Yes means yes, no means no ... and anything other than a clear and enthusiastic "yes!" isn't consent. It seems extraordinary to me, but I have argued with men who stated that unless the woman they're hooking up with doesn't specifically say "no" to their advances, then they're in the clear.

Ah, the old "she shouldn't have ... " rape apology argument.
She shouldn't have gone to that party.
She shouldn't have gone to that bar.
She shouldn't have gone out period, Jesus, doesn't she know there are rapists out there?
She shouldn't have had so much to drink.
She shouldn't have been drinking at all.
She shouldn't have smoked that joint.
She shouldn't have snorted that line.
She shouldn't have been wearing that outfit.
She shouldn't have been showing cleavage, clearly she was putting effort into signifying her sexual availability.
She shouldn't have made out with that guy.
She shouldn't have gone to that guy's house.
She shouldn't have had that person over.
She shouldn't have let herself be alone with someone who might possibly want to have sex with her.

Apparently this is what "personal responsibility" looks like, coming up with every possible situation where someone might rape you and assiduously avoiding all of them. Otherwise I guess you're just asking for it.

OR MAYBE "personal responsibility" could mean that before someone initiates sexual contact, they could PERSONALLY TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR OBTAINING CONSENT FROM THEIR PARTNER.

Thank you for writing this Brittnie. I am so sorry he did this to you, and I am so sorry for every shitty comment from every shitty commenter that will be here by morning.

I'm tired of this stupid idea, that if criminals create enough crime in a situation, they get to own the whole situation and if anybody else goes there they're fair game.

I'm tired of the idea that if you want to talk about risk, that somehow implies you need to be soft on criminals to go with that.

No stupid trolls yet, is someone moderating the shit out of this comment thread? Props to you, whoever you are.

Time to stop with the dumb arguments surrounding rape and "personal responsibility". Women don't need anyone, including other women, to chat with them about "personal responsibility". We are our own agents. It is up to us to decide when, why and where we take risks. Without taking risks life is not worth living. Rapist are their own separate agents and rape is always a rapists fault. No amount of a crime victims risk taking will make what a rapist does any less bad. It is just so damned stupid that we even have these conversations. They serve no purpose other than to make the person doing the finger wagging about personal responsibility feel better about themselves.

I hadn't heard of Harrop, but I guess she's pretty prominent. Someone should mention that column in her Wikipedia page.

#5 So what you are saying is if I go on a date with a guy and he is really drunk my taking his money and shoving a dildo up his ass is less of a crime than if I were to break into a strange guys house and do it. Great. Glad you cleared that up. Because that is how rape victims are treated.

I would think being raped by someone you know is way worse than being raped by a stranger. It is no different than any other form of assault. If I get beat up walking down the street at night, I become more careful after that. I avoid dark places, carry some form of protection or take self defense classes. But if someone I know attacks me -- and then my acquaintances stick up for the guy -- suddenly I don't trust anyone. I'm all alone, and don't know who to turn to. It seems to me that the worst is to get raped by relatives, followed by friends, then strangers.

Good for you for writing this and I'm sorry about your experience. I especially appreciate you writing because I had missed the abomination in the Seattle Times. Appalling. I experienced this thinking after a rape in the 90's and am horrified at how little some people's awareness has changed. Shame on Harrop for not knowing more before writing! And double shame on Seattle Times for publishing her. THANKS to you for setting the record right. Healing thoughts go out to you. I suffer from PTSD too. I have a great life now but the effects of rape never completely go away.

It's B.S. that NOTHING has changed since back in the mid-60's when a serial rapist broke into our house when my mom was sleeping. (she had just gotten separated from my dad, which took guts back then!)
My baby brother was sleeping in her room also. The POS that attacked her was eventually caught, "The Pinehurst Rapist" (we lived by the Safeway on 15th & 125th).
She was never the same.
She told me the first thing the police asked her was, "do you wear skimpy clothes in front of your windows?"
She felt assaulted twice. Once by the POS, and then by the police.
Seems like we need to STOP BLAMING THE VICTIM!! EVER! AT ALL!

Thank you so much for writing this.

@2. What a great comment. May I quote your last paragraph, giving you whatever credit you choose? If you don't choose any credit may I still quote you? I would never claim such a succinct statement as my own.

Rape is rape, no matter if it's a stranger or a trusted person.

However, look at it from the law enforcement perspective: if a trusted person rapes you, the police know exactly who it is, and they can (hopefully!) start working on gathering facts to prosecute.

If it's a stranger, they don't know WHO it is, and the likelihood that this person may do this again to someone else is high. There's the stress and urgency to find this person and stop them.

I think that's the basic gist behind saying a stranger rape is more "dangerous".