Savage Love Letter of the Day: Being A Couple & Sleeping in Separate Beds Is Cool, Too

Comments

1
That should be"another person’s sweaty, warm, farting, flailing and snoring body". Trust me.
2
Also useful if one person wants to sleep with a zoo of animals all over the bed and the other person doesn't.
3
You can also put two mattresses in the same frame. I saw that in Switzerland.
4
Has the LW checked his blood sugar levels? Or gotten an HIV test?
5
Before getting a second bed, try a king-size. It's life-changing.
6
I would also suggest the LW have a sleep study done (perhaps they both should). Waking up covered in sweat, especially on the pillow, can be a sign of serious sleep issues, like sleep apnea, that can cause serious health risks. Nowadays many people can do the sleep study at home overnight wearing a simple monitor.

Getting mine checked out and using a CPAP machine was literally a life changer for me.
7
Night sweats can be a symptom of some fairly serious problems: cancer, HIV/AIDS, bacterial infections, stroke... nasty stuff. Usually you won't soak the sheets if you're just too hot. The writer should get himself checked out.
8
Good thing my wife doesn't read Savage Love, or she'd be thinking I have sleep apnea, cancer, HIV, and a few other things. She also might get the idea that it's OK to sleep in separate beds to get away from my alleged snoring.

Actually, I really should get a sleep test because I do snore a lot and can get pretty sweaty. Maybe after the MRI I have to get for "exertional" (post-orgasm) headaches.
9
@3 that doesn't exactly fix the problem. I might recommend a custom-built foam "divider" (perhaps trapezoidally shaped) and a king bed, so you can still be in the bed "together" but have the physical space you want.
10
My parents had a "king size" bed with separate top mattresses so they could have separate bedding--that could be one option. ON the other hand, my lover and I could not sleep together in a queen size, we got a king and separate comforters and sleep happily ever after.
11
I'll second the advice for two blankets/ comforters. My wife and I do that.

Also, and this is probably pretty obvious, but you can take a night off here and there from each other. I'd say I sleep on our basement couch about once a week (so I can stay up later watching tv without bothering my wife).
12
@4; Ricardo, my first thoughts as well. This guy needs to get himself checked out. Sweating like that is a sign something is wrong.
13
Portheus@7 is right...Night sweats can be a symptom of some fairly serious problems. Gastro-esophageal Reflux Disease, Hypoglycemia, Certain Types of Cancer, Hyperthyroidism, Certain Prescription Drugs. Check this link, which also lists some helpful remedies.
http://www.thestranger.com/users/2369829…
So, get thee to the doctor before you do anything else. It might be a simple fix.

Aside from that, Dan's right. Get that second bedroom and get some rest. Maybe things will work themselves out with a little time and a month's worth of real sleep.
14
I've been married for 15 years and we've had separate bedrooms for about 12 of them, mostly because of my husband's snoring. People have always told us that this is bad for our relationship, our sex life, and damaging to our children. However, we both sleep better and fight less (getting woken up constantly by the other can really create resentment) when we have our separate places. So far our kids don't seem to be traumatized, either.
15
@13; when I had night sweats in the past, not for many years now, I found acupuncture helped me get better quickly. Along with Chinese herbs.
16
Then I didn't have a serious affliction. If I remember, it was from emotional and physical exhaustion.
17
Night terrors? Well, according to Melisandre, "the night is dark and full of terrors." The solution is burning a nonbeliever at the stake. As for LW, winter is coming, and that should take care of his nightly sweating.
18
It may sound counterintuitive, but a simple cure for sweating all night is to wear comfortable all cotton pajamas. That is easier than all of the other things mentioned above, and may cure the sweat problem.
19
Once thing that helped me sweat less often while in bed was cutting down on my alcohol intake.
20
Experience from both ends of this. With my spouse, separate rooms were a skidmark on the asphalt of the marriage. My snoring was the ostensible reason, but she snored louder than I do.

With my more recent ex, we remained in the same bed for years after we stopped being partners. Separate covers made this more bearable, as she was always cold and I was always hot.
21
This comment seems like it belongs more to an old Ann Landers column than to Savage Love, but here goes.

