Dont you wish you could put them in a blender? - Tyra Banks
"Don't you wish you could put them in a blender?" —Tyra Banks CBS Television Distribution. Collage by author.

We didn't know how this would go. After 22 cycles, America's Next Top Model had died. Tyra Banks was expected to go into a tall NYC tower and spend the rest of her days trying weird beauty products like Wilhelmina Slater on Ugly Betty. But Tyra Banks is not meant to be contained. She's the pyramidion on the pyramid of top models. Banks would be back (kinda) but in the form of host... Rita Ora? On VH1? The channel currently known for Love & Hip Hop? We'd give it a chance. And we gave it a chance. Tonight, the show had its final opportunity to make its mark. And... it was an okay show.

Goodbye, RitAlerts. May we never be interrupted by you again.
Goodbye, RitAlerts. May we never be interrupted by you again. CBS Television Distribution. Collage by author.

The episode, The Final Countdown, was a brisk finale that reminded viewers the show didn't always need to drag. Drew Elliot started off by yelling at the girls during their multi-page spread in Paper. (He even yelled, "Give us nothing!") Then they got together for a giant final runway with every girl from the season, but the only girl who really got any screen time was Marissa.

For me, the most exciting guest appearance this week (besides Queen Banks herself) came from Phillipe and David Blond, designers behind The Blonds, who dressed every girl from this season in gorgeous popstar-approved looks. (See their work on celebrities here.) Seriously, these were some of the best looks from the entire season (minus the weird white afros). Tinashe was also a guest, which was pretty boring, but she's a great symbol for this season: beautiful, heavily filtered, and underwhelming.

Its not corny. Its Prada. - Drew Elliot (Tatiana, btw, isnt wearing Prada)
"It's not corny. It's Prada." —Drew Elliot (Tatiana, btw, isn't wearing Prada) CBS Television Distribution. Collage by author.

During the final deliberation, CoryAnne was immediately cut. As she exited, she thanked the show for repairing her relationship with her mother. It then came down to two: Tatiana and India. They were sent backstage to await their fates as Tyra Banks made her fabled return to the judges' panel, where she prognosticated which girl the panel would choose as their new sacrifice top model.

Tyra Banks' five minutes of screen time were more engaging than this episode, this episode, and this episode. Hell, Banks' cameo was more engaging than anything Ora's done this entire season. (Sometimes I wonder if Banks feels about Ora the way Trump feels about Schwarzenegger. I hope so because that would mean we get a new host next season. Please choose Ashley Graham... Please, Ashley Graham...) Banks said she wanted to put the girls in a blender, or put a machine behind them, and she made a lot of peace signs. As Banks left, a "thank you" slid out of Ora's mouth like a death rattle.

But there was an important parallel made in the final moment of the deliberation. Tyra Banks, wise oracle, decided the entire competition came down to this...

Tatiana = Kylie Jenner: has a cosmetic line, is arguably more on brand, but commercial.
India = Kendall Jenner: high fashion, versatile, and mysterious.

AND OH BOY. Y'all. This is spooky because when I first started writing these recaps I spent a good two hours drafting a lecture on how we should all view this season of America's Next Top Model the way Kylie Jenner viewed 2016:

We're just realizing stuff. It's not that deep. But it also is, y'know? Just... realize stuff while lookin' good.
Some real fuckin' crazy shit went down from December until now. And what did we (you & me) do? We watched ANTM. I'm sure we did some other things, but we can't dislodge ourselves from the fact the world was collapsing while we watched girls compete over whose arched neck looked the best. But I have no regrets. We realized stuff. We felt good. We learned about fashion and we learned tools for empowering young women.

Now, I decided against my Kylie Jenner framework because it's stupid. But LO AND BEHOLD Tyra Banks was there with me all along. (I should've trusted myself, Tyra. I'm sorry.)

Ehem. But did the judges want Kendall? Or Kylie?

Duh, they wanted Kendall. Kylie was already on a Paper cover... Uh, I guess I meant to say they wanted... India?

INDIA WINS!

COME THROUGH, SEATTLE QUEEN! COME THROUGH!
COME THROUGH, SEATTLE QUEEN! COME THROUGH! CBS Television Distribution. Collage by author.

We live in a time of unexpected results. In December, India was the unexpected result. She didn't receive any screen time for the first few episodes and slowly dawdled towards the bottom two. But since mid-season, India was a clear winner. She won five challenges. She fit the time. She's a genuine and easily lovable onscreen personality. And... SHE'S FROM SEATTLE! Our Seattle model won, y'all. And she's good. She's real good.

Til next time, ladies.