is not what they are.
That's carrying things too far. Homosexuality has been defined from the very beginning as an attraction to members of the same gender often with a lack of sexual interest in the opposite sex. It has nothing to do with acts, everything to do with what's going on inside your head (read Krafft-Ebing if you don't believe me; the word "homosexual" originated with the English translation of this work).
It's entirely possible to be homosexual and never engage in sexual acts at all. Eve Tushnet is basically the poster child for this point of view.
Came out as GAY! at 12.
In December 2005, Kerry Pacer, then 17, was featured on the cover of The Advocate as its "Person of the Year" — making her the youngest gay person to achieve that honor – for fighting for a "gay-straight alliance" at her high school.
Wow!
Kerry was interviewed by The Advocate:
Advocate: Do you think gay and lesbian people are born gay?
"Yes. I don’t think you have a choice. I knew when I was 12."
Double Wow!
Could a kid be any gayer than national cover girl hero Kerry?
Let's ask The Washington Blade reporter Dyana Bagby.
"...today she lives with her boyfriend, a construction worker, and their baby daughter, Marley, who turns 1 year old on Saturday."
Whaaaat?
"It’s me and the baby and Shannon [Phagan], who is my boyfriend."
Whaaaaaaaat?
"Yeah, well, we got together in high school. We started liking each other and started building a relationship. It was just fate we got together," she said. "You can’t help who you fall in love with. No matter what, you have to be happy and follow your dreams and be who you are."
indeed.
@1, you do realize you're probably bisexual, right? Nothin' wrong with that. Just don't assume that everybody is confused, or that everybody has a choice.
LW. If your son doesn't know you know then how do you know he's confused?
Maybe best to stay away from your son's sexual life until he confides in you and asks your opinion.
Once upon a time a person’s sexuality would have not been declared and cemented at the age of 11.
Once upon a time a parent would have been relieved to find out their supposedly homosexual child is fooling around with an OS.
Once upon a time a hairy male chest not only existed, but was even celebrated.
But the important thing is that the LW's knows about birth control and how to use it. And yes he will need this if he gets a boyfriend somewhere along the line.
And #1 I'm pretty sure there are many people who walked back from homosexuality. You do realize the Gay Mafia isn't a real thing right? They don't leave carousel horse heads in the beds of guys who realize they like girls too.
Work on your issues and figure out things for yourself, that’s what many others are doing.
It is also possible that your wife left you after realizing who you really are, not only because she was smart enough to get an education (or even a “nature-defying” career.)
“there are many people who walked back from homosexuality.”
As well as the other way around
Also, mom, wait for him to come to you. If he knows you love him as a gay kid, he probably knows you'll love him as a straight, bi, or pansexual one too. Hes 16, let him explore a bit.
Dan, if that's what you meant, I'm sorry to hear it. It was probably worse for her than you, but there's something uniquely and ironically bad about a gay boy or man accidentally getting a woman pregnant.
The other possibility, of course, is that the GIRL told the Mom about their weekend fun, assuming she already knew about it.
In any case, I think it might be best for them to have a frank sex talk without revealing that she knows what she knows, and stressing the need to wear condoms for EVERY sex act regardless of the partner's gender. I like TheMis @14's suggestion that she provide him with a large box of good-quality condoms that he can keep in his own room and use as needed, no questions asked.
Oh, and Mom? Please lay off the snooping, if that's what you were doing. A 16-year-old boy is entitled to privacy in his own house, unless he's broken your house rules so egregiously that he's lost that privilege. Even then, he should be able to regain his privacy by demonstrating consistently improved behavior and judgment.
I can understand your leaving out Tony DeFranco, but what kind of monster are you?
@22: Fair enough; still, I know was having (laughingly ignorant) sexual fantasies about girls at 10-11. If I'd had those feelings about boys, it wouldn't have been well-received 40 years ago to make an announcement about it, but either way, I already knew what I liked. But I am a weirdo, so there's that.
They're a repeatedly banned homophobic troll, just flag their account page and move on.
I think a lot of kids know by age 11 who they are having crushes on.
LW didn't say where she is from, but it is possible that the son is feeling some pressure to conform at school or among friends, despite mom being supportive of him. I like Dan's answer, but this might be another possibility.
DCP @15: That's what I read. Good on you, Dan, for having the courage to share that story!