In as much as possible, make both separate beds large enough to accommodate 2 people and comfortable sex. If possible, don't make the beds themselves territory belonging to one partner or the other. You each have a desk and a phone/password protected computer and dresser drawers that the other doesn't go into without express permission or a charge of extreme privacy violation, but the beds shouldn't be like that. You sleep in separate beds, but otherwise, bed time is shared time. If you read before sleeping, read together in bed before one of you goes to the other to sleep. Have sex in both beds. Cuddle together in bed even if you're not having sex. If one wakes before the other on a weekend, that person goes to the other's bed for cuddle time so there can be the experience of waking together. Same for going to sleep. Stay together until one drops off to sleep, then get up to go to the other bed for sounder sleep. The idea is to keep all the advantages of a shared bed while still getting some sleep.
22
I'm a crazy sleeper (night terrors, sleep talking/walking/crying, occasionally will pee in my sleep too!) and have been living with BF for almost 2 years now sleeping in the same queen bed. First: we use a king-size comforter so we both have enough room to toss and turn, and we sleep with the fan and sometimes thunderstorm spotify on. Your GF likely has certain unconscious triggers that make her act up in her sleep (for me it's our ceiling fan being on or the closet door being ajar, watching intense TV before bed, etc) which you can find and try to fix.
23
twin beds were good enough for ozzie and harriet.
24
In reality, Ozzie and Harriet were wife swapping with Ward and June Cleaver.

Well, maybe not reality, but in my imagination. That makes it true, right Donald?
25
It's weird, I read this letter as a lesbian couple, then was surprised when I was scanning the comments and saw the letter writer referred to as male.

Then I went back to the letter, and there is nothing to explicitly ID the gender of the LW. I wonder what it was in my mind that led me to so decisively code this one as a female author.
26
A good quality mattress is a life saver! I just got a Casper and my sleep has improved immensely. I've been tracking my restless sleep moments via Fitbit and they've reduced by about 40% because the Casper mattress seems to absorb a lot of movement from tossing and turning. Also, a white noise machine is invaluable.
27
I've suffered from parasomnias (occassional sleep walking and nightly screaming and cussing...yes SCREAMING!! In my sleep) for at least 58 of my 62 years. My hubby is a toss and turner with intermittent ground shaking snoring. I can sleep through virtually anything without waking (except for the "horking" sound of imminent hairball expulsion) but hubby is a very light sleeper. A king size bed was not a cure for us. We eventually tried separate bedrooms and low and behold, we each had full nights of sleep!
28
Separate rooms if you can afford it. You each have your own space to spread out, decorate, be messy (not gross). You have your own favorite softness of bed, favorite sheets, etc. I liked to fall asleep with my partner and if/when he started snoring, I could go to my own bed. He also sleeps hot and is generally sleep cold. So, my bed had a wonderful feather comforter just for me. I was messy. I hate folding clothes, so he liked that his space, besides the bed, was not invaded by me. Bonus was when I slept well, I would sometimes sneak into bed in the morning and give him a good morning blow job or quickie.
29
Have you guys considered a king sized bed? It would help with a lot of what you're describing (not the sleep talking, but the rest of it.)
30
The sleep-talking and night terrors will require a different room, and a closed door between.

Sweats? Get waffle-weave cotton blankets, and a fan. You can control how much heat and moisture get wicked off by doubling up the blanket and pointing how directly the fan blows on you.

Pro-tip: squirrel-cage style blowers don't hum like regular fans, they just make white noise. (Which some people recommend to mask sounds to help sleep.. Why pay for a special white noise generator when you can get a fan that does the same thing and provides cooling?) They are also VERY directional, meaning you can aim one at half of a bed and not disturb the person on the other half if they don't like the moving air.

That, and what everybody else said about getting your cuddle time in while you are awake, and stop worrying about the sleeping arrangements. Quality time does not occur while you are unconscious. But sleeping better will make you happier and a better partner the next day.
31
@25 I assumed the LW was male because of choice of the word "intercourse"-- didn't seem like a word a woman would choose to describe sex with another woman.
32
Thank you for your enlightened view Dan. I am actually directing a film on this topic, about couples who choose to live in some way apart, from separate beds to separate abodes! My goal is to destigmatize this way of living and to show that there are options for relationships that may just save them. Here is more about the film, would love your participation! http://apartnersthemovie.com/
33
I sleep alone but ever since I birthed my first child (21 years ago!) I am like a furnace under the covers and sleeping naked (with the ceiling fan going, even in the winter) alone is the easiest for me. When I was married we had an invisible line down the middle of the bed...We'd have sex, cuddle...But sleep meant we stayed on our own side because neither of us could stand being touched at sleep time. Mom and dad had 2 twin XL beds pushed together...Each had its own bedding and a bedspread on top made it look like one bed. Always seemed smart to me.