And I also don't see the, ooh, maybe he should wait carefully before Coming Out because of how can he be sure, and does he know what's entailed. Unless he keeps his crushes secret, people are going to treat him as out. They might round to homo, he might round to homo. He might clarify his precise Kinsey score later. That's okay! His mom will deal.
I mean, *he's* clearly not locking himself into a rigid Suppress Any Attraction To Girls mode, so where is there any problem here?
I should really buy the book written about this story...
http://www.smithsonianmag.com/arts-cultu…
Of the former, one has been married to a woman for years now, and they very clearly love each other, he even expressed surprise that he wanted to be with her so strongly since he'd only ever been interested in being with guys before. (The BL manga trope of "I don't like guys! I only like you!" seems to be in play here, flipped) The other is in a master/pet relationship, where both of them find what they do together sexy but that's separate from wanting a 'standard' relationship with each other. While she's straight (or maybe bi), he would only be interested in a romantic relationship with a guy so identifies as gay.
I also know a lesbian who recently had the "I don't like guys! I only like you!" moment with someone who is now her boyfriend. Outside their relationship she still mainly looks at women (they are poly, this is OK), and I'm not sure she's actually identifying as bi now since her interest in other men is just about nonexistent. So it happens both ways, surprisingly or unsurprisingly.
I guess in short what I'm trying to express from all this is that identity is complicated and labels don't always perfectly encompass who you are, and that not conforming perfectly to a chosen orientation label is fine both for "teens figuring themselves out" and "adults in their 30s, 40s, or whatever."
a troll, but
His distinctive quasi-poetic
Style
is just too
Precious not to mock now and again.
It is ludicrous
It suggests profundity
without actually being profound, or even intelligent.
But it's kind of fun.
Thank you, Lance_
Thrustwell
You skewered him
so very
nicely.
@38: Sure, Floribama, I'll send something from my Yahoo account directly.
Thank you, every little reminder helps. It's been a little bruise to the confidence for us hair-chested fellas ever since Tom Seleck was dumped by the fantasy-zeitgeist in favor of the hairless Calvin Klein cupcake ideal. I was born two decades late. Fortunately the individual lovers who really DO like running their fingers through a shag carpet aren't too shy to express that preference.
In this case the issues are whether the son and his friend are enjoying themselves and whether they're taking good care of each other. This includes having safe sex, if they're having sex, as brought up by Dan. The boy's mother, the LW, is possibly expressing a need or desire to know what her son is, which socio-sexual category to fit him into; and there may be the suggestion this understanding is the basis for an enlightened relationship between them. But I don't think it is, always. She already knows who her son is, very particularly and intimately, and needn't be concerned about his especial flavor of 'homo-' or 'heteroflexible'.
@36 LML, I laughed at that same headline. Such an innocent time. Now it's more like Should You Swallow on a First Date?
anyone else who gets the joke - you're welcome.
Dan - as a few other close readers have said - at the end of your piece, it sounds like you unintentionally got a girl pregnant in your teens. And then, years later, you end up adopting. Any connection there?
Were you not masturbating before age 15? What porn/fantasies were you using?
When your nascent desires line up with the socially acceptable default, there's nothing to question. When Joan Jett sings "Crimson and Clover" to another girl, and you're 10 years old and not sure what she means but somehow identify with it... hello, CLUE!
We assume that a boy who likes girls at 11 knows they are like girls . But a boy who likes boys at 11 is typically though to be too young to know they actually like boys.
There are no shortage of gay people out there who knew damn well by 11 that they liked the same gender.
I was gay long before it was about sex. That stereotype of little boys who want to play with dolls and get crushes on their boy friends is common enough. I knew I loved other boys by about age 5; I didn't care about sucking anybody's dick until puberty came along.
Sometimes it's really obvious that a kid is gay long before he or she grasps the concepts of sexuality. I think David Sedaris has written about how obviously gay he was before he knew himself. I've known gay men who were obvious to others before they figured it out and still figured it out for themselves before 11.
I've also got a friend whose kid triggers every form of gaydar I've got and he's only six. I guess don't know for sure, but if it weren't weird and unpleasant to do so, I'd give very good odds on a bet on his sexuality.
(That sounds weird. What I'm trying to say is that I'm confident enough that I wouldn't be afraid of the financial risk of betting a large amount of money at long odds on the subject, but I'd never do it because it's none of my business and I probably wouldn't want to make bets or even have much to do with anyone who would make bets on that subject.)